The Vanishing of Sidney Hall

---

There was a brilliant

way about Velouria.

She had a virginal quality

that contrasted her

ice cold outer shell.

Looking back, I realize that

I was the only one to notice.

Yeah, she was a b*tch, for sure.

Her breasts, her cheekbones,

her legs.

She saw it all in the mirror

every morning

and was well aware

of the power held therein.

No one could touch her

or intimidate her.

She rarely looked

anyone in the eye.

I once saw Brad Dorsey,

captain of the soccer team,

crying by his locker.

She dumped him after one date

and took his balls with her.

From that day forward,

he never played sports again.

This was a prime example

of the witchery she cast.

But I wasn't attracted

to her pale beauty.

I was more turned on

by the little girl within.

It was this thought

that I masturbated to

every afternoon.

And not her thighs

or flat stomach.

I imagined her breaking down

and begging me

never to leave her

because I was the only one

who truly understood

the Velouria within.

And when I finished,

I looked at the small puddle

of cum I had generated

and wondered,

"Why did I just

waste this on a table top?"

Um, how old were you

when this story took place?

I was, um

6th Grade.

- Ew.

- Sidney,

I asked the class

to write an essay

on the meaning of life.

I thought this was appropriate

for that topic.

Well, it's not.

It was highly inappropriate.

Well Okay.

She's going to fail you.

I just hate her, you know.

Hey look, I don't like her

very much either

but it doesn't mean

she's a bad teacher.

- She had a book published.

- A romance novel.

But still, you're going

to have to figure out a way

to get a passing grade from her.

You better rewrite those essays.

You know what it is?

It's It's her

It's her limited definition

of 20th century writers.

What about What about

Hunter S. Thompson?

What about David Foster

Wallace, you know?

William Gibson.

You know, someone contemporary.

Sidney.

I went to a meeting earlier

today and I fought for you.

But she thinks

you've targeted her,

and lets face it, she's right.

What if I wrote a novel?

No one's questioning

your ability.

It's your subject matter

that's getting you in trouble.

You know what

they would do to me

if I printed half the stories

you've submitted

for the school paper?

Okay.

Let's say you did write a novel.

What would it be about?

It's about

a suicide victim

from a small town.

Did you think when you wrote it

that it would go on to have

this kind of success?

No, I mean

I didn't even know

I could make a living

off of it, honestly.

I I was just hoping

that one person would buy it,

one person would

want to read it.

But millions

of people have bought it.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Millions.

Yeah.

How do you follow up a book

like a suburban tragedy?

I can't think about it that way.

I just keep writing.

And when can we expect

your next book?

Soon.

Okay! You have

an 11:
00 at Sushi Dan

with Porter House.

A 1:
00

live interview with JNN,

Flight is at 5:
00 and

And?

Dr. Baum says you still

haven't contacted

the therapist you recommended

and that he will reschedule

the MRI again.

Thoughts, comments?

I'll do the MRI.

I'm not seeing a therapist.

I need a divorce attorney,

not a shrink.

How'd you feel

about the interview?

Oh, best one you've ever done.

You ready?

He didn't have a lot on him

He just had a duffle bag.

I mean, he just had basically

everything he owned.

I asked him one time,

I asked him where he was headed.

And he looked at me

And he just said, "May 25th."

That was it, it was May 25th.

He was a lunatic.

You could tell

just by looking at him.

He was ranting, raving.

Next thing you know, there's

a fire in the apartment.

What'd he look like?

I don't know, he was, uh

Early mid-thirties, white.

Kinda filthy.

- Big beard.

- Big beard. Yeah.

Sunglasses. Kinda

Yeah, he was obviously

You could tell he was like

mentally, you know, slow.

What is your name?

Bauer, David Bauer.

Mr. Bauer.

Sit down.

Is this the man

that you were referring to?

Yeah. Yep, that's him.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, I'm positive.

Mr. Bauer.

Tell me if this sounds familiar.

A man walks into a store.

He's a drifter.

Modestly dressed.

He searches the establishment

for a certain section of books,

which contain

a particular literature

that he deems unreadable.

He takes these books.

Takes out a can

of lighter fluid.

Fire.

But he's not alone

when he does this.

There's a hound dog.

An old hound dog,

about this tall.

Did you happen to see this dog?

Well, it's against

library policy

to allow pets into the building,

so, no.

I wonder what he did

with the dog.

I don't know,

maybe he left it at home

like a normal person.

If he had a home, that would

be a wonderful option.

You have to excuse me for not

having a lot of sympathy

for a guy who walks in here

and burns books

in public places.

And neither do I.

However there is something

I know that you don't.

Yeah, what's that?

I know why he burned the books.

Why?

Because he wrote them.

Good day, Mr. Bauer.

Can I help you with something?

Uh, yeah, I need to talk to you.

Uh, If you're looking for a book

on how to please your woman,

the card catalog

is just over there.

Yeah.

I liked your essay

the other day.

Oh, yeah? Why?

Cause it was honest.

All the rest were bullshit,

but yours was honest.

Right.

We wouldn't be caught dead

talking to each other

in the halls.

Yet, here we are

for the very first time,

and you want to talk to me

about my homework?

It's a compliment, Hall.

And plus, that's not true.

We hung out once

in the 5th grade.

I was running away from home,

you lent me an extra bicycle.

You remember that?

Yeah, I remember that, dipshit.

We rode up to that hill

over by the winery.

That, um

It's actually what

I'm here to talk about.

I'm surprised

you're bringing that up.

That was a really long time ago.

You remember what we did

when we got there?

You had a paper bag.

It was, uh, wrapped up in tape.

Right?

It was kinda bulky.

We buried it.

On Farmer's Peak.

You wouldn't tell me

what was in it.

Right. Well, I need it back.

What do you want me

to do about it?

Look, I don't know

that area, man, all right.

All the hills

look the same to me.

Never been back since.

Oh, you need my help.

Yeah.

Yeah, Hall. All right?

I need you help.

There, I said it.

I don't know, man. I mean

The day after we hung out,

you pretended like

nothing ever happened.

I saw you in the halls,

you laughed in my face.

You were an a**hole then.

You're an a**hole now.

Tell me one good reason

why I should care.

You're right, forget it.

Oh, come on.

Please, please, don't throw

away my comic books.

Haven't you outgrown

those things?

Sorry, Dad. I got you.

What's next? You're gonna

throw away my CDs, my books,

everything in my room?

Hey, Dad, you want something

to read? I got a comic

You have any ideas about

who you're taking to prom?

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