The Son of Bigfoot

1

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Do we know where

the light is the brightest?

Do we know how to

clear what the fear is?

Do we know how to

feel when we crave it?

Do we know

what we are?

(DOGS BARKING)

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS)

(BARKING)

(PANTING)

(DOGS CONTINUE BARKING)

(DOGS WHIMPERING)

(GRUNTS)

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

(YELPS)

EASTMAN ON MEGAPHONE:

Dr. Harrison, stop.

You can't run forever.

- (FIRING)

- (GASPS)

Do we know where the

light is the brightest

EASTMAN:
There's no escape, Doctor.

You're coming with us.

(GRUNTS)

EASTMAN:
Don't use your dart

gun. We got him cornered.

Do we know what we are

Argh! We were so close...

BABY ADAM:
Daddy.

- Hmm?

- Daddy. (LAUGHS)

(SOBBING)

- (BOY SPITS)

- (GROANS)

(BOYS LAUGHING)

Adam Harrison!

Huh? Oh, yes, sir?

No sleeping in detention.

Use this time for something productive.

(GROANS)

(GROANS) What?

- (GRUNTS)

- (BOYS LAUGHING)

What's going on back there?

That's disgusting!

Adam, what's the problem?

It looks like someone stuck

six packs of gum in my hair.

- I didn't see nothing.

- (BOYS LAUGH)

MR. BLAKESTONE:
Tony,

go to the office.

Not again!

(LAUGHS) Ow!

You're dead, snitch!

(KIDS CHATTERING)

Ow. Ow! (SIGHS)

- (GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

- (RIPPING)

Holy crap, what's happening to me? (GASPS)

(GRUNTING) Oh!

(KIDS LAUGHING)

(OVERLAPPNG CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

Look at his shoes! (LAUGHS)

Huh? What... What?

(HIGH-PITCHED WHINING)

Spaz alert.

He used to be in my History class.

That's why I changed classes.

He's got like no friends.

(GRUNTS)

Hey, Adam. Are you okay?

Don't run, I don't bite.

Well, look who it is.

How ya doing, snitch?

Leave me alone.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(GROANING)

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey there, mop-top, whatcha doin'?

Are you on your way to

the janitor's closet?

'Cause you look like a mop!

- (LAUGHTER)

- Good one!

Seriously, that counts as a good one?

Give me a break!

- (GRUNTS)

- Good one!

- (BOTH LAUGHING)

- That's a good one.

(GRUNTS) Get off me!

What? You gonna rat me out again?

Hard to say. It depends

on the circumstances.

Wrong answer, snitch!

(GRUNTING)

ADAM:
Stop!

(LAUGHS)

Okay, you've had enough.

Here, let me help you.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Look at his shoes! What a freak!

Oh, hey, you forgot your backpack!

Cha-ching! Two points!

(ALL CONTINUE LAUGHING)

Jerks...

(SIGHS)

SHELLY:
It was those boys again wasn't it?

No, I told you. I was playing soccer

with my friends and the

ball hit me in the face.

Oh, yeah? What friends

of yours play soccer?

Uh... The British ones...

My mates. But they call soccer "football."

Oh, do they? And how did this happen?

Soccer can be a dangerous sport.

Adam, quit messing around.

What are we going to do about this?

Either we chop it out, or we chew it out.

I vote chew.

Ugh. I vote chop.

Turn around.

(SIGHS)

You had such nice, long hair.

(CONTINUES SNIPPING)

(GARGLING)

(SPITS)

At least they can't make

fun of my hair anymore.

(ALARM RINGING)

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

(GASPS) Holy crap!

Adam, You're gonna be late!

I'll be down in a minute!

(WHIMPERING)

(SNIPPING)

Adam...

(SIGHS) That's not gonna work.

SHELLY:
What's taking so long?

Are you all right?

- (TOILET FLUSHING)

- ADAM:
I'm fine!

I guess your meatloaf didn't agree with me.

