The Truth About Cats & Dogs Page #4

- Thank you, honey. I know you would.

I'm just confused. One minute she's one

thing, and the next she's something else.

Yeah, but women are like that, though.

There's something off-balance about her.

On the radio, she's confident and articulate.

Then you get her in person,

and she's just... I don't know, she's scatty.

- Oh, she's scatty?

- Yeah.

Anybody that fine,

it doesn't make any difference.

- Yes, it does.

- I'm tellin' ya, it doesn't.

You know what your problem is, right?

You're lettin' your brain

do too much of your thinkin'.

- I've got something for you.

- "Loser guys and how to spot them."

No. "Low self-esteem: Are you a victim?"

- No.

- Wait. Question one...

"Do you feel you need to be

punished for how you look?"

I don't need to be punished. I am punished.

That's why you can't tell Brian.

It's low self-esteem.

I don't even care about Brian. That is history.

- It's more of a current affair.

- What does that mean?

Last night, before we were leaving,

I told him to call me.

To call me? You gave him my number?

Why would you do that?

Why did you do that?

You like him. You like him.

- I have a boyfriend.

- Oh, right.

Who'd want Brian when you could have Roy?

He likes you. You know,

the way you talk, the things you say.

- You're the voice. I'm just the body.

- And what a body it is!

(rings)

Hello?

Hello, this is Brian.

Could I speak to Abby, please?

This is... she.

- What are you up to?

- Nothin'. Just hangin'.

Well, I was thinking maybe I could

come round and take you out for dinner?

How does that sound to you?

Uh... that's not possible.

Right. Go for a walk?

Sorry. Can't do that, either.

Well, how about we just talk?

Talk. OK.

Fine. Let's talk. Could you talk to me in that

radio voice of yours? Could you do that?

- Yeah. Yeah, that I can do.

- Great.

You know what kills me about him? He just

lays there and lets me rub his stomach.

He's totally trusting,

knows I'm not gonna hurt him.

Loves me unconditionally.

That kills me. People are never that cool.

No, they hardly ever

let you pet their stomachs.

Mm-mm. And I really like smelling

his cat breath when he yawns.

- You think that's weird?

- No, not at all. I've done the same thing.

- Probably. Once.

- Your voice is muffled. What are you doing?

I just took my shirt off.

- Really?

- Really.

- Is that portentous or merely noteworthy?

- It's rank, actually.

I went for a run earlier

and I have this remarkably manly...

...animal-like, pungent stench.

Look, I know we're not eating or walking...

...but what would you say to having a bath?

- I was shy too.

- You're kidding.

You don't strike me as the shy type.

No, I was, really.

Painfully and desperately shy.

I suppose that's why

I ended up taking pictures...

... as sort of a detachment thing,

you know what I mean?

Ah, yes.

- (barks)

- He knows you're talkin' to me.

He's probably jealous.

I doubt it.

Salt, pepper, granulated garlic,

mayonnaise, of course.

Of course. Now for the important question.

Do you have a position on pickles?

It's more of a deeply held belief.

Oh, really? A pickle conviction? Go ahead.

When it comes to tuna fish,

I am emphatically anti-pickle.

Do you know, I knew I could trust you.

"My mother leant herself to the photograph.

Fearing refusal would turn to attitude...

...she triumphed over this ordeal of placing

herself in front of the lens, with discretion."

Now you.

So, you are...?

Yes. Are you?

Yeah.

Say something.

I want to make love to you.

Sorry. Never on the first phone call.

Don't. Don't do that.

If you do that, we'll chicken out...

...and we won't do

what I think we're about to do.

OK, just let me do one thing.

(screams)

OK, hi.

Hi.

OK. So where's your hand?

It's nowhere.

Where's yours?

Nowhere.

(Abby moans)

(Brian moans)

Wow.

Hello?

Abby?

Abby?

Abby? Hello?

Sorry. I dropped the phone.

I was afraid you'd met somebody else.

Just give me a second to collect myself.

I've never done that before.

Me neither.

It's almost time for breakfast.

- Yeah.

- I wish you were here.

- I wish you were here too.

- OK.

- (hangs up)

- Brian?

Brian.

Brian!

(screams) Brian, no!

("Bad Idea" by Ben Folds Five)

Pull over the car, pull over the car

I think I see a five-fister

Pull over the car, pull over the car

My dad wants to break up with your sister

I don't wanna, I don't wanna,

I don't wanna, I don't wanna

I don't wanna, I don't wanna,

I don't wanna, I don't wanna

Abby...

- Abby!

- Over here.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Look, I brought some... some breakfast.

- Can I come up?

- No.

Why not?

Because first it will be awkward,

and then strange, and then weird...

...and then... awful.

- What?

- Tonight has been so perfect.

Let's wait for another night to screw it up.

- Can I at least see your face before I go?

- No.

I have a pore-minimising mask on.

Well, then... throw something to me,

something you've been wearing. Then I'll go.

Wow. It's a Ked.

- (woman) Will you shut up?

- What's your problem?

- It's four in the morning.

- You'd better go.

OK.

Good night, sweet Abby.

Pleasant dreams.

and another 200 were injured...

...when a passenger ferry

caught fire last nightjust off...

(Roy) Sleeping here, Noelle.

Can't you see I'm sleeping?

Sorry, Roy. Sorry.

...just off the coast of Scotland.

Stymied by dense fog, rescue workers

could only hear the desperate screams...

I said shut up, Noelle!

Jesus!

- Hi.

- Hi.

I had the most amazing conversation with

Brian last night. We spoke for seven hours.

- I'm tellin' him today.

- Seven hours!

- What's wrong?

- Nothing.

What? Tell me.

It turns out Roy is a loser.

Tell me something I don't know.

Oh, I was kidding. I'm sorry.

Oh, no. Don't cry.

It's OK.

You are no longer allowed

to read this destructive literature.

Don't read that.

Oh, no. Please don't cry.

You're OK.

- How are you gonna tell him?

- God, I don't know.

I was thinkin' all last night. I wish there was

a way I could do it without actually doing it.

- Is your show on today?

- Yeah.

I'll go to his house and I'll turn on the radio.

And?

Ever noticed how Superman and Clark Kent

are never in the same room at the same time?

Hi.

Hi.

Can I come in?

Yeah, of course. Come in.

- Oh!

- Sorry.

- So... you came over.

- Yep.

- Last night was...

- Yeah, it was, I know.

So...

Buttons?

- What?

- Sew buttons?

- What?

- It's something my grandmother used to say.

- Really?

- Yeah.

So... buttons...

could I get you something to eat?

- Tuna sandwich or something?

- I don't eat tuna.

- Yes, you do. You ate it last night.

- I did? I did.

In the car, on the way over, I quit.

- Dolphins.

- Dolphins. Right.

Well, there's plenty of

dolphin-friendly food in the kitchen.

- Good.

- I'll be right back.

- OK. Can I turn some music on?

- Uh-huh.

- OK.

- OK. Bye.

(radio) Afternoon becomes eccentric.

KRWW. Talk radio and more.

(radio plays "Caramel" by Suzanne Vega)

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