The Truth About Cats & Dogs Page #2

I didn't want to say this upfront,

but I've got this really bad case of mange.

It's terribly itchy and I can't stop licking it.

I wondered if you could recommend

an ointment or have a look at it.

What the hell. OK,

how about the Washington entrance at five?

- Great. I'll see you there.

- OK. Me too.

Great. OK. Bye.

No, wait. What do you look like?

Why do you need to know that?

Just so I can recognise you.

Oh. What do you think I look like?

If the voice is anything to go by,

you look great.

I'm 5'10", blonde, thin...

Hard to miss.

OK. I'll see you there.

OK.

No, you won't.

(raised voices)

- (man) Get dressed, please.

- (woman) I don't want to. I look fine.

- (man) You look fat.

- Don't be like that.

- Noelle, just shut up and get back inside.

- What are you doing?

- I've already changed my dress three times.

- I know, but you look fat in that thing.

So go in and change the dress and do it now!

- Roy...

- Dumb b*tch!

- Did you call me?

- What?

I heard "dumb b*tch".

I assumed you wanted me.

- No, I'm talkin' to her.

- You're kidding. That's your name too?

No wonder I've been getting your mail.

Are we related?

- There are a lot of us dumb b*tches in LA.

- Hey, cat lady, mind your own business.

Why don't you leave before I use this bow

on you in a way you've only imagined?

Here. Imagine that.

You know what? You're notjust

a dumb b*tch. You're an ugly dumb b*tch.

Oh!

And you...

Later.

Wow. That was, um...

I don't know what that was. You all right?

Yeah.

God, I'm sorry about the violin thing.

I'll buy you another one.

- That was your boyfriend?!

- I go out with him.

- Thing is, he's also my manager.

- You pay him 10 to treat you like that?

Fifteen.

Hey, he says that's normal.

I don't know. He used to be sweet.

What are you supposed to do?

You need a boyfriend.

Otherwise it's just you and a cat.

The next thing you know...

...40 candles on your birthday cake.

- What does that mean?

- Oh, no!

No, I didn't mean you.

Forget it. This is none of my business

and I will not be interfering again.

Sorry.

I didn't mean you.

She's right over here.

Hi.

Hi.

Did you know violin bows were like cars?

- Meaning...?

- They go from your basic, low-end bows...

...something like a Geo or a Hyundai,

which I personally drive...

...all the way to your high-performance,

Porsche-like bows which play like the devil.

I, um... I got you this, uh...

Well, it's like a Toyota, which was...

all I could afford.

Thank you.

Just gimme some time

and I'll upgrade your bow.

Don't worry about it.

It wasn't your fault. This is really nice.

- Wow.

- Yeah. You wanna sit down?

- Can I?

- Sure.

- Promise not to laugh?

- Sure.

I'm taking broadcasting lessons myself.

That's great.

Newscasters. You know, they're so...

dignified. They always know everything.

Yeah, it's the news.

They get the information beforehand.

No kidding. That's why it's so cool.

You find out before everyone.

Usually I'm the last to know.

Hey, how about you play hooky

and we go score ourselves a cappuccino?

All right, that sounds pretty good.

These are leakin' on me.

I'll get a vase. I'll be right back.

Testing.

Good evening, Riverside.

This is the news at five.

OK.

Hey!

- I know that dog.

- I don't think he likes me.

- Can you get him away?

- Come here!

Hey, sweetie!

Why do I know you?

Why do I know your sweet face?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Um...

You have to help me.

The guy out there. I missed a date with him.

This is his dog. I just want you to be me

when he comes in here, OK?

Sorry, um...

He ran in and the door was locked and...

Brian, right?

- Yeah. Hi. Abby.

- Yeah.

- Hi.

- Hi. Lovely to meet you.

You too. This is my friend... Mado... Donna.

- Hi.

- Hello.

Hank.

You didn't show up yesterday.

No, I'm sorry. We had this...

emergency thing, didn't we, Donna?

- Yeah, cat emergency.

- Dog... It was a situation.

- Feline panleukopenia.

- It happens, but it's OK now.

- What?

- Nothing. Sorry.

It's just you sound

completely different on the air.

Oh!

You should hear me in the shower!

- Microphones, darling. They work wonders.

- I've heard that.

- I didn't want you to think I was a weirdo.

- Oh, no.

And that's why you didn't come yesterday.

It's just that what you said to me on the radio

was so... clever and perceptive...

...and if you hadn't said what you said,

then I wouldn't have kept Hank here.

And, um...

...I just wanted to say thank you.

- That's so great.

- Yeah, that's great.

Thanks. I've taught him a trick.

Do you want to see it?

OK. Come on, Hank. Up you come.

Yes! Good boy.

Gimme a kiss. Gimme a kiss, come on.

Come on.

Yeah, I'm gonna do something

about his breath.

Anyhow, I don't suppose

you want the drink now?

- Guess again.

- Great.

How about tonight?

Um...

There's a bar on the corner of Main and Pier.

Meet me there, seven o'clock?

Wild horses couldn't stop me.

See you there.

Come on, Hank.

You like him. Don't pretend you don't.

I don't!

Did you hear what he said to you?

I wish a guy would say it to me.

- He did say it to you.

- No, he really said it to you.

You've confused everything

cos you're a scaredy-cat.

I may be trepidatious. I'm not a big, dumb

dog that bounds after the first guy she sees.

- I'm not dumb!

- I didn't mean that.

- Besides, you're the dummy.

- I am?

Yeah.

Nice guy like that, with that accent, arty,

and you won't even have a drink with him?

He has a preconceived notion: You.

Then he sees me. Over.

I love the way you look.

You've got a pretty face. You're a celebrity.

I don't expect you to understand this.

You burp and guys think it's adorable. You

puke and they line up to hold your hair back.

I can tell you for a fact that's not true.

(rings bell)

(driver) Nice trick, moron!

- What?

- "What?" Oh, my God!

Really? Three years, no sex?

One can survive, you know.

This is the electronic age.

- Cats have more sex than that, don't they?

- Not mine.

- Are you gonna eat that?

- I don't eat.

- You don't eat? You ordered it.

- I love to order, I love menus...

...but I gotta keep the calories down.

- God, how can you live like that?

- I know.

- Do you believe you are what you eat?

- I guess.

See, that's what scares me. I don't eat

anything so I can look good on the outside.

But on the inside there's nothing.

Oh, I see.

Whereas you, on the other hand...

you're very rich.

- Thank you.

- (buzzing)

- Do you hear a buzzing? Bzzz?

- Just a bee.

Is that a big bee... bee... bee...?

I'll get it.

Hey!

You! Stop!

It's dead.

No kidding.

- I killed it.

- You certainly did.

- You're gonna be all right now, so...

- She's fine. We're fine.

Everybody's fine, right? Great. Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

What's wrong?

Nothing that a rooftop

and an AK-47 won't take care of.

- You OK?

- Mm-hm.

Good. It'll be fun. It'll be easy. No problem.

- Hey!

- Don't want to see him.

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