The Shaggy Dog

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[Dog barking]

[Goats braying]

[Helicopter whirring]

This is our target.

He's to be captured, not harmed.

Which man is it?

We're after the canine.

His name is Khyi Yag Po.

Translation:
"Dog of Ageless Wonder."

Uh, sir, this picture's 80 years old.

Everybody in it is dead.

Not everyone.

[Monks chanting]

[Panting]

[Whimpering]

[Speaks in Tibetan]

[Chicken squawks]

[Urinating]

[Man] "Misguided youth. Your Honor..."

That sounds so pompous.

What's another word for misguided?

Misguided... It's too on the money.

Um...

Dog!

Hey, Baxter!

Why is it that my yard

is that mutt's outhouse?

Uhh, FYI, calling Attila a mutt

is like referring to my Porsche Carrera

as a Buick Skylark.

Hey, look, whatever kind of car

your dog is,

I'd appreciate it if he wasn't

whizzin' on my shrubs.

You know what your problem is,

Dave. You hate dogs.

No, I do not hate dogs. I dislike dogs.

I hate that dog. Now get outta here!

Stop that. You did not

hear that, did you?

You did not hear that.

Are you OK? Baby?

Forrester got himself

in the newspaper.

- [chanting on TV] No more testing!

- And all over the TV.

[Reporter] The trial

of Justin Forrester,

a local schoolteacher

accused of arson

- in a fire at Grant & Strictland.

- Great.

Ya just can't burn a building down,

because you think they're

puttin' makeup on bunnies.

You're going to Josh's

parent-teacher conference, right?

- Josh!

- What?

Josh's parent-teacher thing?

Four o'clock?

[Woman] You said

you'd take care of it.

[Sighs] Honey, I...

I'm starting a trial today.

Ken Hollister's stepping down.

Don't you want me to be the next DA?

Dave, you never make these things.

All right. I'll take him.

Look, you know what?

Let me say, once...

Once I get through all this stuff,

why don't I take you to Oahu?

You know that way that

you always say "Oahu,"

and you think it's so cute?

It really just reminds me of how many

times you've canceled that trip.

- [Boy] Hey, Dad.

- Hey, good mornin', Josh.

- How's football goin'?

- Awesome. I'm playin' tailback.

Just like your old man.

Well, I can't wait.

When can I come down

and watch you play?

Oh, um, you know,

the games don't start for a while.

- Really?

- Yeah.

[Dave] Mornin'.

Hey, take the T-shirt off.

Why? Did you drop the charges?

You know, this might be hard

for you to understand, sweetie,

but your social studies teacher,

the Torch, is a criminal.

What's hard to believe is that my father

is defending a puppy-murderer.

Who're you gonna put in jail next?

Grandma?

Well, the way she cooks,

I should put her in jail.

Here's your... here's your buddy,

your hero, your social studies teacher.

This guy lit a lab on fire,

and he coulda killed a lot of people.

But he says he's innocent,

and I believe him.

A criminal who thinks he's innocent.

What a concept.

- [Car horn honks]

- That's Trey. Josh, you want a ride?

In Trey's car? Yeah.

Thanks. Here you go.

- Bye.

- Bye.

[Chewing] Bye.

[Dave] Oh, nice shirt.

If I was puttin' your physics teacher

in jail, you'd be thrilled.

[Door closes]

Justin Forrester is a passionate

advocate of animal rights.

And I respect that.

But this case

is not about animal rights.

This case is about

whether the defendant

criminally trespassed

on Grant & Strictland property

and set a fire

that caused over $300,000

worth of damage.

[Dave] He broke into a company

that's dedicated to good.

From their organic pet foods

and shampoos

to their life-saving medicines.

Created by them to help

people like you and me

fight heart disease, arthritis,

diabetes, obesity.

And yes, even baldness.

[Dave] We will, by the way,

subpoena that tape.

I'm sorry, that's all the time I have.

Thank you all very much.

Dave. Here's your messages.

And I am holding 4:00 open

for your kid thing.

OK, 4:
00 for the kid thing.

Unless you want me

to go for you. 'Cause I will.

No, thanks. Thanks.

Dave. Hey. Great opening.

You really won over that jury.

I learned everything from you, Ken.

- Dr. Kozak.

- Yes.

Glad to have ya. Sorry I couldn't

put you on the stand today.

All right. Apology accepted.

Ken tells me that when he steps down,

you're gonna be our next

district attorney.

- Well, that's my hope.

- Certainly.

Well, hopefully justice

will be served.

You'll have my support as well

as that of Grant & Strictland.

- Till tomorrow? OK.

- All right.

- Once again.

- We actually just shook hands.

Yes, we did.

Thank you.

Kozak. How did it go in court today?

Ah, Mr. Strictland. Uh... [stammers]

It went very, very, very well, sir.

Have you unlocked the dog's secret?

Let's talk in the elevator, OK?

I have something to show you

I think will be most pleasing.

Have you figured out

why the dog lives so long?

Well, I... I take it you're familiar

with the concept of dog years, sir?

- Don't like dogs.

- You don't like...

- I keep a squirrel.

- OK. A pet squirrel.

That's, uh, something.

Typically, dogs age seven years

for every human year.

But in the case of this one,

this one that we borrowed from Tibet,

a genetic mutation

reversed the equation.

What I'm saying is,

he lives seven years

for every human year.

Sir, this dog is over 300 years old.

[Strictland] Hmm.

The things you must have seen.

If we could transmit

that gene to humans,

we'd all live 700 years.

We've isolated

the gene fairly quickly.

But we're unable

to viralize it outside his body

for transmission to other species.

Therefore, we've had to viralize

his entire genetic code in corpus.

[Strictland] Which makes

his bodily fluids...

- [woman] Pretty dangerous stuff.

- [Kozak] Somewhat.

But it would have to enter the

bloodstream to do any serious damage.

- [Man] We're really careful.

- [Kozak] Mm-hm.

- [Strictland] How close are we?

- [Kozak] How 'bout the snake?

[Kozak] Look at the snake,

see how the snake's doin'.

You might be interested to know, sir,

when we got this snake,

he was nearly dead.

He was nearly dead of old age.

Since we injected him with the serum

made from the dog's viralized DNA,

all cell degradation has ceased.

And he's actually

been getting stronger.

Does that snake have a furry tail?

Uh, that would be a-a-a side effect

that I would classify as, uh, minor.

Kozak, dry mouth is a minor side effect.

Growing a dog's tail is... [stammers]

It makes your serum into a carnival act.

You know what? Your job is to relax.

Our job is to work out the kinks, OK?

Because when we do, Lance,

you and I are gonna have the patent

on the fountain of youth.

[Cell phone rings]

Ah. Excuse me.

Uh, yeah, Security. Go for Kozak.

[All chanting] Grant & Strictland's

lying, so we're lying down!

Grant & Strictland's lying,

so we're lying down!

When I called you, it was to make sure

these people were arrested.

I understand that.

If we arrest them, they turn into

rebels with a cause on the 6:00 news.

If we leave 'em there, they're just

kids layin' on the sidewalk.

- [Girl] Puppy-killers!

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