The Undertaker

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1

This is what I need today.

A flat!

Oh, this is great.

Joe.

It's what you get when

you lend somebody a car.

Hello sweetheart,

having car trouble?

Uh, yes, I have a flat.

Uh, you need a man to

help you change a tire?

That would be wonderful,

but I don't have spare.

Well hop on, I'll give you

a ride to the gas station.

Well, I'm a little afraid

of this bike.

It'll be just like being

in your mother's arms.

Well, I guess I have no choice.

Just go slow.

Would you stop this goddamn

thing already please!

Please.

Where you going sweetheart?

Look, you said you were

going to take me

to a gas station, right?

You didn't take me to a gas station.

You took me for a nice

little ride, which I hated.

Now I can make my own way back.

Thank you very much.

But sweetheart, you didn't

pay me for the ride yet.

Look, I'm not gonna

pay you for anything,

YQU got that?

You asked me to go on this thing.

I didn't ask you.

And I hated it, goodbye.

Sweetheart, I don't

want money, lwant you.

- Oh yeah, yeah?

- Like hell!

May I help you?

Thank you for stopping.

That son of a b*tch.

I hope I killed him.

Do you think you could

take me into town?

I would really appreciate it.

Of course.

You have a commitment

from the governor.

Oh, Jean be sure to get

a confirmation of that

at least two weeks in advance.

He's not the most reliable

person we know, right?

If that's it, Mayor, I'd like

to get back to the station.

You know I'm working on

that Mary Lawrence case.

Oh yes, a shame.

Any progress, Chief?

Not a damn thing.

Well the meeting is adjourned.

Thank you all, goodnight.

Good night.

Good night, good night.

Oh, oh Jean.

Thank you for staying late.

I hope I haven't spoiled

your plans for the evening.

No, not tonight.

I think I'm just gonna

crawl into bed early

and maybe read a little.

Oh, I wish I could do the same.

I'm gonna be here another

two hours at least.

Oh, do you mind typing

up the minutes for me

before you go?

Can do.

Ah, thank you again Jean.

Thank you.

Okay gentlemen,

you can take her out.

Uncle Chickie, did you

catch the jugs on that one?

You are one sick bastard.

Hello.

Yeah, uh hi Doc.

No, no, no, no.

No, hm-mn, it's okay.

Yeah.

Ah, so it was a stroke?

Huh, yeah.

I agree, it is a shame, yeah.

Oh, by the way, Doc,

I got a release from the family.

So we can sent the body

over to Holland Mortuary

in the morning, okay?

Ybah, flghL.

Yeah, thanks for taking care of it.

Yeah.

Bye now.

Hi Mr. Holland,

got a delivery for you.

Sign this, please.

Nice day today, isn't it?

You wanna hurry up in there, please?

We got people dyin' to see us.

Chillies.

Morons.

He ought to be talking to you.

I know he didn't mean me.

I'm sure you know now,

I never meant to hurt you.

You're always one of my favorites.

I just want you to look so beautiful

for the mayor and everybody.

After all, a promise is a promise.

Isn't that right, Mary?

What's a bride without a bridesmaid?

I'll be right back.

Not Hazel, I wasn't good enough.

Nicolas!

Oh, my feet are killin' me.

Hazel, were you out

there a minute ago?

He's so ungrateful.

I mean he runs right by me,

just like I was nothin'.

He knocks me down.

Who are you talking about?

Nicky, of course.

He ran outta here just

before I came in.

Well, I know her.

She's the mayor's secretary.

They say it was a stroke.

It's all that damn smoking.

I'm tellin' ya.

Look, Hazel I have a lot

of work to do.

It's a shame, shame.

I have a lot of work to do Hazel.

All right, I'm goin', I'm goin'.

And some of these tribes

use this as a rite of passage

into the next world.

Um, excuse me, Miss Hayes.

Yes, David.

Yes, did they really, you know?

You mean did they ejaculate?

Yes.

They believed that by

ejaculating into the corpse,

the man could take his

seed into the next world,

in case he dies in

battle with rival tribes,

and never had the opportunity

to father children.

That's sick.

Miss Hayes?

Kris?

What if no one volunteers

for this great honor?

What if nobody dies?

Well, in that case they'd

have to have a sacrifice.

But that's murder, right?

I mean, come on, they kill somebody.

Yes, murder to us, but to

them it was a religious ritual,

and integral part of their culture.

Does it still go on?

Yes, in some of the occults

groups we read about today.

But you mean in Africa and Haiti,

voodoo and stuff like that.

It's a surprising fact

that according to statistics,

more cases of necrophilia

were reported

in the United States than

anywhere else in the world.

Well, that's all the

time we have today class.

Wait for me outside.

Miss Hayes?

Nicolas.

I'm sorry,

I didn't mean to startle you.

It's all right,

what can I do for you?

Could we talk just a little

bit more about today's subject?

Oh, gee, I'm really sorry.

I'm in a bit of a rush.

Please.

Just a couple of minutes.

I really need to talk to someone.

It's kinda personal.

Personal?

It's about this.

Necrophilia?

Yeah, I think so.

You think so?

Nick, what are you talking about?

Could you meet me tonight?

Nick I'm really flattered,

and I must admit that

was a novel approach,

but uh, I'm sorry.

Miss Hayes, I'm serious.

I think I have something

interesting to show you.

Nick, again, I'm sorry,

but I can't tonight.

All right, if you change

your mind let me know.

Where'd you wanna take me?

My Uncle's funeral home.

You know, that's not the best offer

I've had in a long time.

If I change my mind I'll let you know.

okay-

Good bye.

I thought you said you were

only gonna be a couple of minutes?

Sorry Angie, I had something

to discuss with Miss Hayes.

I'll bet.

Come on, I'll take you home.

Wait a minute.

I'm not going anywhere unless

you tell me what could be

so personal that you

could tell Miss Hayes

but you can't tell me.

Drop it Angela, all right.

I told you,

it has nothing to do with us.

It was a personal thing, all right.

Nick!

When's it gonna get

personal between you and me?

I mean, I don't even

know when the last time

we made love is.

Angela drop it, all right.

I haven't got time for this.

If you're so unhappy with

me, find someone else.

Don't be afraid.

I'll be with you soon.

So I'm just getting into necrophilia

in my anthropology course.

- Necrophilia?

- Yeah.

- What?

- Ls that mandatory?

No, it is not mandatory.

But I like to cover everything.

May I finish?

Yes, go ahead.

Thank you.

So I have this one student,

Nick Leonard.

I don't know, you know him?

Yeah, nice buns.

That's him.

He comes to me after class

and he tells me

he'd like to show me something

relative to the subject.

Guess where he wanted to take me?

Where?

To his uncle's funeral home.

Sounds pretty kinky.

Not quite my speed.

Look Pam, do yourself a favor.

Don't give these guys any weird ideas.

They're already crazy enough.

You are absolutely right.

Well, I am going to go put

myself into some sweetness.

Hello.

Miss Hayes?

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