The Swap

1

-How am I doing?

-Killing it, man.

Keep working on rebounding

from the hit

and there'll be three

Malloys on varsity.

-Come on, dude! Gimme the puck!

-No, gimme the puck!

-Jack!

-Four if you count your dad.

Jack, "it's not whether

you get knocked down;

it's whether you get

back up." Vince lombardi.

"But ya gotta get up

quicker." Coach Malloy.

Son or not, if you don't

recover quicker,

you're not making my team.

Understood, coach.

Will work on my post-

check rallying, sir.

So,

sassy met Aspen

at fashionista

glam camp this summer.

No big shocker there.

No wonder. I thought

it was weird that Aspen

just transferred in and sassy's

already under her spell.

Fashionista glam camp.

What do they even do there?

Who knows

and who cares?

Ok, girls, hustle in!

Ok, we are going

to make a shift.

Claire, I'm gonna be working

with you today, Ellie,

you're gonna spot MacKenzie,

and Aspen,

you're gonna spot sassy.

What?! But coach, sassy and i

have been practice partners

-since, like, forever.

-Don't exaggerate, El.

Like, only since

kindergarten.

Ok, but Aspen

is new to town--

-from New York!

-Buffalo, New York.

-It's still New York.

-It is still New York.

And she and sassy are just a

better physical match, ok?

Ok, moving on!

Ok. Focus zone.

First varsity,

then early acceptance

into Boston college,

-then drafted by the bruins--

-yeah, I've seen "the list",

-jackattack.

-Bro,

don't worry about coach.

You're cruising past everyone.

But keep an eye

on dumbledork over there.

Who, Porter? He's been

trying to escape j.V.

Since we were sophomores.

He'd knock his own

grandmother's teeth out

just to keep another Malloy

from getting a spot.

Yo, you got this, bro.

Girls, it is time to put

your big girl leotards on,

because the rumors

they're true.

-Trumors.

-The school

is making budget cuts

and is eliminating

one of the sports teams,

so it is between the

badminton team -gross,

i know, ew- and us.

So if we don't win big on

Sunday against silver leaf

high, and I mean big,

they are gonna

demote us to a club.

-A club?

-That's what I said.

- Like chess, or thespians?

-For serious?

This is tragical!

-Coach, they can't do that!

My dad, uh, people will

never drive halfway across

the state to see a club!

I know that, and...

Aw, come on!

Oh, my goodness!

Are you alright, Carol?

That was my mistake.

I was aiming for your neck.

-Aim for your

neck next time!

-That doesn't make sense.

I will come over there,

i will break you in half!

Ok, you guys, you're

gonna be fine. I mean,

with Ellie as

your old powerhouse

and Aspen as your new

powerhouse, how

can you lose?

Jack, be the puck!

Be the stick!

Be the puck and the stick

and the space in between!

-Are you listening?

-Wha...?

Not looking, listening!

Not so tough for a coach's

kid, are you, Malloy?

You can't even take a hit.

I can take a hit, Porter,

and I'll take that last

varsity spot too.

- Yeah!

Listen up, shmelts!

Bring it in!

Ok, decent job. But

whoever's gonna get

that last varsity spot,

I'm gonna need to see

your a-game, and that's

not just on the ice,

but off it, too!

No horseplayin',

no highjinksin',

and definitely no

unsportsmanlike

shenanigangin'!

We've got two more days

of tryouts, boys.

Show me what you're made of!

You wanna rescue this team,

don't you? Yeah.

You do. Everything you need

is inside you right now.

You just have to find it.

You're not little girls

anymore!

You're men now! The world's

gonna be your oyster!

You're women, hear you roar!

- Right?

- And all you've gotta do...

- -Is not blow it!

Don't leave me hanging here.

Yes! Don't blow it!

Yeah! Don't blow it, boys!

Don't blow it! Don't

blow it! Don't blow it!

Good job, you guys.

But don't leave me

next time that long, right?

'Cause for me,

that's very awkward.

Oh, he's coming down! Oh!

We've got nothing.

Dude, ya gotta chop that

salad. You practically

got a man bun going.

-Nobody's touching

my hair, dude.

-Come on,

it's a varsity tradition.

Plus it might help you

with your "lady troubles".

Shut it.

-Quit bustin'

his chops, Sally.

-Who you chirpin' at, Mary?

Aw, you gonna cry, baby butter?

-Man up!

-Not crying.

Champ.

Oh! You might cry

when coach sees that!

-Yeah, thanks, guys.

-Oh, little bro

pushing back!

Broskinator. Here.

I know it's pink,

but at least it still

has service. Coach said

he didn't shut it off

because he paid the year

in advance,

but I think

he just couldn't.

Nah, it's ok. I'll just go

off the grid for

a little while.

How's he gonna text you

his inspirational quotes?

'Sides, I already

transferred your number.

Mom sure did love

her sparkles.

Hey, what soon-to-be varsity

athlete doesn't want a

twinkly sequined lady phone?

Mom? What's with the car?

Oh, I feng shui-ed it,

honey, to give you a

stronger life force

for the big weekend

coming up!

-I'm excited.

Are you so excited?

-Yeah.

Oh, I got that.

Let's go!

Sweetie, won't you let me

get you a new phone?

Your dad left that ancient thing

behind for a reason.

It's not ancient. It's...

Retro-chic.

I just think you're attaching

too much significance

to an inanimate object.

"Mystical religions 101." Early

shamans knew investing too much

emotional energy in an object...

Could make it a totem

and give it power over you.

Mom, it's a cell phone,

not gollum's ring.

Hey, Jacko! You're 30

seconds late for "one-on-one

truck time" with coach.

-He's pulling up now. You

know how he hates to wait.

-Come on, buddy.

"Better three hours too soon

than a minute late."

Shakespeare.

Not even an athlete.

Not with those pantaloony

things he wore.

Yes, sir. Probably not, sir.

Would it really be so bad

if the team became a club?

I was in Spanish club and

it was "muy divertido"!

And MacKenzie is

in stem club, isn't she?

At least it would be something

new, and "new" is good.

New moons, new experiences,

perhaps a new best friend?

-Sassy's my best friend.

-Well, maybe you could

let some new energy in.

I mean, isn't that

what sassy's doing?

Thanks.

Have such a good day,

sweetie! Mommy loves you.

-Bye, mom.

-'Sup, dog breath?

-'Sup, dork chop?

Good to see you, bud.

Hey! 'Sup, hot mama?

News flash?

Skirts don't have legs.

-So embarrassing...

-Amirite?

-There. We good?

-Not really.

Sass, come on, you know we

always wear our tracksuits

the Friday before a meet.

-Rg pride, right?

-Yeah! Wish I hadn't caved.

Uh, yeah, we did, like,

make a pact last year...

Well, I wasn't here last year

to lead a fashion rescue,

- now was I?

Ooh, sassy, look!

It's your future first

husband, Jack Malloy!

You like Jack?

You didn't tell me.

Does he even know

who you are?

Have you never heard

of a vision board?

Jack is all over hers.

-Go ahead, do it

like we practiced.

-Ok.

-Jack, here comes a girl!

-Say something.

Hey, guys.

Heeeyyyy, jaaaaack.

Uh...

Uh...

Ha...

Well, at least this time you

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