I thought you loved my meatloaf.

Love is a strong word. I like it.

No, like's too strong.

Hey, I hate your meatloaf.

What?

Listen, my meatloaf is...

Oh, Adam.

- What?

- That hat...

What about it?

That was your father's.

Oh, sorry.

Why are you sorry?

I dunno.

He died. I didn't mean to make you sad.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

He was a great man.

ADAM:
I wish I knew him.

(EXCLAIMING)

I did a sloppy job on your hair.

I must have been more tired than I thought.

Here, let's put this back on.

It looks good on you.

Now hurry up, you're going

to be late for school.

I can't believe you don't like my meatloaf.

I'll let you in on a secret, Mom.

Nobody likes your meatloaf.

Okay. Well, enjoy your lunch.

It's meatloaf, isn't it?

- Mmm. Could be.

- (GROANS)

EASTMAN:
All powerful men

have one thing in common.

- Great hair.

- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN AWE)

HairCo toupees have been worn in secret

by some of the greatest men in history.

(MEN EXCLAIMING IN AWE)

But you're not here to

be a part of our past,

you're here to be part of the future.

Make no mistake, gentlemen,

hair is a growth business.

I'm afraid we'll need to

ask you for your cameras.

(ALL GRUMBLING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(STAMMERING)

(SCANNER WHINING)

- (BEEPING RAPIDLY)

- Huh?

Mr. Kobayashi, I must insist.

- Oh.

- (CHUCKLES)

- Ooh.

- (EXCLAIMS)

EASTMAN:
This is where the magic happens.

The future isn't toupees, no, no, no.

The future lies in growing real hair.

(SCREAMING)

We're not talking about

embarrassing hair plugs,

useless scalp massagers, or fancy shampoo.

We're talking about genetic engineering.

State of the art DNA manipulation.

We're on the verge of a major breakthrough

that will change the lives of

hundreds of millions of people...

(MOOS)

And make us a fortune in the process.

(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(HISSING)

Dr. Billingsley is our head of

experimental research and development.

Ah, here comes one of

our eager young interns.

Uh, Dr. Billingsley? (CLEARS THROAT)

I'm getting college cedit for this, right?

Of course.

Oh, okay. I'll just need you to

sign my work experience time sheet.

Stand on the "X."

Hold on, you're not

going to shoot me with...

Ow! (GROANS)

Ouch!

Oh.

Whoa.

Oh!(LAUGHS)

ALL:
Ooh.

Now, you may experience a

slight burning sensation.

But don't worry about it.

(SCREAMING)

Help me! (SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) As you can see,

we're still perfecting the formula.

Once we do, people will

pay anything for it.

The real money is in big hair.

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Hmm. Reduce fluoroantimonic

acid by five percent.

- (FIRE EXTINGUISHER CLATTERS)

- (SIGHS)

PRINCIPAL JONES:
We have a no

fighting policy at this school,

zero tolerance.

You fight, you're suspended!

- (MOUTHING)

- You're suspended!

Do you hear me? Suspended!

- (GIGGLES) You're so funny.

- (DOOR OPENS)

Hey, you better watch your back, snitch.

PRINCIPAL JONES:
Adam Harrison.

I believe this belongs to you.

Nametag was on the inside.

Oh, thank you, sir!

Don't be throwing it into

basketball hoops anymore.

What? Why would I throw my

own bag into a basketball hoop?

Who knows why you kids do anything?

Adam, you are what we call a...

Mildred. (GRUNTS)

Uh, what are we saying

instead of spazoid these days?

MILDRED:
Uh, normally challenged, sir.

Oh, and, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

How would I say "friendless loser"?

MILDRED:
Mid-level

acquaintance deficiency.

(GRUNTING)

Adam, you have mid-level

acquaintance deficiency.

Do they make a pill for that?

- MILDRED:
No, sir.

- (GULPS)

(SIGHS) Apparently, there's

nothing we can do for you.

This acting out needs to stop.

But, sir...

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