The Thing

ANTARCTICA, WINTER 1982

Okay, I've got another one. A good one.

Okay.

A man and a woman are making love one night...when their young boy walks in.

Wait a minute. Is this the right way? Olav?

Yes?

What the hell are we looking for?

Just keep going straight. We are getting close to the source of the signal.

Okay, carry on.

The boy is horrified. He runs out of the room crying. The mother says, "Oh, my God, what should we do?" The father says, "I'll handle this." He walks out the room. Goes and opens his son's door... And there is little Sven, lying on top of Grandma. Just giving her the business. Going up and down. Up and down. Up and down. And the boy turns around and looks at his father... "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

Stop! We're close. We're right on top of it.

Nobody move. Nobody move.

Oh, my God!

I.D:
Ursus Spelaeus

Sex:
Male

Age:
Approx 10 yrs

D.O.B:
27,500 years ago

Lab:
Columbia Univ.

Kate.

Sh*t.

Sorry, Kate. These fellas said that you've been expecting them?

Oh, of... Of course. Thanks, Hank.

Thanks. Hey. You, uh... You forgot, didn't you?

No, no. I... I just... Yeah.

He just wanted to, uh... Actually, this is him. I'm good.

I'm Dr. Sander Halvorson.

Kate Lloyd.

Yes. Do you know who I am?

I do.

Adam told me a little bit about you as well. He says you specialize in vertebrate paleontology.

Primarily, yes.

And obviously you've extracted specimens from pack ice.

I've worked on several cold weather digs.

Good. Um... An old friend on mine, and colleague from Oslo, runs a geological research station in Antarctica. Forty-eight hours ago, his team found something quite remarkable.

Really? What'd they find?

We're flying down there tomorrow evening to examine the site, and I need a paleontologist.

Doctor, I'm sure you can understand that I need to know a little bit about what it is I'm being asked to dig up.

There's a structure.

A structure?

Yes.

In Antarctica?

And a specimen. That's all I can tell you.

And I guess I don't have any time to think about this?

No, I'm sorry. I need your answer right now.

Well... I'm in.

Great. Adam will get you the details of our departure. I'll see you in the car.

Yes, of course. Thank you.

Adam. What the hell is it?

You now officially know as much as I do. But I'll tell you one thing. I've worked for that guy for three years, and I have never seen him this excited.

Hey. She US?

Mmm-hmm.

Look at this guy. I mean, how is that even humanly possible?

I was hoping maybe you could help me with something. Uh, I can't seem to get ahold of a newspaper that's not, you know, three weeks old, and I'm a man in kind of desperate need of certain information.

Carter, don't do this to yourself, man.

And what information would that be?

I wanna know how the Cavaliers are doing.

Hmm. I don't follow football.

It's a basketball team. They play basketball.

Barely. They're the Cavaliers, man.

Sorry I couldn't help you.

Nah, that's all right. Hey, listen. So you guys know, whatever y'all are doing, you might wanna wrap it up in a couple of days.

Yeah? Why's that?

There's a storm moving in. A nasty one.

Good morning, Griggs. Yeah. He's right. And the last place you wanna be is cooped up with a dozen Norwegian guys. Trust me.

Base in sight at my one o'clock. This is H-3 Sea King inbound for Thule. Do you copy?

Hello, H-3 Sea King. Please approach from the west. That path is clear.

Hey!

Bravo, coming back.

Good to go, Griggs.

Dr. Halvorson?

Yes.

Welcome to Thule.

Thank you.

Edvard asked you to go to the site right now. Lars is gonna drive you.

Hi.

Hi. Welcome. Please go in the Spryte.

Thanks.

Hello, sir.

Watch your step.

Edvard.

You made it!

Of course I did. Yes. This is Kate Lloyd. Columbia paleontology.

Welcome.

This is Adam Finch, my research assistant.

Welcome.

Hi.

This is Edvard, my good friend.

This is some of my team. This is Karl and Juliette. Both geologists.

Hi.

Welcome.

Okay. Let me show you why you flew 10,000 miles.

Holy sh*t.

We estimate it's been here approximately 100,000 years. We picked up a signal transmitting. Some kind of distress call perhaps.

Incredible.

We think the signal got triggered when the survivor exited the craft.

Survivor?

My God. How long will it take to get out? Do you know, Kate?

Assuming you have the right equipment, I'd say...maybe half a day.

Good.

Uh, the ice... I should ask you. How fragile is it?

It's not in the fracture zone, so there's very little risk of fissuring.

Okay.

And the ice is quite dense, so we think we can get it out in one piece.

Good.

A rough estimate, it's about 6-by-12 feet, three and a half feet high. Probably someplace around three and a half—

That's good. Make sure that everyone stays off the radio. We don't want any information out.

And the crane. Do we have something that's appropriate for this?

Yeah, it's already there. It's all set up. I'm Peder, by the way.

Peder.

Nice to meet you.

So you've got it all taken care of. I don't think you really need me. And what about him? Is he completely disinterested, or...

Oh, that's Lars. He doesn't understand English, but he'll work like a bear.

And as you can see from the scans, the ship carved a 200-meter tunnel into the ice.

Wow. So let me get this right. You crash into a glacier.

Hmm.

...and then, without enough information, you leave the cozy confines of your ship?

Well, maybe it was hurt and, uh, wanted to find someplace warm.

Well, I guess it didn't find it.

The first night is hard.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to keep you up.

No, no. It's fine.

We'll never look at them the same again.

...ninety-three pounds...

About 1,190.

What do you need for a transport weight?

Well, to cut it down to a portable weight, we'll have to take it from here to here.

Mmm-hmm.

Start with four inches or so.

I never believed in this sh*t.

I always did.

We all set?

Nearly there.

Good. Good. But before we do, I'm going to take a tissue sample.

Do you really think that's a good idea?

Yes, I do.

I mean, the conditions are so unpredictable, and we don't have the proper equipment. Sterilization is an issue...

Edvard, what do you have in the way of a small-diameter drill?

Up to 30 millimeters.

Very good. I think somewhere around here.

Kate. Just a second. In the future, don't contradict me in front of those people again.

I just thought I'd—

You're not here to think. You're here to get this thing safely out of the ice. I hope we understand each other.

Okay.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Hey. What's going on, girl?

Here you are.

So, have you ever tasted this before?

No, I haven't.

It tastes very bad.

Gentlemen, ladies. After a short but thorough investigation of our...visitor, I can say unequivocally that I have never seen anything on any cellular level...like what we have in that other room. And the impact of this find will be felt for thousands of years. From this point on, the world as we know it has forever been altered. You, my friends, will all be immortalized as the people who made this discovery.

We found a f***ing alien! Cheers!

Cheers!

Thank you.

Think they're gonna pay a bonus for bringing home an alien instead of core samples?

You got anything better than this cough syrup?

Hey, Griggsey.

Yeah?

You wanna go out and get the captain's stash?

Sure. No problem. I'm on it.

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