The Sitter Page #2

Thirteen.

Thirteen?

What am I doing here?

Why aren't you babysitting yourself?

I'm not a babysitter, okay?

Yeah, neither am I.

If you would just

man up and babysit,

I wouldn't have to be here tonight.

I could be out having fun.

I have severe anxiety issues.

And my doctor,

he says that I can't

handle any kind

of responsibility,

or else I could just snap

at any moment.

Jesus Christ, man. Relax.

Okay. Sorry.

Slater, nice to meet you.

All right, should we go upstairs?

Bye, honey.

We're gonna have

some fun tonight, pal.

Roll back nice and easy

Keep your breath inside

so you don't get wheezy

Honey! What did Mommy tell you

about the mascara? Put it down.

You said I

could play dress-up.

Yeah, I said you

could play dress-up,

not make yourself

look like a hooker.

Look at you!

My daughter

Blithe is going through

this whole "celebutante" phase.

It's kind of unfortunate,

but it's a fad.

That's what they

do in the schools.

It'll pass. I don't know

where they come from.

Kids, right?

Yeah, kids.

Are you the babysitter?

Why, in fact, I am.

I'm Noah.

Noah. That's your name?

Yeah.

That's a super-hot name.

What?

Honey, it's not hot.

It's just his name.

Mom, trust me.

It's a hot name.

It's actually biblical.

The Bible's a hot book.

Sometimes I like

to get dressed up

and wear my mom's makeup, Noah.

That's cool.

I was thinking

we could dress you up

like a princess.

No, I don't think, uh...

No, honey.

- Maybe not tonight.

- Mom!

Excuse me just one second.

Yeah, see you in a sec.

Hey, Noah. I have

a little surprise for you.

Cool. Thanks. What is it?

Do you like to smell pretty?

Do I like to what?

Oh, my God!

You got it right in my mouth!

Why'd you do that?

You just spit on my carpet!

And you just sprayed perfume

in my mouth!

What's your problem?

My real babysitter, Nancy, she

plays with me when she babysits.

She does what I want her

to do, Princess Noah!

You know what?

I'm gonna let

you in on a little secret.

I'm not a real babysitter.

Shocking.

I'm more of a sit-on-the-couch,

eat-a-burrito,

do-whatever-L say-or-I'll-Kill-you

type of babysitter.

That's my style, blood.

You understand?

Well, I want to

wear sparkly things,

shiny things,

and glittery stuff

to my favorite

hot nightclub, okay?

Motherfuck!

You guys okay in here?

What's up? Yeah, no, yeah,

I'm just hanging with this

little angel right here.

Yeah, we're just chillin'.

That's funny.

Your breath is really flowery.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Yeah.

Okay, should we go downstairs?

Yeah, cool.

Tonight's main

event features crowd favorite

Ricky Fontaine

versus Dustin MacMillan.

Rodrigo!

What did I tell you about

fireworks in the house?

And can you shut off the

Kickboxing for one night, please?

Say, um, hola to Noah.

We just adopted him

from El Salvador last year

and, you know, he's going

through some transitions.

- Okay, cool.

- Okay, well,

we'll see you later, all right?

Besos.

Sweet kid.

Yeah.

He's a cutie pie.

You kind of have to

watch out for Rodrigo.

He has a habit of running away.

Here, hold on to this.

We sewed a GPS chip into his jacket

so we could keep track of him.

It's kind of like

a LoJack for kids.

Cool. It's just like

a little dot

that follows him,

like a fugitive.

Hey, honey, we're running late!

Let's go!

So...

In a minute.

All of our information is

in here, under the blue tab.

There's some frozen pizzas

and pudding in the fridge,

and we'll be at the Historical

Society if you need us.

Cool.

Someone smells wonderful!

I believe that's Noah's mouth.

You remember Noah.

I understand you

were cited recently

for driving

under the influence.

Needless to say, our cars

are off-limits to you.

Okay, no cars. Got it.

We'll be back

no later than 1:
00.

Earlier's good for me,

too, so hurry home.

And thank you!

Thank you, sweetheart.

What the f*** am I doing here?

I come in peace.

And you go in pieces, a**hole.

What's up, little man?

What'd you do that for?

You clean it.

You clean it.

- F***ing weirdo.

- Hey, Noah!

How's that perfume taste?

Rodrigo, what is

your deal? Stop!

Can we go to a club tonight?

This place is so dead.

No.

Don't you just want to

go dancing or something?

Rodrigo, seriously,

what is your deal? Stop!

I'm trying to watch TV with

JonBenet Ramsey over here.

That's uncomfortable.

Do you want to

hear some gossip?

I got some hot gossip.

I'm okay, actually.

I'm trying to watch this, if

you could be quiet.

Give it.

I'm watching this, so can you

guys just be quiet, please?

Thank you.

I know

a secret nobody else knows.

Oh, what's up, twins?

Ls Slater home?

Is he here?

Yeah, oh, my God!

Slater!

You got the two redrum chicks from

The Shining here to see you!

Slater's a cool guy.

We go to school together.

Oh, my God!

Take care.

Hi, Slater!

Wendy Sapperstein is having

her Bat Mitzvah tonight,

and she said it was okay if

some boys wanted to crash it.

But we only want

the super-cute boys.

I don't know if

I could make it tonight.

My parents aren't home,

and I'm not really

supposed to go anywhere.

Well, if you want to come,

you can text us.

Yeah, text us, definitely.

Okay.

I'll see you later, guys.

Okay, cool!

What's cooking,

good-looking?

You know what?

I'm at a party.

Party? I thought you

had food poisoning.

I did, and then

Steph called me,

and she invited

me to this party.

Do you want to come?

Damn!

I'm doing something

for my mom right now.

I really,

really want to see you.

I'm actually, like,

super-horny for you,

and I was thinking

we could have sex.

Like intercourse sex?

Yeah, like full-on

vaginal sex.

Yeah, I think I can work something out.

Yeah. For sure.

Awesome.

Listen, will you do me a favor and

pick up some coke on your way?

Yeah, sure. Do you want anything

else, like beer, mixers?

No, I mean, like

coke!

You mean blow?

I thought you were done with that stuff.

That stuff's bad news.

I am done with it.

It's not for me. It's for Steph,

and it's her birthday.

She asked me for it.

I'm just trying to be a

really good friend about it.

I don't even know where I'd

get something like that.

Just call Karl.

Who's Karl?

He's just a super-awesome guy

who sells me drugs.

Used to sell me drugs.

Noah...

I only have 150 bucks.

That's more than enough.

Just ask for one ticket,

and he'll hook it up.

Leave me alone, a**hole!

I'm on the phone with my boyfriend.

Did you just call me

your boyfriend?

Yeah, I guess I did.

So are you coming or not?

Hello? Are you there?

Yeah. F*** it. I'm in.

Holy sh*t balls.

A minivan.

That car's not hot at all.

As much as I hate to do this,

we're going on

a little field trip.

What is your deal?

Why are you wearing so much makeup?

Looking real fly

on my way to the club

Gonna dance all night

and get f***ed up

Say whatever you want.

I know I look good.

All right, one of you guys

has to hop up here with me.

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