The Stuff

1

( gurgling )

What the hell is this?

So smooth! Huh!

That tastes real good!

Tasty! Sweet!

MAN:
Harry, what are you doing

down there? Taking a leak?

- No.

- Want us to wait for ya?

Uh... No, no. You guys go ahead.

I'll catch up to you later.

Well, I'll be damned.

Whatever that could be,

it's mighty good.

Mm.

Harry, what are you doing,

eating snow?

You outta your head, buddy?

If this is snow... Try it.

- No. I don't eat snow.

- C'mon! Give it a try.

That's not snow. Try it.

HARRY:
Huh?

What the hell is it?

You know, if this stuff keeps

bubbling out of the ground,

there might be enough over here

that we could sell to people.

BOY:
Ow!

Jesus Christ! I'm being eaten alive.

( sighs )

I'm burning hot!

( tap running )

( squelching )

You scared me! You shouldnt be

walking around here like this.

What are you doing down here? I thought

you were a burglar or something.

- I was hungry.

- You were hungry?

Did you see?

- See what?

- It...

What's the matter with you, anyway?

It was moving!

Listen to me, young man. Get your butt

back to bed! You understand?

Don't ever pull this on me again.

Move!

( cutlery rattles )

When I was a little girl,

I didn't think there was anything

that I liked better than ice cream.

Now I'm a big girl

and I've decided there's something

I like better. Much better.

It's called The Stuff.

And believe me,

enough is never enough.

( seagulls calling )

A month ago, they acquired the

Chocolate Chip Charlie chain of outlets

on the West coast,

with the intention of converting them

and being in business in 60 days.

After that, they'll go national.

I wish to hell we knew how they make it.

Yeah, we could copy it.

What I meant to say is, uh,

"we could, uh, improve on it".

Apparently, we've had no luck

in analyzing the ingredients

and no luck getting close to anybody

inside the company.

That's why I've asked Moe Rutherford

to come here today.

Huh. Look, are you sure we want to get

mixed up with industrial spies?

Look, I want results

and he's the best there is.

It's men like Moe Rutherford

that help us stay in business.

Yes, I suppose we do have to keep

the world safe for ice cream.

Didn't you used to be

with the Bureau?

At least I didn't get my ass kicked out,

like you did.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I missed out on Abscam, DeLorean,

all the good times.

Well, just follow me, hotshot!

Let's see if you're worth your money.

Oh! This is some place

you've got here, fellas.

- Hm.

- Gosh! Let me, uh...

That's a sweaty palm.

That's two sweaty palms.

Let me feel you!

Ah! That's another sweaty palm.

- Yes, sir. Hello, sweaty palms.

- How do you do?

- So, tell me about The Stuff.

- You've been briefed on this problem.

Well, I don't understand why you didn't go

to the Food and Drug Administration.

Well, for one reason or another,

right after it was approved,

most of those involved resigned.

They're either out of the country

or on vacation.

Or they have been, uh, paid off!

That is the American way, you know.

We've never had so much trouble

getting information out of a company.

Don't you worry about that.

Every stone wall has a chink in it.

I'll get inside there, penetrate

the company, do some damage.

- But it's going to be expensive.

- Look!

We don't want to know how you do it.

Just, uh... do it!

I understand. You guys don't like me.

I heard it on the tap there.

Someone said I'd been fired

from the FBI, I'd been blackballed,

that I was obscene.

Someone here said I was obscene.

Who said I was obscene?

How the hell did you know that?

Well, while you were

at the Metropolitan Opera last night,

I just happened to be walking

through your hotel room

and I dropped this in your pocket.

Huh?

Oh, sh*t!

Well, I'll be a son-of-a-b*tch!

- You know, Mr... Uh?

- Rutherford, Moe Rutherford.

- You know why they call me Moe?

- No, why?

'Cause every time people give me money,

I always want mo'.

- Well, you know, Mr Rutherford?

- Yes, sir?

I don't think you're quite as dumb

as you appear to be.

No one is as dumb as I appear to be.

( man chuckles )

Now, as I understand it, there is

a certified check with my name on it.

- The gentleman there.

- Ooh, this fella here?

MOE:
Oh, yes. Look at that.

Okay, yeah.

That's good enough for starters.

A**hole!

When you talk to the FBI,

would you tell them this for me?

Ugh!

- Broke his jaw.

- What the hell...?

Uh, thanks for the job, gentlemen.

Will you go up and tell your brother

to get down here?

Oh, come on! My cereals gonna get

soggy. I'll get him when I'm done.

Do as I tell you and do it now!

Maybe his alarm didn't go off.

He was up running around in the middle

of the night. No wonder he's exhausted.

( mouths )

Tell him he's not missing school.

I don't care what his excuse is.

Hi.

MOM:
There he is!

- What do you want for breakfast?

- Nothing.

I'll scramble a few over easy for you.

Well, uh, my stomach doesn't really

feel too good.

DAD:
It sure felt good

at four oclock this morning!

Listen, young man, you've missed

three days of school already.

You're not missing any more.

I don't know what your plans are today,

but you're not about

to miss any more days.

May I have some?

I've finished my cereal.

- Sure. It's good for you.

- No! Don't eat that!

There's nothing wrong with it.

I had some last night.

I'm telling you, it isn't good.

It's... spoiled.

It doesn't taste spoiled to me.

You taste it and tell me

if you think it's spoiled.

I don't want any.

Look, it moves around all by itself.

It moves!

I saw it move in the refrigerator.

Hey, freak!

What are you on, anyway?

- Jason! You come back here!

- I hope these stains come out.

- What's the matter with that boy?

- Look at that. Not a spot.

Low in calories, good tasting

and it doesn't even spot.

And he doesn't like it.

- There's nothing like it around.

- Coupled with benign bacteria?

It was probably just a lucky accident

that tasted great.

They seem to reproduce this accident

in great quantities.

Well, that's what I don't understand.

I thought some government regulation

requires them to reveal the contents.

They're protected by the FDA's

Statute of Identity's rule.

The same law protects Coca-Colas

secret formula for their syrup.

MOE:
Gentlemen,

the little lady entering the room

is doing some

undercover research for me.

Because, folks, if we're going to

find out the secret formula of Stuff,

we're going to have to steal it.

( music plays )

WOMAN:
A little faster paced. Okay?

Let's get movement into this. Step, step!

Let's see the bathing suits.

Okay, I want wonderful smiles.

- You got that, is it good?

- MAN:
Yes.

Now I want you to feed each other

The Stuff with nice smiles on your face.

My lips crave more and more

each day

One lick is never enough

of The Stuff...

Pearl and Cathy, get a slightly

tighter shot of them, will you?

- MAN:
You want me to move in?

- As they come forward, move in.

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