The Ugly Dachshund

[Fanfare plays]

[Up-tempo music plays]

[Rooster crows]

7-8-9, uh... 7-8-9...

Fran, I'm calling the doctor.

Everything all right?

FRAN:
Yes, dear,

but we'd better hurry.

Yeah, all right, honey,

just remain calm.

DR. PRUITT:
Hello?

- Hello? Yeah, Doc...

- Hello? Who's calling?

Hang on just one second.

DR. PRUITT:

Hello? Hello? Who is this?

Doc, it's Mark Garrison.

- I hate to wake you up but...

- Is she feeling any pain?

Yeah, it's starting. She thinks

it'll be pretty soon now.

DR. PRUITT:
I think

you'd better get over here.

We're on our way, Doc.

Thanks.

DR. PRUITT:
Bye, Mark.

Hey, honey,

I got Doc Pruitt.

I'm gonna bring the car

around front.

FRAN:
All right, dear.

Morning, Mr. Garrison.

You're up pretty...

[Engine revs, tires squeal]

...early.

[Tires squeal]

Take it easy, now...

steady.

I'll get the door for you,

Mr. Garrison.

No, I got it.

So this is the morning,

huh, Mrs. Garrison?

Don't worry about a thing,

Mrs. Garrison.

Just let me know when

you want to hike your order.

[Tires squealing]

You're not worried,

are you, honey?

No, but I wish

we were there.

Yeah...

[Engine revs]

Only a couple minutes

more now, honey.

[Siren wails]

Oh, boy.

That's just great.

Mark, we can't stop now.

Yeah...

The hospital!

[Siren wails]

Well, now,

that's what I call service.

[Tires squeal]

Okay, on the ball!

We got a special delivery.

All right, let's get going!

Come on, go get a stretcher.

Well, how do you like that?

[Engine revs]

Be careful, sweetheart.

All right, what's the big i...

Oh, Officer,

I can't thank you enough.

We never would have made it

in time without you.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Officer.

Oh, Dr. Pruitt!

Now, now, everything's

going to be all right.

Don't worry. I'll take her.

[Door closes]

- A dog?

- [Whistles]

Well, yeah. Yeah.

I thought you knew, Officer.

You see, this is the first time

my wife's had pups.

I mean, the dog has had pups,

and I... she gets...

[Both laugh]

- Well, how do you like that?

- Yeah, yeah.

[Laughter continues]

Boy, wait till the boys hear

about this one.

[Laughing]

A dog. [Laughs]

I certainly appreciate

everything you've done, Officer.

My wife was pretty nervous.

You know how women get

at a time like this.

Yeah, don't they always?

Yeah. Couldn't see it myself...

coming to the hospital and all.

Way I remember it,

dogs were, uh...

they had their puppies

at home in a...

in a basket or a closet.

Yeah, mine had hers

in a bureau drawer...

right in my shirts.

- Is that a fact? [Chuckles]

- Yeah.

How about that?

Thanks for your trouble,

Officer.

No trouble at all.

Now, just a minute here, now.

Let's see what we got here.

We got 60 in a 35...

- Now, wait a minute, I don't...

...crossing a center line...

- I followed it around, honest.

...running a boulevard stop...

I did stop! I did, I did!

No, sir, you only slowed down.

We got doing 50 miles an hour

in a hospital zone.

Well, I'm sure I wasn't doing

any more than, uh, 40.

- 40?

- Yeah.

Okay.

40 miles per hour

in a 25-mile zone.

Do you have

a driver's license, sir?

- Oh...

- [Laughs]

- Left it home.

- Yeah.

It's understandable

in an emergency like this.

By golly, a fellow

gets up in the morning,

puts the first clothes on he can

find, never checks his pockets.

- [Laughs] Happens every time.

- Mm-hmm.

No operator's license.

This your car, sir?

Well, of course it's my car.

What's your name, sir?

Mark Garrison.

Your address?

