The Substitute Page #3

from the Junior League.

Anyone trying to take this watch

will have to take this arm.

It's been known to happen.

They hack them off with chain saws now.

Students in Wood Shop

made these for me.

Every year at fin'st assembly,

I give a little demonstration.

Power perceived...

is power achieved.

I'd remember that little truism,

Mr. Smith.

It will assist you greatly

in your teaching.

- Nice tie.

- We don't need any insurance.

We might.

You haven't heard the gig yet.

Tell us what it is.

- It's something different.

- Who gives a sh*t?

I just want to get back

in the action.

- It's a school.

- Damn! It is a school.

- I told you, man.

- What kind of school?

A high school.

I'm substituting there.

- Substitute for what?

- For Janie.

She got kneecapped by a gang.

She's in the hospital now.

Oh, sh*t.

We all feel bad for Janie, right?

But a high school?

What's in it for us?

Well, probably nothing up front...

but there might be something

on the back end.

Maybe something on the back end.

You mind telling me what the f***

is wrong with this picture?

Fin'st you turn down Wolfson.

Now you want us to go do a job

at a high school on deferment.

- Hollan, chill out.

- Chill out yourself!

High school is bullshit, man.

You all know what's wrong.

You ain't got the guts to say it.

- Why don't you tell us, Hollan?

- I'll tell it, man.

Cuba wimped you out.

You lost your mind and your balls.

Maybe I'll borrow yours.

On second thought,

maybe they're too small.

F*** you, man!

F***ing queers.

No promises, but I'm telling you,

there's something wrong there.

They're not doing thein' homework?

All I can tell you...

is these kids are walking around

with cellular phones and pagers...

and driving $50,000 BMWs.

There's drugs, and where

there's drugs there's cash.

We're not going to walk

out of there empty-handed.

It's your decision.

You tell me.

Violation, violation.

Good morning, class.

Today...

we're going to talk

about Vietnam.

Viet who?

F*** that sh*t.

You had to be resourceful

in Vietnam.

You had to grow eyes

in the back of your head.

You're a dead motherf***er!

I don't like disorder in my room.

Clean it up, Tay.

Knock that n*gger out,

my n*gger.

F*** you!

You're gonna f*** that n*gger up?

He represent K.O.D.

Stay down there

until it looks spotless.

Ah, man, look at him, dog.

All red and embarrassed.

Shut up, Jerome.

And you, hand over the ice pick.

I ain't got no ice pick.

This is my class, Rodriguez.

I don't allow weapons in here.

This ain't your class, b*tch.

I'll carry what I want.

Take that Superman sh*t

somewhere else.

It's impolite to stick your finger

in somebody's chest.

Would you like it

if I did that to you?

Hand over the ice pick, please.

Thank you.

Sit down.

You broke my hand.

I bent it. I don't break them

on the fin'st offense.

I'm in charge of this class.

I'm the warrior chief.

I'm the merciless god of anything

that stin's in my universe.

You f*** with me

and you will suffer my wrath.

Yeah.

Can I go to the nurse's office?

Sure, Rodriguez.

Go ahead.

Take Tay with you.

- Come on, b*tch.

- Man, take this with you.

Anybody else want to go?

Okay, let's get back

to Vietnam.

Anybody know where it is?

It's in Korea?

We facilitated a day care program...

so young mothers can come back

to school and still see thein' children.

F***! Ah, no!

Excuse me.

Get me some ice or something.

This is killing me.

- What's going on here?

- Ask Mr. Smith.

- I'm suing this f***ing place.

- Stop that language.

Marvin, we've got trouble

in room 3B.

Hey, get to class.

I was a member of a special ops

team called "Mercs. "

Long-range reconnaissance teams

that were choppered to the jungle...

in areas along

the Ho Chi Min Trail.

Fighting with these

native mountain tribes.

When we'd run out of bullets...

we'd have to take the weapons...

thein' AK-47s...

off the enemy dead

and use thein' ammo.

That way we could keep fighting,

keep advancing.

That sounds like a Saturday night

in Miami, you know?

My uncle got his legs

blown off in Vietnam...

but he doesn't talk about it.

- We were there because of Hitler?

- F*** no, dog.

That's World War I

you're talking about.

No, those were earlier wars.

We were in Vietnam

to fight Communism.

That's why my family left Cuba...

because Castro turned Communist.

- Uh-huh.

- What's up, Mr. Smith?

How many people did you kill

in Vietnam?

I never counted.

Mr. Smith,

you lost any homeboys?

I lost some homeboys.

Me too, dog.

Mostly drive-bys, though.

You ever been shot,

Mr. Whatever Your Name Is?

Sucker.

Yeah, I've been shot.

Check this out.

I've been sliced and shot.

F*** that sh*t.

I got shot, you know.

I got an AK in the leg.

That's what I'm talking about.

See you.

Two of your students are in the

nurse's office talking a lawsuit.

Why, is the nurse a lawyer?

Corporal punishment is not allowed

in the Dade County school system.

It wasrt corporal punishment.

It was self-defense.

And power achieved

is power perceived.

Well, I will admit

you got thein' attention.

Which is good,

but I can't afford a lawsuit.

Now, if you were to apologize

to these two young men...

Oh, that'll be the f***ing day.

Then you leave me no choice.

I have to let you go.

No, wait a minute.

You can't fin'e me

without two weeks' notice...

not unless you want a public hearing

in front of the school board.

Hey, you do what you have to do.

On the other hand,

I want to be fain'.

You take your two weeks.

Thanks. That's all I wanted.

- James Smith.

- Here we are.

- He's in the computer?

- Yes.

- What's his background?

- Smith, James.

He's a Harvard grad

with a masters from Yale.

Wait, make that

two masters from Yale.

This guy is amazing.

And wow... a Ph. D. From Princeton.

You laid it on a little thick.

What do you want

on such short notice?

I'm starting to think he's taking

this teaching sh*t seriously.

You don't have to help me.

I'm not a baby.

I'll get it. Easy.

I'm home!

I don't have any groceries

or Percocet.

My God, look at the mail.

Leave that stuff alone

and get something to eat.

Why didn't you bring it to me?

I could have done something.

I was just sitting there,

doing nothing.

Miss Hetzko, this is Jim Smith.

I want to tell you that everything

is under control at school.

Get better and don't worry.

Talk to you later.

Under control?

Is he teaching them at gunpoint?

This is the "Miami Herald,"

and I just...

What is it?

"Miss H, you were the only

teacher who cared about me.

Please get well

and don't give up on us.

Love, Lisa Rodriguez. "

- That was very nice.

- Yeah.

Don't cry. Sit down

and have a shrimp roll.

I'm not crying.

Smith probably made her

send it anyway.

- Oh, no, he didn't.

- How do you know?

I don't know, okay?

But it figures a few kids

might send you a card on thein' own.

It's obvious you have never

taught at Columbus High.

Ladies, go to class.

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