The True Memoirs of an International Assassin Page #3

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Name's Samuel Larson.

He published a book claiming to be,

get this...

an international assassin.

We should probably pull him out,

put him on a plane home.

Why the hell would we do that?

Because we're the CIA.

- You almost got me. You almost got me.

- You know I like messing with you, man.

I didn't know where you were going

with that.

Bet you a Benji he's dead in less than 48.

Double he doesn't make it to breakfast.

Yeah.

Come on.

From here you do your reconnaissance.

So, I guess I should get started. Uh...

So, I will see you

in probably a few hours, I guess.

Where you go, I follow.

Look. We seem to have gotten off

on the wrong foot.

No, I'm on the right foot.

The foot of you are not the Ghost.

What makes you so sure?

The Ghost would never have been kidnapped

so easily.

That's a fair point. But you know,

maybe I wanted to be kidnapped.

Or maybe you're a fraud. And a liar.

And maybe I kill you right now.

So, what is the Ghost gonna do?

That's a good question.

So?

What is the Ghost gonna do?

He's gonna pee. I got to pee.

- Around the corner, to the right.

- Gotcha.

Gero?

Open up.

Open up.

Gero, open the door.

Polica!

Polica!

Damn.

- They're gonna kill the president.

- Who is?

Pro-Dem guerrillas. El Toro.

- They tried to hire me.

- They tried to hire you?

Yeah, but not the real me.

The fake me from my book,

True Memoirs of an International Assassin.

If that is the fake you,

then why does it say "true" in the title?

- It's just to sell more books.

- So, can you show me a copy?

You got a computer?

- The computer's not working today.

- You don't have one working computer?

- You don't have one copy of your book?

- It's a virtual book.

- Ah, then it's not a real book.

- No, it's real. It's real, okay?

It's just online.

It could be the next...

Do you know Twilight?

- Oh, I know Twilight.

- It could be the next Twilight...

Can you just take me to the embassy?

This doesn't look like the embassy.

It's not the real embassy, no.

You sit here.

- Make yourself comfortable.

- I'm calling him.

S.

We...? We gonna be here long?

Okay.

You need to get me some money.

Some next-Twilight-sized money.

- Yello.

- Kylie. Hi, it's Sam.

Ghost with the most. What's the word?

- I'm in Venezuela.

- Sure you are.

I'm doing that eyebrow thing

right now, BTdubs.

I'm telling the truth.

Uh... I've been abducted. Twice.

Oh, you are so method. I love it.

Can't wait to find out

what the Ghost does.

Oh, got to go. That's me. I'm Curtis.

Nothing, I...

- I got nothing.

- No.

I need to hear about a large sum of money.

Or your face is going to be nothing

- in three, two, one...

- No. Come on, please. No, no, no.

- Let's light this candle.

- Whoa, what are you doing?

- What was that?

- I didn't... I don't know.

- Ow! That hurt. Oh, that hurt.

- This is going to hurt more.

No. No, please, no.

No!

Get a move on, cupcake.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

Rosa Bolivar. DEA.

I've been trailing those cops

for two weeks.

They're on the payroll

for a heroin-smuggling Russian

named Anton Masovich.

Who's that?

A heroin-smuggling Russian...

Did you not hear what I said?

I'm sorry. Okay, look.

Thank you for saving me.

I don't do this job for thanks.

That's a good signature line.

Why does El Toro think

you can kill the president?

It's just a misunderstanding.

I'm a writer. I create characters.

- This right here is not me.

- What's your name?

My name is Sam.

I'll tell you what,

Sam and cheese.

- I'm gonna get you out of this.

- Thank God. Thank you very much.

You're gonna do me a favor first.

Anything you need.

- Meet with Masovich.

- That's not gonna happen.

Your friends there told Masovich

that you would be at his place in 15.

If you don't show,

he's gonna know something's up.

What does he want with me?

That's what you need to find out,

honey baked.

Honey baked?

It's that one with the huge gate.

I'm not going in there.

The one with the guards?

Is that a Doberman?

They've got Dobermans walking around, no.

I'm not gonna be buried in Venezuela.

I'm not going in.

If I go in,

I will be murdered in the face.

Look at me.

- Breathe.

- I'm breathing.

Not like you're drowning.

Slow it down.

Breathe.

If Masovich wanted you dead,

he would have ordered those cops

to execute you.

He didn't. They were going off-script

when they started shaking you down

for money.

Find out Masovich's interest

in El Toro and the president,

and I'll get you home safely.

Masovich needs to believe

you are an assassin.

Oh, I'm so gonna die.

I'm so gonna die.

I'm Anton Masovich.

Come outside.

It's a beautiful day.

How about a nice cold Zima?

You like?

They are fun girls, huh?

Yeah, I can tell by all the splashing.

When this is over,

you can have whichever one you like.

What do you mean, when this is over?

Take a seat.

How are you connected to El Toro?

The truth.

El Toro wants me to kill the president.

He thinks I'm an international assassin.

- And? Are you?

- No. Not even close.

I'm sorry, Mr. Masovich.

The Zima shipment was delayed.

I've brought you Smirnoff Ice.

Don't worry about it, Paolo.

Why they only sell Zima in Japan

is beyond me.

Am I right?

You are. I mean, I just... I totally agree.

I mean, if you wanna be global,

you've gotta be accessible.

You gotta be, you know, you gotta

be able to reach out, Paolo.

I'm blessed to be kept swimming,

most of the time.

El Toro is a terrorist

who's brainwashed his followers.

He's a major concern

to my business interests in this country.

I've tried to flip his men in the past,

but they'd rather die on the sword.

What about you?

- What about me?

- Do you wanna die on the sword?

No, no, no.

I don't want to die on the sword,

or, like, on anything else.

- I don't...

- Wonderful.

Then you kill him for me.

I'm sorry, what?

Kill El Toro.

He trusts you,

- so, you can get close to him.

- Yeah, but I'm not an assassin.

So you keep saying.

But you clearly have the skills.

You disabled Detective Garcia,

and you came here.

Which suggests to me

that you are sure of yourself.

I promise, I'm not sure of myself.

When they ask paper or plastic,

I'm even like, "Whatever's easiest

for you," you know?

- No habla ingls?

- Yeah, your modesty doesn't fool me.

I'll give you a choice.

You can use your unique position for evil

by killing the president, starting a war,

and bringing this country to its knees...

or you use it for good.

For me.

- By killing El Toro.

- I just wanna go home.

- How is everything, Mr. Masovich?

- It's great.

Paolo here has known me

since I was five years old.

Isn't that right?

It has been my pleasure to serve you

and to watch you grow into a strong man.

My father hired him when we came

to this country almost 40 years ago.

Wow, that is so nice.

But he should have restocked the Zima.

I can find you in a second.

Don't let me down like Paolo.

Oh, you're not gonna believe this.

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