The Truth About Cats & Dogs Page #3

Come on!

- It's gonna be fine.

- It's not gonna be fine.

- What is this? Is this cat hair?

- I'm shedding. I'm extremely nervous.

OK, just... head up, be proud.

- Feeling good?

- Yes, sir. This makes all the difference(!)

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Remember?

- Hi.

- Donna.

- Right.

- I'm gonna go and... freshen up.

- OK.

Oh, and Donna's got this...

Ioopy story to tell you.

Actually, it's funny.

Maybe you can help her with the punch line?

OK.

I'll have a J&B and a Corona.

Can I have a J&B and a Corona, please?

Thanks.

Of course. Of course I would do that.

So... what's the funny story?

Oh, I don't know if it's funny,

so much as... interesting.

Men and women and how they interact,

and we have societal pressures and...

...even the media feeds into it

and we have our own insecurities.

Me especially.

You have a...

- Got it.

- Thanks.

- So you're wondering why I'm here?

- No. I mean, y... No, not at all.

- I mean, I think I know why you're here.

- You do?

And it's fine.

That's great, cos I was...

I think it's really nice that

you come along to screen me for Abby.

- Abby. Right.

- There's a lot of very odd people around...

...particularly the types who phone into radio

shows and ask the presenters out for a drink.

It's not something I normally do, but...

- I really... I really like this woman.

- You've just met her.

I know, but you know when you speak

to someone, and then you meet them?

And there's really no choice.

Nothing you can do about it. You just feel it.

So what do you do, Donna?

Do you work at the radio station?

I make cheese.

Cheese? Really? I've never met

a cheesemaker before. What sort?

- Goat cheese.

- The stuff that smells of vomit.

- No, that's Parmesan.

- Of course.

Mine's more of a fromage, really.

And it comes from the south of France,

the Pyrenees...

...where I have acquired a number of goats

through a freakish inheritance.

Occasionally I take trips out there

and sometimes Abby accompanies me...

...to check on the general health

and wellbeing of my goats.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Everything out in the open?

Oh, you mean about...?

Yeah, sure. Totally understandable.

You see? She thought you'd be

all bent out of shape about it.

No, friends should look out for each other...

...although flying across the Atlantic

to check up on her goats is...

When you come with me to check on the

goats for the goat cheese I make for a living?

Her cheese balls make

excellent Christmas gifts.

- Here we are.

- Great.

I was mesmerised by his eyebrows.

They say so much about a person.

Did they say "goat cheese" on them?

Why didn't you tell him?

I was staring at him. He was so uninterested

in staring back. I don't want disappointment.

- Disappointment doesn't kill.

- Rejection kills, disappointment only maims.

OK, here we are.

Just go through.

- This is it. Chateau Brian.

- (Abby) Nice.

Hi, baby!

The dog really likes Donna.

I can't seem to get ahold of him.

He's justjealous.

Dogs, they can sense... you know.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Oh. These yours?

Yeah. Don't look at those.

They just pay the rent.

There's not a lot of art in a catalogue shoot,

unless roller-skating dogs qualify.

Dada meets Fido.

That was funny.

- Roller-skatin' dogs? I'd like to see that.

- Hey, look at these.

- These are beautiful.

- Yeah. But they don't pay the rent.

Hm.

(Brian) What do you think?

Ask Donna.

She knows more about this... arty kinda stuff.

Brian, this is a beautiful shot.

- This one? Really?

- Yeah.

- I love those textures, right there.

- Yeah? That's one of my favourites.

Yo! Can we come in?

Of course you can. Ed, this is Abby.

- How are you doin'?

- Hi. Abby.

- And Donna.

- How are ya?

Yeah, all right.

Uh... this is my niece, Emily.

- (coughs)

- What? Oh, yeah, you can ask her yourself.

- Is it OK?

- I forgot to ask.

Hi. What is it, sweetie?

Agh!

- I'm sorry.

- No, it's fine.

When they heard there would be a real vet in

the house, I assumed they could come over.

- That's a really beautiful tortoise.

- He's got pneumonia.

We took him to the vet and he gave us

this hypodermic full of antibiotics.

He needs a shot under his arm,

but we can't get him out of his shell.

So we were thinkin' that

you could help us out.

Sure you can. You can do that.

Of course. Um...

Let me just go wash my hands.

Donna?

She is all that and a bag of chips.

- Uh, who's the other one?

- She makes cheese.

- I hate needles. I hate turtles.

- Sh!

Let's tell him now. He was into you

when you were talking about his photos.

He's tolerating my presence

till he can be alone with you.

All you have to do is grab the turtle's leg,

hold it steady and give the shot.

- How do I get ahold of his leg?

- Very simple.

You're gonna poke him

in the butt with your finger.

You want me to stick my finger

up a turtle's ass?

What's this? Your palms are sweating.

- Malls make me nauseous.

- I did the turtle for you.

Yes, you did, and you did a brilliantjob.

- Combined, we make the perfect woman.

- No, we make the perfect political prisoner.

What we really do well is

act self-righteous and starve.

- Hello.

- Hi.

OK.

We need the spring-bride blush...

...and the Absentia pore minimiser.

I'd like a pore maximiser if you have one.

Sometimes you just wanna put

loose change somewhere, or keys.

There's this TV station, Riverside.

They're looking for a weekend anchor.

They've asked me to audition next week.

That's so cool! That's great.

Would you listen to my audition piece?

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Wait. OK. Just... cool.

and another 200 were injured...

...when a passenger ferry caught fire

last night off the coast of Scotland.

Stymied by a dense fog, rescuers could only

hear the desperate screams of the victims...

...as their four-mile journey

turned into a tragic and watery end.

That was good. That was really good.

But you might wanna make

the carnage a little less upbeat.

Oh, I know. I just get tense and I...

You're right.

No, it was great.

And you might wanna breathe more.

This is nice, but it's a little bit smelly.

We also have this new face cream which

neutralises free radicals that attack the skin.

Let me ask you... what's your skin regime?

My regime?

From which the radicals are tryin' to get free?

Are we selling face cream or staging a coup?

Let me show you something.

Do you see how dry and discoloured you are?

Do you see the irreversible sun damage?

You haven't been taking care of your skin,

and it's only going to get worse.

God, I can't believe it!

I can't believe I let her do this to me.

I know exactly what she was doing.

Do you have a tissue?

I think she might have put one in the bag,

with your gift-with-purchase.

God! Men don't go around buying all this

expensive crap so women will want them.

If I was a guy,

women would be lining up to go out with me.

I'm smart, I have a good sense of humour,

I make a great living.

- I'd f*** ya.

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