336 North Bowling Green Drive.

- Your business address?

- The same.

I work at home.

I'm an artist.

Engine number?

Engine number?!

Now, why in the world

would I know the engine number?

Okay, it's your car.

I'll take your word for it.

- [Chuckles]

- [Sarcastically] Thanks.

Sign here, please.

[Laughs]

You forget something, maybe?

"No... parking."

I'd move the car,

Mr. Garrison. [Laughs]

FRAN:
Oh, wonderful, Doctor!

Mark! Mark, we made it

just in time!

Danke had a puppy.

Oh, that's great, honey.

That's just great.

[Motorcycle engine

turns over]

FRAN:
Bye!

Oh, wasn't he sweet?

You know, Mark,

policemen must have

a benevolent fund or something.

Couldn't we give a donation?

I'm giving, honey.

Believe me, I'm giving.

Mrs. Garrison? Two more...

I think that'll be all.

Mark, three puppies...

I can't wait to see them!

I'll be in as soon

as I move the car.

- When can we take them home?

- Tomorrow.

That'll give the pups a chance

to get a good start.

All right.

- Hey, Doc?

- Hmm?

Those three puppies...

all females, right?

Yeah, right.

My luck's holding.

[Car door closes]

[Engine turns over]

Gertrude.

Gertrude Van Dankelein.

[Clicks tongue] Ugh.

Martha Van Dankelein...

You call me, honey?

Oh, no, I'm just trying to think

of names for the puppies.

What's the hurry?

They have to be registered

so they can get their papers.

You can't begin

to get them in shows

until you get their papers.

And you laughed

when Jim Carstairs

enrolled his son at Yale

the day after he was born.

Winifred Van Dankelein...

Erma...

- [Yawns]

- Matilde.

[Sighs] It's been

a long day, honey.

I mean, a very long day.

Hildagarde, Dagmar,

Ermentrude.

Good night, love.

Huh? Oh, good night, honey.

[Sighs]

Mark... what do you think

of these...

Freda, Esmerelda, Ludmila?

Fran...

Daphne, Dora, Diana?

Frances...

Yes, dear.

Isolda, Alberta, Brunhilda?

Heidi? Clotilde? Wilhelmina?

Don't question it, Doc.

I want to get

some sleep tonight.

Huh? Get... oh, yeah,

I get it. [Laughs]

Are the pups ready?

Yeah, I'll get them for you

in a minute.

There's one thing

I've got to do first.

- All right, no hurry.

- [Laughing]

Clotilde... oh, my, my.

[Barking, yipping]

Quiet, quiet.

Yeah...

Okay, girl.

Great Dane, huh?

Uh-huh.

[Muffled grunting]

Easy now, easy now, fella.

Easy now.

Easy now, little fella.

Easy now. I got you.

I've got you.

That's my idea

of a real dog.

Ah, the greatest.

And Duchess there

is the best Dane

I've ever owned.

- She's yours, huh?

- Uh-huh, she sure is.

Just between

the two of us, Doc,

I'd give my back teeth

to have a dog like that.

Okay, all right, all right.

- [Yipping]

- All right, don't get excited.

I'm getting to you.

Okay, all right,

take it easy, take it easy.

Yeah. All right.

All right.

All right, come on, now.

Come on, come on.

What's the matter

with this one?

Oh, nothing yet, nothing yet.

[Chuckles]

Looks like he's not hungry.

Oh, he's hungry, all right.

He's just not taking

to the formula, that's all.

All right, come on.

Why don't you put him

back with his mother?

No, no, that wouldn't work.

Why not?

Well, it's a case of too much

litter and too little milk.

Duchess just picked him out

and pushed him away.

Pushed him away?

Her own pup?

Well, they do that sometimes.

It's funny, the tricks

nature plays, huh?

[Chuckles]

Now, you take that dachsie

of yours, Danke.

- Oh, she's got too much milk.

- Yeah.

Why, she could feed

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