The Trip to Italy Page #10

and Gina Lollobrigida.

Wow.

Gosh.

Incredible.

- And now Rob Brydon

and Steve Coogan.

- Yeah, right.

Yeah, sure.

- Well, thank you very much.

- Thank you to you.

Enjoy your evening.

Thank you. Bye.

Whoa, God.

Wow.

It'd be great to go back in time

to the 1950s.

- On, God.

- 195a-

Go back in time

and just come up here

with Gina Lollobrigida

and just snog her.

This is as good as it gets.

Ahh.

it's a lovely little, uh...

- Ooh.

Nice?

You know what that is?

- Very nice.

- You know what it is?

- Sweet.

it's a kumquat.

Come, come, Mr. Bond.

You derive just as much pleasure

from saying...

"Kumquat" as I do.

- Come, Quat,

it's time for us to go.

Quat!

Quat, come!

- Quat, come.

Come, Quat.

- One of the most erotic

experiences in my life

was seeing a quat come

right in front of my eyes.

- Oh, please.

For God's sakes.

- God, you've not lived

till you've seen a quat come

right in front of you

in a bar in Vietnam.

- Mmm.

My God!

When that quat came-

ahh.

Grazia.

Bogart, when he made

Beat the Devil-

you won't know this-

had an accident

during the filming.

Did you know this?

This is news to me.

Why the hell didn't you tell me?

I came as quick as I could.

Humphrey Bogart's

had an accident.

No, he had a car crash,

and he knocked some teeth out.

So when he was talking...

- Of all the bars

in all the towns...

In all the world...

- Of all the bars

in all the towns,

you had to come into mine.

Kinda relaxed kinda guy.

- Just relaxed.

You believe he's living it.

He's saying the words.

You don't believe he's acting.

- I imagine his arms

are always at his side.

"On, hey. "

He acts as though

he knows something

nobody else knows, yeah?

- Yeah.

Oh, yes.

- You know that?

- Yeah. No. Yeah.

- That's what I do.

No, sorry. I do the opposite.

I act like everybody else

knows something I don't know.

Right-.

- Mm.

That's me.

Now, Humphrey Bogart.

Keep talking.

- Yeah.

He couldn't talk.

Nowadays,

you get an Oscar for that.

Absolutely, yeah.

Okay, but in those days, no.

So what do they do?

Okay, I'll tell you.

I'll tell you.

They had to dub him.

Who dubbed him?

Steve Coogan-two points-

who dubbed Humphrey Bogart

in Beat the Devil?

George Raft.

I:

Peter Sellers.

- Imagine Truman Capote

sitting here, can't you?

Can you do him?

- I could have a stab

at Philip Seymour Hoffman

or Toby Jones doing it,

but I couldn't really, you know.

I couldn't really-

no, not really.

I think you either do it well

or don't bother.

- Better not to try, then.

- Yeah, exactly.

Gore Vidal said

about Truman Capote

that he turned lying

into an art form...

a minor art form.

Yes, I also said of Truman

that dying, for him,

was a great career move.

Oh.

- But did he purse his lips

at the end and go like that?

"Ohh. "

- Well, the thing

with Gore Vidal-

Gore spoke as though he had

worked out the secret of life,

and he also said,

"It is not enough

for me to succeed.

My friends must fail. "

Mm.

You know, Byron was a bit like

Gore Vidal because-

How so?

- Because they were both

in exile in Italy.

True.

- Self-imposed exile,

cultural exile,

because they-because their-

the way they thought and lived

was totally at odds

with the zeitgeist

of their respective countries.

You know what he said?

When Byron came to Italy,

you know what he said?

He said, "I will not give way

to all the cant of Christendom. "

He said, "I have been cloyed

with applause"

and sickened with abuse. "

. Well.

One of those must ring bells

with present company.

I refer to the abuse.

- Yeah, I know, but I've been

cloyed with applause.

So have I.

Yeah, well, I've been-

I've been cloyed

more than I've been abused.

And so have I.

- Well, yeah.

Well, there you go.

- All right,

so we're both happy.

- Mind you, if you got to be

exiled anywhere,

I could be exiled here.

I could see out my days here

quite happily.

- Yeah, well,

you'd be able to finally,

you know, come out,

wouldn't you?

What a relief that would be.

- Oh, it'd be such a weight

off your shoulders.

- Yeah, yeah,

finally say to people...

"Happily living with Steve

in our villa

overlooking the coast. "

Finally, we can be ourselves.

Can you wiggle both eyebrows?

- Oh, of course I can.

Elementary.

Go on.

- Yeah, you looked at me

like I couldn't do it.

You looked me-

'cause I can do the same.

That's no great achievement-.

You either can or you can't.

- Can you wiggle your ears

independently?

- Let's see what you can do

first,

and then I'll answer.

Tonight on The South Bank Show,

Steve Coogan

and his new art installation

"Ears on the Move. "

We ask him why and how.

Hello?

- Buona sera.

How are you?

- Hi.

How's it going?

It's good.

We are in

such a beautiful place.

We're-

- Lucky you.

It's horrible here.

- Is it?

Oh, sorry.

- I've just got so much work

to do.

It's chaos.

Okay, well,

let me lift your spirits

with a little news bulletin,

courtesy of our friend Dustin.

I have some terrific news

to tell you.

And the news is-

- Rob, sorry.

I'm just in the middle

of something.

Can Dustin wait?

I'll see you on Monday, okay?

Little bit of news?

- Hey.

I've been trying to Skype you.

- Have you?

Sorry,

- Yeah.

What-what's going on?

What are you up to?

- Not much.

Nothing, real! y.

There's nothing to do.

- Well, you must be doing

something.

- All right, love.

Bye-bye.

' BYE-bye.

' BVHWe.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Well, that's a disappointment.

That really is.

I was looking forward

to telling you my news.

That's terrific news.

Wait till you hear this.

I'm gonna be in a movie.

That's right.

I'm gonna be

in an actual American movie.

I'm going to L.A.

I'm going to Hollywood.

I'll be out there.

You'll be in London with Chloe.

Right.

Yeah.

Let me talk to Mum, all right?

Yeah.

I'll give her a call now,

and then

I'll call you straight back.

Okay, great.

- All right,

we'll figure something out.

All right, love you.

Love you too.

Okay. Bye-

I got some other news too.

I had a pretty exciting

random sexual encounter

with a pirate.

Yes, I did, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Turns out I'm-

I'm quite something.

Mm.

Yeah.

Eh.

Baciamo la mani, Don Ciccio.

Mi benedica.

Benedetto.

Come ti chiami?

Mi chiamo Vito Corieone.

Ah.

E tuo padre-come si chiama?

Si chiama Antonio Andolini.

Piu forte.

Non ti sento bane.

Awicinati.

- Mio padre si chiama

Antonio Blydon.

E questo per ta.

Ugh!

E questo. E questo.

E questo.

E questo per ta.

E questo per ta.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Sorry. Did I wake you up?

- No, no.

- Joe, uh,

has said he wants to come out

and, you know, hang out with us.

Excellent.

- It means

that Emma's got to fly

to pick him up in Ibiza,

and I've got to meet them both

in Naples.

- Right.

- Is that okay?

Yeah, absolutely.

- 'Cause it means

missing Sicily.

- it's your boy.

That's more important.

- Okay, thank you.

Great.

- Good?

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