The Sex Monster Page #2

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I'm having fun.

Having fun?

You're gonna get caught.

- I'm not gonna get caught.

- You're cheating on your wife...

you're gonna get caught.

Listen to me...

You're in a situation

you can't control.

And somewhere along the way,

someone, some idiot...

is gonna say the wrong thing

at the wrong time,

- and it's gonna get back to Carol.

- Would you relax?

- Nobody knows, Marty.

- I'll tell you who knows...

This is gonna sound corny,

and you'll tease me later,

but I'll tell ya who knows.

God knows.

God does not know.

And if he does know...

- he doesn't care.

- He does care, okay?

Cheating on your wife

is not cool.

I know - I'm gonna get struck down

by a bolt of lightning...

- is that what you're telling me?

- Exactly...

that's what I'm saying,

and I stand real close to you,

so I'd appreciate it

if you'd get your sh*t together.

Don't you judge me.

Have you seen my wife lately?

- She's fat.

- She's not fat...

She's fat. She's not

into sex anymore...

all she wants to do is eat.

I'm a man. I got my needs.

I have my needs, too.

At the top of my needs list,

is you to be at my house

for brunch on Sunday.

Marty's on my case about going

to this brunch at his house.

- Brunch?

- He's making a big deal about it.

That's a Jew thing, brunch.

They can't decide if they want

breakfast or lunch,

so they have both.

I can't wait

till he hears the gossip.

He's gonna love it.

He's got a thing for her.

- He's got a thing for Diva?

- He would never admit it...

but he's dying to just take her.

So why doesn't he just do it?

For one reason, she's engaged.

And also because...

he's very hung up

about not screwing around.

The guy's very straight that way.

I don't get that.

European men, they've been

doing it for centuries.

Doesn't make 'em a**holes.

Guy in America, gets a little

action on the side,

they label him an a**hole.

I do not get that.

And I blame the Pilgrim men.

In the beginning of our society,

they got all religious and puritanical.

They f***ed the whole thing up.

They gave away deal points

they had no business giving away.

Where did you hear that?

I should have negotiated that deal.

We'd all be gettin' laid.

- Gentlewomen, what's up?

- How are you?

I'm good. Take care of your

little scheduling problem?

- See?

- Jew.

I'm not going to brunch

with Dave Pembroke.

The guy's Republican.

Big deal, so am I

when I'm looking for an investor.

Wait till you hear the good gossip.

The good gossip? Coming from you,

Murphy, it's bullshit.

It's about your assistant... Diva.

What about Diva?

The guy that sold car phones

to Eric Keldren's company?

Went to college with her.

He was in her dorm.

Said she spent a fair amount

of time on the front line...

saw a lot of action.

So what? What is it?

Guess.

She did a two-way.

- Better...

- She did a gang-bang.

It's coming from Eric. I don't believe

a word out of his mouth.

Girls.

- She did girls.

- She did girls?

This is true?

Diva did girls in college?

(Laura:
)

You believe that story is true?

I believe it.

Keldren's a lot of things,

but the guy's not a liar.

She's young.

Young girls...

they're all into it nowadays.

It's become very fashionable.

Yeah? Well, for me, it hasn't.

Will you cut it out

with the cookies? Cholesterol.

One cookie.

Will you look at this?

Lucia's getting so lazy.

She put the bowl away

without drying it.

You know what I'm thinkin'?

It would be good for you.

- Like a life lesson.

- For me?

Yeah... open you up a little bit.

I think it would be fun.

I'm sure it would be fun for you.

You'd be having a lot of fun.

You're always saying you wanna

do things for the marriage.

Always talking about hobbies

and projects and sh*t,

that's what this would be.

It would be like a bonding thing.

How stupid do I look to you?

All right, so I took a shot.

How much longer before dinner?

I'm starved.

Looks like you've already

eaten dinner.

I've been married to my husband

for 30 years.

- Wow, that's great.

- It's a miracle...

that in the last 30 years,

I didn't kill him in his sleep.

Jump on a plane,

and not come back.

- How long have you been married?

- Six years.

That's nice.

Gonna have kids?

Yeah, I think we will.

Have all the fun you can

while you can.

Do it now,

get it out of the way.

The spending and traveling

and the nuttiness. Just do it all.

Do it all before the kids come.

After the kids come,

there's no more fun.

- Come on, you love your kids, right?

- Not today.

I don't love anybody today.

Except you.

I love my hairdresser.

Oh - oh - oh...!

- Was that okay?

- Yeah, it was. Oh yeah.

Good.

Still is to me,

I gotta tell you, Laura...

I look down and wonder

how I got into bed

with a woman

as good looking as you.

I do.

After all this time,

I still think you're going

to look at me and yell for a cop.

Oh, Marty... shut up.

See what I'm saying? We have sex,

what's the first thing you do?

You get up and wash up.

How does that work?

So that's what

you really want, huh?

For me to have sex

with you and another woman?

Yeah...

Oh, yeah.

I'd like it a lot.

And you want me to kiss her,

and... you know...

go down on her?

Yeah... I mean,

if you wanted to go down on her.

I don't know.

- I don't know if I could.

- What...?

I do it all the time,

it's not so bad.

Plus, you have...

the home court advantage.

- What's that?

- Home court advantage...

that's what you have.

Think about it.

You're a woman,

you know what's going on down there.

You could do it better

than me your first time out...

on my best night ever.

Which was...

last April, at the cabin.

Rememeber?

You could be better than that.

Better than last me April.

- I could?

- You could, first time out, because...

you have the home court advantage.

That's my theory...

on why women are getting

into other women.

- Yeah? What's that theory?

- Human nature.

Everybody likes to do something

that they're good at...

everyone likes to excel.

Women are finding something

that they're really good at,

really easily, really fast.

And they're really enjoying it.

And it's home court advantage.

I think you would be somebody

that would benefit from it.

(gargling)

I couldn't do it with a stranger.

I want you to know that.

All right, fine.

And I'm not gonna do it

with Diva, all right?

- Diva?

- You do not get to screw Diva.

Fine. Diva's off the list.

Forget Diva.

I love the fact

we're having this conversation.

- I bet you do.

- What about Didi at your salon?

Come on, Marty,

I have to work with her.

Part time. You work with her

part time. She's perfect.

You don't want it

to be a stranger.

We know her but

we don't really know her.

She's cute, too,

in her way, and...

you know she's into

this kinda thing, so...

I like Didi.

I think she's sweet.

I like Didi, too.

Put Didi at the top of the list.

Operation Didi.

Call her up,

have her for dinner.

If it works out, great.

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