The Sitter

Come inside, take off your coat

I'll make you feel at home

Now let's pour a glass of wine

'Cause now we're all alone

Oh, my God!

Girl you make me feel real good

That's right.

What's up?

Oh, my God.

My mom was so right.

Nice guys really do

eat the best p*ssy.

I'm not really sure how to

interpret that. Thank you?

Oh, my God.

How are you so good at that?

I'll let you in

on a trade secret.

I actually write a short story

with my tongue every time I do it.

It follows this young kid

who finds this

alien in the woods

with all these

Reese's Pieces and stuff.

And he learns that

aliens are just no different.

You just can

connect with anyone.

It's kind of like E.

T., only with a lot more going down on chicks.

Cool beans.

Yeah, cool beans.

Definitely. Cool little

frozen beans.

Yeah.

All right, so...

Thank you for coming.

Thank you.

Yeah, we should, uh...

We should probably...

Yeah, you should probably go.

Switch places.

What's that?

I figured...

Don't you have to go?

No, no, I just figured because

I made "mouth love" to you

that maybe you could return the favor.

What?

Maybe toss a BJ my way.

If you have time.

Um, my stomach is

super-iffy right now.

I think I got food poisoning.

Baby.

So I'm just in no condition

to blow you right now, Noah.

No, yeah, that's cool.

Okay.

Sorry. Next time, sweetie.

Are you sure you don't

want to come over tonight?

There's this thing called

a geomagnetic storm.

It's really cool

and rare, actually.

It's like

an astronomical explosion

in the sky of all

these beautiful colors.

Whoa!

Kind of like

Mother Nature's fireworks.

It happens, like, almost never.

Like I said,

I'm just not feeling good.

But thank you so much

for going down on me.

Oh, yeah. You're really good

at, um, getting going down on,

getting downed on,

so you should be proud

of that as well.

Okay, cool. You da man!

You da man.

Peace. You're

the best, sweetie.

Don't stop believing in

yourself, okay, Maris?

Uncle Ricky, could you

read us a bedtime story?

Please, huh, please?

Here we go

Once upon a time, not long ago

Where people wore pajamas

and lived life slow

Where laws were stern

and justice stood

And people were behavin'

like they ought to good

There lived a little boy

who was misled

By another little boy

and this is what he said

Me and you Tike,

we're gonna make some cash

Robbin' old folks

and makin' the dash

They did the job,

money came with ease

But one couldn't stop,

it's like he had a disease

He robbed another and another

and a sister and a brother

Tried to rob a man

who was a D. T. undercover

The cop grabbed his arm,

he started actin' erratic

He said, "Keep still boy,

no need for static"

Punched him in his belly

and gave him a slap

But little did he know,

the little boy was strapped

The kid pulled outta gun,

he said, "Why'd you hit me?"

The barrel was set straight

for the cop's kidney

Ran up the stairs

up to the top floor

Opened up a door,

there guess who he saw

Dave, the dope fiend

shootin' dope

Who don't know the meaning

of water nor soap?

He said, "I need bullets,

hurry up, run "

The dope fiend rolled back

a spankin' shot gun

This ain't funny,

so don't ya dare laugh

Just another case

about the wrong path

Straight and narrow

or your soul gets cast

Good night

Yo, Mom, what's up?

Noah!

Where were you?

Were you out with that girl again?

Yeah, but she's not

"that girl," okay?

We're in a relationship.

It's legit.

So have you started

looking for a job yet?

I can't afford to have you

sitting around all day.

You're in a period of stasis.

Just a stage of stasis.

Sorry.

You sure you don't

want that beer now?

Or maybe something stronger?

I have absinthe.

Why can't we hit up Dad?

He owes us 10 years of alimony.

Oh, look, kiddo.

If you're looking for a handout,

think again times 10.

That guy's a diamond dealer.

He has crazy cash.

Why'd you marry

such an A-hole?

That A-hole gave me the

greatest gift in the world.

Crabs?

He gave me you.

Okay.

So, tell me, what do you think?

Do I look okay?

You look amazing.

Why are you so

concerned with your outfit?

Mrs. Pedulla is introducing

me to a surgeon

at the fundraiser at

the Historical Society.

Okay.

She thinks we're going

to hit it off. Nice.

Well, don't give

it up too easily.

Give what up?

What?

Give what up?

What did...

What the hell are

you talking about?

I don't know.

Have fun. I love you. Okay?

I love you.

Hey, Mom.

Yeah.

I think you're going to

have a really great night,

and you look beautiful.

Oh. From your lips

to God's ears.

Scientists are predicting a giant

storm over the city tonight.

A geomagnetic storm, that is.

Caused by are-ups on the

sun,

this rare storm affects

the Earth's magnetic field...

Noah, can you get the phone?

Mom, the phone's ringing!

Noah, please get the phone!

Mom, the phone's ringing!

Do you hear it?

Noah, can't you think about somebody

else besides yourself for once?

No, I totally was.

That's why I said the phone was ringing.

I was letting you

know that it was ringing.

Yeah. I'm thrilled

about tonight.

You flip, but they flop.

You flip, but they flop!

What? Oh, is that right?

They perfected the pancake?

A rain check?

It's a perfect pancake!

No, that's fine.

It's perfect.

Mom, tell whoever's

on the phone

that there's a perfect pancake.

Thanks.

I'm not going after all.

What? Why?

The Pedullas' sitter

canceled at the last minute.

What?

Do I have sh*t on my face?

Come on. Don't tell me

you can't use the money.

Are you crazy?

No. I'm not Mary Poppins.

I'm not gonna be a babysitter.

I'm an adult man.

Okay? Babysitting sucks.

Adult men don't babysit things.

Oh, Noah, you're

wonderful with children!

You know, never mind.

Who am I kidding?

Finding a guy at my age is ridiculous.

I'm going to change my dress.

What are you in

the mood for? Chinese?

Oh, come on.

Ding-dong!

Noah!

Mrs. Pedulla.

It's so good to see you!

Oh, my gosh.

Get over... Bring it in for a hug, babe.

What are we doing?

God, I haven't see you since

you were, like, 15.

Yeah. So Dr. Pedulla, he's still alive?

You two are still together?

Um...

Oh! That's my kind

of TV, right there.

Yeah, well, feel free to

watch anything you want.

Cool.

Yeah.

Hey, Slater?

Anyway, honey, this is Noah.

He's going to be babysitting tonight.

What happened to Nancy?

Honey, we talked about this.

Nancy has a urinary

tract infection, okay?

Is Clayton coming over tonight?

No, Mom. His tarantula

died from parasites,

and now he's in mourning.

Well, you're in luck, Noah.

The two of them

together are just trouble.

Hey. That's not true.

Why do you say that?

You're always attacking us!

Honey, lam not attacking you.

Okay? Calm down.

You know what?

I'll be right back. Yeah.

Okay? Excuse me

just one second.

Hello?

Hey, what are you watching?

Just watching some gymnastics.

Cool.

Hey, how old are you, man?

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