The Singing Detective

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That the guy

That's the guy.

Does he get

to screw her first?

Sure. She can be coming

and going at the same time.

What's your poison?

Saucer of milk.

This looks like a cathouse.

Think of it as a kennel.

Consider it thunk.

So...

How much is that doggie

in the window?

Which one?

Lot of mongrels, this place.

The one with the waggedy tail.

l do hope that doggie's

for sale.

Dee dum!

lt's a crummy tune, mister.

But otherwise...

Otherwise?

l'm your fluffy little pooch.

What'd you say?

Okay, so you want to be a dog.

No, no, l just want to sh*t

on the sidewalk.

How much is that doggie

in the window?

The one with the waggley tail.

Hey. l like Patti Page.

But does she like you?

We're in business.

Come on, l got you,

-l got you.

-What are you, new?

Yeah, l been dealing

with you for three months.

Close the blinds.

All right, l'll get

the blinds in a minute

if you'll give me a second.

Close the f***ing blinds!

That f***.

Do you know who l am?

l'm the Singing Detective.

Quote, come on, exclamation mark

come on, comma, b*tch,

exclamation mark,

unquote, he panted...

Come on!

Come on, b*tch!

Oh, yeah, yeah!

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

He panted...

as he drove his...

throbbing... into her...

What the f*** you

trying to do?

Tear me open, what?

ls the water?

What is that?

What is that?

Let go! No!

l don't want

a parrot that talks

l don't want a bowl

of little fishies

He can't take a goldfish

for a walk

How much is that doggie

in the window?

The one with the waggley tail?

How much is that doggie

in the window?

l do hope that doggie's for sale

No...

That's wrong. That's my...

She's my...

Woman love, hey, hey, hey

Hey, woman love,

hey, hey, hey

Hey, woman love,

hey, hey, hey

Hey, woman love,

hey, hey, hey

Hey, woman love,

hey, hey, hey

Well, l went to my doctor

not so long ago

A-walkin' in a circle

and moanin' low

He looked at me and said,

''Good Lord above, son

You need a vaccination

of a-woman love''

You are... Mr...?

Dark.

Daniel Dark.

Very inflamed.

How are you feeling today?

Extensive lesions.

Temperature through the roof.

Difficult case.

We moved him to a private

room after several

disruptive outbursts.

How long have you had

psoriatic arthropathy...?

''Ow wrong?''

Since Pearl Harbor.

26 years.

And do you have

much movement

-in your joints?

-Not very...

Hydrocortisone injections

all major joints

including the toes.

And the history?

-Oh, initially, coal tar.

-Right.

-Then gold injections.

-Mm-hmm.

Butazolodin, lndomethocine.

Not successful.

The courses Prednisone,

Prednisolone,

lengthening.

PUVA, not successful.

Then Methotrexate

after positive liver biopsies.

Oh, well, then, excuse me.

Much nausea?

Do you, uh, vomit, yes, mm?

Y-yeah...

lnduced neutrophenia.

Wart-like lesions.

Removed.

Withdrawn.

You're, uh...

he's hyper...

You're hyperventilating.

Um, are you experiencing some

kind of visual dislocations?

-Mind tripping?

-l think...

Oh, yesterday he said

there was a dog in the bed,

uh, chewing his ankles.

Okay, things are not good here.

Um, how do you feel about

Mr...

Dark, how would you feel about

one of the new Retinoids?

Hmm?

lt... it-it wasn't my ankles.

lt was chewing my balls.

l see.

But what l'm asking you is if

you understand the question...

No! l don't!

Because l have regressed into

the pathetic condition

of total dependency, Doc.

ln short,

and in the vernacular,

l'm a f***ing kid again.

The last time l had

to endure anything

this demeaning

was in my baby-buggy.

l was drooled over

by slobbering cretins...

-Mr. Dark!

-who apparently escaped

from the local cuckoo house.

They thought they were

doctors and nurses.

What, uh...

what exactly did you, uh...

what'd you do for a-a living,

Mr., what, l forget his name...

Dark?

What did l do?

l'm an author.

Oh... oh.

l didn't realize...

Dan Dark.

Trash that doesn't sell.

Detective stories

about a gumshoe

who warbles.

Well, that sounds interesting.

Um, what... what...?

Hey, listen to me.

Please, please...

W-What is it?

Will you please listen?

l can't talk

lying flat out like this.

l need... help

to sit up, please.

Oh. Well, help him up.

You know, l-l really, um...

You understand,

l'm on a very tight schedule...

-Listen...

-There you go.

Listen... listen...

listen!

l'm no hero,

and l've reached the end.

Of what?

My tether.

Oh, come on!

F...!

l'd like...

Christ, l'd like

to get out of it, but l can't!

Listen! l can't s...

l can't stand it,

l really truly can't stand

any... more!

l can't get on top of it,

l can't think straight,

and l can't tell what is

from what isn't,

and if l don't tell someone,

if l don't admit it,

l'll never get out of it.

Oh, l'm sorry...

Oh, the shame.

The tears...

All this oozing, useless liquid,

it just hurts my... skin.

My face, and...

and when l laugh,

it hurts my jaw.

l'm a prisoner inside my...

...my own skin.

On the hop!

Librium.

Valium.

Antidepressants.

And the barbiturates,

of course.

Bah, bah, bah, bah

Bah, bah, bah, bah

Bah, bah, bah, bah

Bah, bah, bah, bah

At the hop

Well, you can rock it,

you can roll it

Do the stop

and even stroll it

-At the hop

-Hop, hop, hop, hop

When the record starts spinning

You calypso

when you chicken at the hop

Hop, hop, hop, hop

Do the dance sensation

that is sweeping the nation

-At the hop

-Hop, hop, hop, hop

Let's go to the hop

Let's go to the hop,

oh, baby

Let's go to the hop,

oh, baby

Let's go to the hop

Come on,

let's go to the hop

Well, you can swing it,

you can groove it

You can really start

to move it at the hop

Ah, ah, ah

Where the jockey

is the smoothest

And the music is the coolest

at the hop

All the cats and chicks

can get their kicks at the hop

Let's go!

Let's go to the hop

Let's go to the hop,

oh, baby

Let's go to the hop,

oh, baby

Let's go to the hop

Come on

Let's go to the hop

Let's go!

Bah, bah, bah, bah

Bah, bah, bah, bah

Bah, bah, bah, bah

Bah, bah, bah, bah

At the hop!

Well, there is an upside

to all this pain and...

l firmly believe that.

And...

Good morning.

Uh...

he's almost over the edge.

l think that Gibbon

should see him. Okay?

Pretty Nina was full of semen,

comma, and bath water, period.

But the pretty head...

that knew too much

was now emptied...

of its last

sad, little thought, period.

A lot of products.

Oh, lookee here.

Body cream.

Jesus.

Harem Nights.

ls it done?

This goo, you put it

under your armpits,

you beat your meat with it,

what?

-Shaddup.

-Hey.

Shaddup!

Ah.

Just like a dame.

Tough guys don't upchuck.

They half know that vomit

is a kind of sacrament.

Period.

How are we today?

Mm, l'm not too happy.

l don't... l don't

know about him.

What?

Or maybe you mean you.

What do you mean?

Well, how are we today?

See, you say, ''we.''

Who's the other guy?

lt's just

a way of speaking.

Yeah, it's a medical way.

Assume loss of health

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