The Shortcut Page #4

just text me later.

On the house,

Madame Doyle.

Thanks, guys.

I will text you later.

(sighs)

Christy Doyle.

(object clatters)

Sh*t.

Hello?

Oh, come on.

Who's there?

(shovel scrapes loudly)

(shovel scrapes)

(chain link fence clatters)

Hello?

Hello?

This isn't funny.

Who's there?

- Derek, help!

- Mark?

Tell him you're sorry, Derek!

Hey!

What are you doing?!

- Get away from him!

- Tell him you're sorry, Derek!

I'm sorry!

No, don't!

- (shovel thuds)

- (Mark grunts)

- Mark!

- (groans)

Mark!

Mark!

(both laugh)

Now who's the p*ssy?

You sound just like

a little b*tch, Derek.

You guys are a**holes.

That was not funny.

You should've

seen your face, man.

"Don't hurt him!

Don't hurt him!"

"I'm sorry.

Let him go!"

Well, you scared

the sh*t out of me.

Seriously, though,

thanks for trying to save me anyway.

Very heroic of you.

- I am a heroic guy.

- You've got to admit we got you good.

Yeah, you did.

Don't want to hurt you

Try not to mess

with your feelings

It's just a matter of trust

for us, for us

Don't wanna hurt you

Try not to mess

with your feelings

It's just a matter of trust

for us, for us

For us

You should come over

'Cause I can tell

from your eyes

Why don't you tell me

what's really on your mind?

Too much confusion,

she needs a little more time

So many times now

we've been through this before.

(whistle blows)

Lisa:
So I tried to

carry the thing on my bike,

you know, on the bike rack thing--

it was like 60 lbs.

The box was, like, enormous.

It was huge.

That's what she said.

I appreciate it.

Another dog owner.

They never found theirs either.

(whispers)

Like I said:
Michael Vick.

- (giggles)

- (chuckles)

- What was that?

- Nothing.

So, uh, what's the plan?

My uncle said that old man, he spends

every Friday night at the VFW.

Wait.

He's a veteran?

Right. So in case you were wondering,

he does have guns.

That's perfect.

I will pick Christy up

and we'll check out the VFW.

You guys go to the house.

- You're gonna pick up Christy?

- Yeah, she wants in on Operation Old Man.

[ Skipped item nr. 658 ]

- You're not gonna be there tonight?

- Hey, what's up, Tob'?

Crap.

I totally forgot.

- We're working on something.

- Yeah?

What?

Look, I'll make it up to you.

I promise.

- I'm sorry.

- My little brother Brian's racing a car too.

He's gonna be

pretty tough to beat.

Aren't you a little bit short

to be driving a car, man?

You're gonna look like Toad

in Mario Kart.

- Mario!

- (mimics Luigi) Im a gonna win.

Okay, guys, just leave

him alone. Gotta go.

Good luck tonight, man.

Kick Brian's ass.

You gonna cry? Come on,

don't be so sensitive, buddy.

(chuckles)

(footsteps)

Benjamin,

what did you do?

Man:

Hey, Ricky!

- Where are you?

- Grab him.

Get him to the barn.

Hurry.

Man:

Hey, Ricky!

Ricky!

Where are you?

Hey!

What's going on?!

(gunshot)

You promised

this wouldn't happen again.

Again?

Don't just stand there.

Let's clean 'em up.

- Watch out!

- God, you're such an idiot, Mark.

- Got you a little bit.

- Not really.

(both chuckle)

How far do we have

to go in there anyway?

It's only a few minutes.

You've never been here before?

No.

I went to St. Katherine's.

We don't get peer pressure there.

I'm just not a big fan of

being chased with a shovel.

...fat guy that dances

during their shows in the background.

Really?

(giggles)

It sounds stupid,

but it's really funny.

- That's funny.

- Well, it's not.

Hey, look what I got.

What's that?

Nice!

Nice.

Where'd you get those?

- Donna G's brother Ingo.

- Oh, okay.

- Wow.

- Whoo!

- Impressive.

- Here.

- Your turn.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Huh.

- Cheers.

There he is.

(phone vibrates)

- Yo.

- Mark, he's here.

I'll let you know

if there's any movement.

Cool.

- We're all clear.

- Let's go.

- All right.

- Hey!

- Woo!

- Stop.

- Let's go.

- (Mark chuckles)

So how long do you think

we'll be here?

This isn't exactly as exciting

as you made it out to be.

Come on.

The night is young.

You know, you're gonna

have to do a lot more

than just take me to a movie

to make up for this one.

Oh really?

What do you have in mind?

I don't know.

Be creative.

Mark:
Hey, Lisa,

is it weird that these woods

are making me horny?

Lisa:

Yes, Mark, it is weird.

Move your ass.

Let's go.

Come on.

There is no way

Tammy is still alive.

Yeah.

(huffs)

This is where the tags

used to be.

- (whispers) Roid rage.

- (chuckles) Yeah.

I hate to say it, but this place

is just as freaky as I thought it'd be.

- You hate to say it?

- Shut up.

To hell with it.

Let's go check out

the house.

Lisa:

Can you guys believe this sh*t?

Hey, guys.

- Nine Inch Nails?

- Not so much.

How about Marilyn Manson?

- No?

- Not really, no.

- Really?

- No.

What about Shwayze?

I met her at a backyard

block party by the bar

She kept looking at me

like she knew who I was

She was buzzin' all over me

She was buzzin'

all over me

She was buzzin' all over me

like she fell in love.

(laughs)

I like that song.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

You wanna see 'em live? I'll get tickets

for us next time they come to town.

That would be awesome.

I'll hold you to that.

Matt and I broke up today.

What happened?

We were just done.

I'm sorry.

Why?

You know what?

I'm really glad you came.

You are, huh?

Yeah.

(Lisa groans)

Get your hand off my ass.

Sorry.

Okay.

- Did you get it?

- Give me a second, okay?

Hey, are we sure

we want to go inside?

Don't be such a douche.

We came here to look around, right?

That's what we're doing.

We're looking around.

Okay, yeah, but now

this is like breaking in.

- That's different.

- It's not breaking in.

It's sneaking in.

What do you see?

- (grunts)

- Whoa.

- You all right?

- Lisa:
Yeah.

Way to go, Lisa.

Real sneaky.

- (pounding on door)

- (gasps) Jesus.

Taylor:

Hey, come on, let us in!

Okay, I'm coming.

Hey, come on.

Come on.

This place just keeps

getting better.

This place is a dump.

Yeah.

Welcome to the bachelor pad.

Taylor:
Let's split up.

You guys go that way.

(door creaks)

- Okay, you first.

- You go first. You're the guy.

- (sighs) Same time?

- Go.

All right.

(Lisa gasps)

Hello?

Lady?

Ma'am?

(both gasp)

- (nervous laughter)

- You killed her.

Yeah.

Lisa:

Oh, okay. Here.

Oh my God.

What do you think

they need a classroom for?

Home-schooled, I guess?

Recording:

I pledge allegiance to the flag

of the United States of America

and to the republic

for which it stands,

- one nation under God, indivisible...

- You've got to be kidding me.

...with liberty and justice for all.

(recording skipping)

...for all.

...for all.

...for all.

Whoa.

Oh.

Whoa.

Oh my God.

- (roars)

- God!

- (laughs)

- I hate you. Jeez.

- Just kiss him.

- Get away from me.

- Just a little.

- Stop. Seriously.

- (laughs)

Jeez.

Hey, man, look at that.

No, I'm done.

Come on, man.

Don't be such a baby.

Are you serious?

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