The Swap Page #2

opened your mouth, bromigo.

Yeah. Maybe next time

words will come out.

Ooh, I love the strong

silent type!

Nice phone, Malloy. You use that

to schedule your mani-pedis?

Hey, I was thinkin'.

Doesn't coach have a rule,

if you start a fight

you can't be on varsity?

-You oughta know, you've

tried out three times.

-Actually, four times.

Did sophomore year twice, idiot.

Go ahead, ladies first!

Then it'll look like you started

it when I show the video to

coach. Or does that even matter?

Don't all Malloys get

a free ride onto varsity?

Ha, worked better than

i expected. Oh, man.

Say goodbye to

your dreams, buddy.

Seriously?! I've had a milk

mustache since lunch?!

You think things with Ellie

are tough now? It's only

gonna get worse, babe.

I mean, people like us

have to make legit tough

decisions sometimes.

I know, I know.

I wish Ellie'd just get it

without me having to be all

-super awk obvious.

-It's kind of sad, actually.

Almost as sad as that ponytail.

I mean, what is she, 12? Oh,

and daddy's heirloom phone?

Why is she so attached

to that thing?

-Like, move on already!

-Yeah, I mean,

it was super sad

when her dad left, but,

like, life goes on and...

Ooh, is that

"paparazzi pucker"?

No, it's called

"lip glossip". Try it!

Maybe I can just tell her

she's being too clingy

and she'll, like,

change? I mean,

I don't want to actually

hurt her feelings.

Ok, ok, fine, give her

one more chance, keep her

on social life support.

But if she's her typical

buzzkill self at Claire's

party, it might be time

to pull the plug. Beep.

Beep. Beep.

Beeeeep.

It's my lucky day.

I got a crier and a kid

with a bloody nose.

Here. Wipe off

the tears, kid.

You took quite a hit, didn't

you, hon? You want cry?

We won't tell anybody.

Not crying. Not a girl.

No offense.

None taken.

Oh, that makes it

less offensive?

"Not crying". Yeah,

'cause you've got nothing

to cry about! I mean,

you're a guy, aren't you?

If someone disses you,

you don't have to hide

in a bathroom stall.

-Guys have it so easy!

-Ok, pull it back, pit bull!

In what universe

do guys have it easy?

If some ginosaurus tricked

you into a fight, think

people'd blame you?!

No, you'd just get all emo

then hug it out with your

mom in the kitchen

-while you bake

banana bread or...

-Ok, zip it.

You wanna fight

the battle of the sexes?

Why don't you just text,

like every other kid does?

No more yakking

in my office.

-This one's hers,

mine is the pink one.

-I don't care and I mean it.

Keep those Mac'n'cheese

holes shut.

Fine, you wanna goof off,

I'm gonna go to the snack

bar, get myself some

pork rinds.

I love pork rinds.

Why am I on the floor?

Did I forget deodorant?

I smell like a dude.

And why does my thumb taste

like athletic tape and dirt?

What the what? Wait,

who painted my fingernails?

You... you stole my face!

You stole my whole body!

How'd you get inside?

How'd I get inside?

This is like a nightmare!

I feel so grimy!

Dude! Slap me,

and I'll slap you,

and we'll see if we can slap

each other -ourselves-

back to reality!

Ok.

-Ow!

-Oh!

Oh, sorry! Boy hands

just hit so hard!

Ew, why am I so sweaty

in weird places?

-What is the purpose

of underarm hair?

-Dude, focustrate!

What exactly were we doing

right before this...

This thing happened?

Texting. We were texting!

-"I wish I had your life..."

- "Take it. Then

I'd get yours."

We did this!

No! No! It's just a stupid text!

I once texted a wish

that I could power fart myself

across the ice and trust me,

that didn't happen!

Ok, you're right. I mean, a text

can't have that kind of power.

Investing too much emotional

energy in an object could make

it a totem and give it power

-over you.

-But wait! A totem can!

That phone! Is it, like,

special to you in some way?

I guess. Yeah. I mean... it

belonged to somebody special.

I can't believe it. My mom

isn't crazy after all.

She took this class on mystical

religions, and if you put

too much emotional energy

into one object, you could turn

it into a totem, and then it

could have power over you.

Bro, no way, that is nuts!

We just swapped bodies!

You got a better theory,

Mr. lady?

Ok, we gotta

un-text our wish!

Maybe it's the second part of

the text? We said our lives

would be better

if we were each other.

But we didn't mean it!

Your mom must have a book from

that class, right? So we sneak

over to your house and--

I can't sneak anywhere! My

mom's, like, got her pilot's

license in helicopter parenting!

- Ok, ok!

We gotta fake being each other

till we can get there!

Speed coaching,

one on one, let's do this!

-Ew! Don't get

your spit all over it!

-Technically it's your spit,

but... oh, who cares? Focus

zone!

Oh, just lemme do it!

Ok, fine, whatever, me first.

Hockey is my life.

I live with my dad

and twin brothers.

-You live with all guys?!

- We call my dad coach,

and we exercise a lot,

like, a lot a lot. Ah!

Sorry! Ok, me. I live

with my mom, she's

a yoga instructor

and she schedules, like,

her entire life around me.

-I specialize in the ribbon

in rhythmic gymnastics.

-Is that what it's called?

I've seen you girls jumping

around or whatever.

It's called practice!

R.G. Is a totally legit sport!

-Ah! Don't yank,

twinkle toes!

-What now, highlights?

Get out.

I think you might need glasses

for your eyeballs, I'm getting

vertigo. I think I'm gonna puke.

No puking in my body! Ugh,

how do you carry yourself

around on these feet?

No! She can't see us

together! She likes y... and

she can't think I like...

Can't break girl code!

Just get away, get away!

Heeeeeyyyy, jaaaaaack.

Oh! Uh... hey there,

miss sassy.

Ohh, so you do know my name!

Um, Ellie? What

are you doing here?

Uhh.

Mmmmaaa. Suh... suh...

See? Buzzkiller.

I'm gonna make my mom late

for bikram belly dancing.

And as we all know, bikram

is amazeballs. So let's go.

I hope to see you soon,

Mr. Malloy.

What was that?!

"Uhh... maaa... suh-suh"?

I just, I'm not used to being

a girl, ok? I choked!

Where's the "we're gonna have

to fake it" guy? I mean,

she's my best friend

and we're... going

through a thing right now

-and you can't

make things worse!

- Ok, just don't lose it!

'Cause nothing would make things

worse for me than my father

or anyone else seeing my body

blubbering like that!

-Sorry if I have

real emotions, ok?

-Shh! Come on, this way!

Malloy! Guess

where I'm headed?

Over to a viewing party

with coach,

a.K.A.K... a.,

-your daddy.

-What is your problem, dude?

Why can't you just

leave me, her,

him alone? Stop

spreading your misery, man!

A firecracker, aren't ya?

What's your name, tracksuit?

Uh... Ellie?

Ellie. I'm Porter. Hi.

It's a pleasure. Please

tell me you're not with him.

-No way. Not even possible.

-You like donuts, Ellie?

I got a little buy a dozen get

one free coupon for donut diggs.

Maybe I can give you my freebie?

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