The Truth About Cats & Dogs

Wait, wait, wait!

(man) Oh, great.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

Don't touch that dial. It's not Texaco's Hour.

It's Dr Abby Barnes with "The Truth

About Cats & Dogs" and you're on the air.

- Hello?

- Hi.

Oh, hi. This is Charles from San Pedro.

My question is... I'm worried about

my basset hound, Clothilde.

- She doesn't wanna seem to eat.

- Well, you know what, Charles?

Basset hounds won't eat what they

can't smell. Does she have a cold?

She is coughing a little bit.

Is it like a dry wheezing type of cough...

...or is it a wetter, phlegm-based cough?

It's like the first one, the wheezy one.

- OK. Can you put her on?

- The dog? On the phone?

- Yeah.

- OK.

Clothilde, come here, baby!

- Here she is, Doctor.

- (wheezing)

Oh, baby! Yeah, she's got a cold, Charles.

You're gonna have to take her to the vet.

- Right now?

- Right away.

- Yes. Hello?

- Hello?

Yes, my name is Dan, OK? And I have a cat.

And he licked me up and down my face

and now I got this awful-lookin'rash.

- You're allergic to his saliva, Dan.

- No, I'm not.

I mean,

I never have been prior to this occasion.

But he licked your face

and now it's all gross, correct?

- Well, yeah.

- OK. How long did this tongue-bath last?

Well, it started at one...

- About three hours.

- Oh, Dan!

No, no, it doesn't seem to hurt him any.

He's a fur person, Dan. He chases imaginary

bugs up the wall. Are you gonna do that too?

- Imaginary? No.

- OK, this is a good time to talk about limits.

You can love your pets,

butjust don't... love your pets.

You know what I mean? Repeat after me.

Us, them.

Us, them.

Us, them.

Hi, babyhead!

How are you?

Wanna come read with me, huh?

Sweetest of all possible

sweet cats in the world?

Huh? Sweetie?

I think we're gonna paint this weekend. Yes.

You're going to paint, and I'll watch.

Now you can watch me read.

Well, can I have a kiss?

You didn't kiss me when I came home.

Thank you. Thank you, my lovely.

- (knock at door)

- (man) Noelle?

Down the hall!

- (knocking continues)

- Come on, baby. Open up! It's me.

Ass. What an ass.

- You're not Noelle.

- Not today, no. But try again tomorrow.

- Who knows? You might get lucky.

- Is she...?

(cat hisses)

(Noelle) Over here, Roy!

(sneezes)

- (Noelle) Sorry.

- It's OK.

Hello. My fish, he's depressed.

My vet said to bring in a blood sample, so I

tranquillised him in a 10% diazepam solution.

- But he's not moving now. Do I take him out?

- Absolutely.

You're sedating him,

not poaching him. Get him out.

We're gonna take a little break, and then

answer some more calls. Don't go away.

- Ready?

- Bring it on.

Fan mail, fan mail, fan mail...

...horse too fat.

- Oh, my God.

Bad dog, mad dog, sad dog...

...stinky cat problems.

- We're back in 30, Abby.

Thank you.

Oh, my gosh. Hey, Mario. I know her.

- No, you don't. Women like that don't exist.

- Yeah-huh. This one exists in my building.

Abby, you've got a caller on line three

who says his dog is hysterical.

- Hi, this is Dr Abby Barnes. You're on the air.

- (English accent) Brian from Venice.

- Hi, Brian. What's up?

- I've got a dog here that's a bit... out of sorts.

- Um-hm? And what's wrong with your dog?

- This is gonna sound strange.

He's wearing roller skates.

I see. And how did your dog

end up in roller skates?

He's not my dog.

I got him from the pound this morning.

I'm a photographer

and it's part of this shoot I'm doing.

- I thought you said he was a professional.

- He is. He's used to Chihuahuas and poodles.

It's the dog that's unprofessional.

Everyone, it's gonna be fine,

if we all just stay calm, OK?

- You've got to help me here.

- Alrighty. Let's help the dog first, then you.

Your dog is feeling very threatened,

so if you wanna take the skates off...

...approach him in the submissive position.

- I'm sorry?

- Get down on all fours.

You want me to help you,

you have to do what I say.

OK.

(growls)

OK.

Crawl toward him with your head down and

cocked to one side. Do not make eye contact.

Don't make eye contact. OK.

- OK, how are you doin'?

- He seems interested in me.

Now you have to make him feel comfortable.

Soothe him with your voice.

You hear how I can make my voice

sound very soothing?

- (dog barks)

- Yes.

- Good boy.

- (growls)

Now reach out your hand, with your fingers

curled under like a paw, and touch his coat.

(dog growls)

Sh*t.

Jesus!

Are all your digits intact, Brian?

- Yep.

- OK, now move forward.

Gently stroke his ears, putting pressure

at the tips. That's an acupressure point.

OK, just take it easy.

You're doin' good.

OK, careful. Go for the ears.

Go out to the tips of the ears.

Gently. OK?

- That sounds good.

- It's incredible.

Good boy.

- Thank you, but... we'll be leaving now.

- No, you don't have to leave.

These dogs are in the union now.

They're hard to work with.

- We appreciate it.

- Can you leave the child?

No, I don't think so.

Let's get these things off you.

Who put these on you?

Brian, I'd like to congratulate you

on the newest addition to your family.

What? No, I can't have a dog.

- Well, why's that?

- Well, um...

- Well, I live alone.

- Trust me. You're gonna like this a lot better.

- Maybe, but it's a big responsibility.

- Is that a bad thing?

No, not necessarily. It depends on what you

want. He's a big dog, which will take a lot of...

Eric will send you some pamphlets

on canine dental care.

...which I obviously

haven't got time to do if I want to...

- And Brian?

- Yeah?

I forgive you.

Yo, come on, man, let's roll. You've

got the shot. You got millions of shots.

No, I think this is better

than the thing with the boy.

- Are you gonna meet us later?

- Yeah, maybe.

I've got to make his dinner...

...and he shouldn't spend his

first night in a strange place alone.

Don't get too attached to this dog

and get weird on me, all right?

His mouth is all juicy,

like his gums sprung a leak or something.

It's meant to be juicy.

They dribble when they're hungry.

Hank!

So what do you think? What would a girl

find more romantic - tulips or roses?

- Well...

- Forget it. Susan will know.

Messengerjust dropped this off.

And line two's for you.

What's more romantic - tulips or roses?

Oh, that's so cute!

This is Abby.

- Hello, this is Brian.

- Yes?

We slept together.

Me and Hank. Did you get the picture?

Yeah, I'm lookin' at it right now.

- He spent the night.

- That's so great. How's it going?

Yeah, well, he snores, which was a problem.

- But we solved it.

- How'd you do that?

He slept on my face

and I couldn't hear him any more.

Good solution.

I'm glad he decided to keep you.

- So am I. I just wanted to say thank you.

- Oh, you're welcome. It was my pleasure.

And I'd really like to say it in person.

How about you meet us for a drink?

Um...

Or a walk. A walk along the canals.

Why would I meet a listener I know nothing

about who puts roller skates on his dog?

Good question, good question. Well...

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