The Teahouse of the August Moon Page #2

...undermined the staff's morale instead.

How did you get into Psychological Warfare

in the first place?

- I was requested to request a transfer.

- From what?

- The Paymaster General's office.

- What was your duty there?

Well, I had charge

of the payroll-computation machine.

Well, until...

- Until what?

- Well...

You know, machines have always been

my mortal enemy, colonel.

I don't believe that they're inanimate.

They're not inanimate.

- They're full of malice and ill will.

- I asked you what happened, captain.

Yes. Yes, sir.

Well, this machine... This... You know,

the payroll-computation machine?

It made a mistake, it seems...

...of a quarter of a million dollars

in the payroll.

And unfortunately, the men were paid

before the mistake was discovered.

- What did they do to you?

- Oh, they gave me a job licking envelopes.

- And then you asked for a transfer.

- No.

I developed an allergy to glue.

How many outfits in this man's Army

have you been in, captain?

- Let's see, how many are there now, sir?

- Never mind.

I admit disappointment, but not defeat.

I thought you were given to me

in recognition of my work here.

Frankly, I expect to be made

a general soon.

And I want that star

for my wife's crown.

- Naturally, that's very hush-hush.

- Oh, yes, naturally.

Do you know something, sir?

Do you know something?

I just think that perhaps I just wasn't

cut out to be a soldier, that's all.

Captain, none of us was cut out

to be a soldier, but we do the job.

We adjust, we adapt,

we roll with a punch...

...and bring victory home in our teeth.

Do you know what I was

before the war?

A football coach?

I was the Purdy Paper Box Company

of Pottawatomie.

What did I know about foreigners?

But my job is to teach these natives

the meaning of democracy.

And they're gonna learn democracy

if I have to shoot every one of them.

- Yes, sir.

- What did you do before the war?

Oh, I was an associate professor

at Muncie.

- What'd you teach?

- The humanities.

Captain, you're finally getting a job

you're qualified by training to handle:

- Teaching these natives to act human.

- I don't think the humanities are that.

If you can teach one thing,

you can teach another.

This is plan B. Washington has drawn up

full instructions...

...pertaining to the welfare and recovery

of these native villages.

- Consider it your Bible, captain.

- Yes, sir. I'll study it very carefully.

There might be some questions

I'd like to ask.

Washington has anticipated

all your questions.

- Yes, but I was thinking...

- You don't even have to think.

This document relieves you

of that responsibility.

- How is your Japanese?

- Oh, not so very good.

- No, no. Not good, sir.

- Oh, I can see you'll need an interpreter.

Well, I... No, no... Sir...

- I've got just the man for you.

- Colonel?

- Colonel?

- Sakini!

- I could study the language, you know.

- No need, we won the war.

Sakini present, boss.

Socks up, not sleeping.

Sakini, this is Captain Fisby.

- We meet before, boss, you forget.

- Yeah, we met.

I'm assigning you to Captain Fisby.

He's gonna take charge of a village

at the top of Okinawa.

- A village called Tobiki.

- Tobiki, boss.

Very nice place, boss,

but not at top of Okinawa, at bottom.

Don't tell me where the villages

under my command are located.

- I happen to give a course in map reading.

- Very sorry, boss.

But happen to be born in Tobiki.

It's at the bottom.

Then it's time you learned

where you were born.

Oh, very sorry, boss,

but the map upside down.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Why doesn't the army learn

how to draw a map properly?

That'll be all, Sakini.

Find Sergeant Gregovich and have him

assign a jeep to Captain Fisby.

Load supplies and the captain's gear.

You'll be leaving at once.

I mention you in prayer to gods, boss.

I wait for you in jeep, captain.

I sometimes think we occupation teams

have it tougher than combat troops.

- Oh, now, I wouldn't say that, sir.

- They have it rough for a while.

But we have the killing daily grind

with no glory in it.

Yes, sir, I know what you mean, sir.

Life itself is a battlefield

with its own obscure heroes.

- I consider that poetry, captain.

- Oh, no, no, that's prose, colonel.

And it isn't mine, you know.

It's Victor Hugo.

Yes, Victor Hugo.

How I loved Tale of Two Cities.

Isn't that Dickens?

Isn't that Dickens, sir?

Well, to get back to Tobiki.

Your first job when you get there...

...will be to establish a municipal

government and to build a school.

Plan B calls for the schoolhouse

to be pentagon-shaped.

- Penta...?

- When the schoolhouse is built...

...you will organize a Ladies League

for Democratic Action.

Captain...

...this is a chance for you

to make a name for yourself.

Yes, sir, I feel that I personally...

...have delayed victory at least a year,

and I want to vindicate myself.

That's the kind of talk I like to hear.

- Thank you.

- Well, I won't detain you then.

- Yes, sir.

- My only order to you is...

...put that village on the map.

Yes, sir.

Send me a bimonthly progress report

in triplicate.

- Yes, sir.

- Don't duplicate your work.

No, sir. No, sir.

And remember that the eyes of Washington

are on our occupation teams...

...and the eyes of the world

are on Washington.

- Yes, sir. I'll keep the eyes in mind, sir.

- Goodbye, captain.

Yes, sir. Goodbye, sir.

Everything all set? We go Tobiki now?

Listen, I gotta get my gear

packed first.

All finished, boss.

I have many cousin work for Army.

- Where's our jeep?

- Right over there, boss.

- What's she doing up there?

- Oh, she nice old lady, boss.

She hear we go to Tobiki village,

so she think she go along to visit grandson.

She does? Well...

Well, you tell her I'm very sorry...

...but, you see,

this is against regulations.

Oh, she not fall off, boss.

She tied on good.

Yes. Well, you untie her, Sakini.

Just get up there and untie her

and tell her to get down.

You see, she's going to have to find

some other way to visit her grandson.

Boss, her grandson mayor

of Tobiki village.

You gonna make him lose face

you kick old grandma off jeep.

- You say she's the mayor's grandmother?

- Yes.

Well, all right. You see...

She's tied on all right, I guess, huh?

- So I guess we can take her.

- Sure.

- Now, look, is all this stuff here mine?

- No, most of the stuff belong to old lady.

She gonna stay three or four months...

...so she bring her cooking pots and bed

and a present for friend and...

Well, I don't... I don't... All right.

Look, if you see any low branches coming,

you just... You know, you yell out.

And... Get in there, Sakini.

You get in there, and give me directions

while I drive. You wanna get in?

No, no, can't go yet.

Old lady daughter not here, boss.

Wait a minute,

maybe I didn't hear you right. You say...

You don't mean the daughter

is coming with us.

Well, old lady very old, boss.

Who gonna take care of her on the trip?

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