The War of the Roses

Do you have some valid reasons

for wanting a divorce?

Excuse me.

My sinuses are very sensitive to irritants.

Mm!

In the past five months,...

..I think I've breathed freely,

with both sides working, maybe a week total.

I gotta cut this out. It's gonna kill me.

I hadn't smoked for 13 years.

I kept the last cigarette from my last pack.

I said if I never smoke this One cigarette...

..I'll never smoke again, period.

Here.

I had this little case made for it.

See?

And then, one Thursday afternoon,...

..Barbara came to see me.

And when she left...

you know where I am

if you change your mind.

Barbara and Oliver Rose.

you'd have heard of 'em, except I kept

what happened out of the papers.

I think you should hear the story, though.

It might matter to you.

I won't start the clock yet.

My fee is $450 an hour.

When a man who makes $450 an hour

wants to tell you something for free,...

..you should listen.

They met... Great.

They agreed on that.

But, the way I saw it,

the poor bastards never had a chance.

It was the final day of the season

in Nantucket.

A nor'easter was blowing

the last of the tourists off the island.

The next item up for bid

is an exquisite Japanese carving, circa 1700.

A rare relief of a Shinto goddess,

very richly detailed.

- The intricacies of the Orient...

- $10!

I have $10 from the premature young man

in the grey raincoat.

- Do I hear 15?

- 11.

$11. Ladies and gentlemen,

please, do I hear 15?

- 20.

- $20. I have $20, ladies and gentlemen.

Do I hear 25 for this

exceptionally exotic item?

- $30.

- 31.

$31. All right, I have $31,

ladies and gentlemen. Is this my final offer?

Ladies and gentlemen, 31, going once...

- $40.

- $40! 40. Do I hear 45?

- 50. Five-0.

- $50. I have $50. Do I hear 60?

- $50, going once. Going twice.

Sold... to the pretty lady in the white sweater.

- Do you know how much it's worth?

- Doesn't matter. I'm not selling.

$250.

Well, I guess I have a good eye.

I gotta catch the last ferry.

Wait a minute. Let me carry that for you.

Here. Put this on.

Oh!

- I love the rain.

- God, I love it, too.

I know what you're thinking. Harvard Law,

woo, woo, woo! But I got a scholarship.

I'm not rich or anything. I'm brilliant.

- What about you?

- I'm not rich or brilliant.

- Where are you going to school?

- Madison. I got a scholarship. Gymnastics.

I don't know, though.

My body's getting kinda big.

It looks, uh...

Like a pendulum -

the longer it is, the slower you move.

My vaults and tumbling aren't what

they were. My strength moves are good.

your strength moves?

- I love Nantucket.

Oh! I'm gonna miss the ferry.

- Thanks for walking me. Bye.

- Wait! What's your name?

Barbara!

Barbara!

Wait a second! I've got a great idea!

-

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Never, never, never apologise

for being multiorgasmic.

I honestly didn't know I was.

Oh, bless you!

Bless you.

If we end up together,...

..then this is the most romantic day

of my whole life.

And if we don't,...

..then I'm a complete slut.

This is the story

we're gonna tell our grandchildren.

- Uh-oh.

Uh-oh!

It's the return of the bald avenger.

-

And a happy New Year

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

On Sesame Street

OK, that's the sixth time.

Now turn it off, honey.

Merry Christmas, Bird.

-

- Honey, give me those papers.

- Say please.

- Please.

- No.

- Where are they?

- I don't got.

- Nice try.

- Thanks.

-

Hello! Mom's home!

- Get over here, you squeezy! Squozy!

Ohh, up we go!

Come on, you.

- All right.

- Hi, honey.

Yeah, now you go in that chair. Got it?

Well, you're gonna go in this one, lady.

- Hey! I got you...

- Is that for me?

- There's green for you.

- Oh, thanks.

And it's red for you.

- It's not a good idea to give them sweets.

- Oh, no. It is.

I read that kids who are deprived

of sweets and candies all the time,...

..they get obsessed by it

and they turn out to be obese.

Kids who get it all the time,

it's no big deal - they turn out normal.

And... here.

Being a waitress on Christmas Eve's

very profitable.

- What do you think, guys?

- Ah! Nice!

OK.

I have to put it on the tree! Josh, look!

What do you think?

Hmm...

- Looks like tin foil.

- No, you're right. It doesn't make it.

I'll learn.

- Let's go for a walk.

- I gotta finish this.

- Just a quick stroll. Come on.

- It's freezing outside. It's snowing.

Yes. And I'm still asking you to take a walk.

Why, huh?

- Where are we going?

- Just to the corner.

Barbara, I have work to do.

I can't be walking around here in the snow.

OK, we're at the corner.

So what do you wanna do now? Walk back?

- No, I wanna go for a ride in your car.

- I don't have a car.

- You got me a Morgan?

- Yes!

Oh, ho, ho!

I don't believe it! A Morgan! A Morgan!

- The cook's brother brought it from England.

- It's got a little rust. I'll restore it.

- How much you pay?

- It's a present. I used my money.

Your money is our money.

Can we afford this?

You are gonna be so successful, this may be

our last opportunity to worry about money.

Come on! Here. Get in.

It's a right-hand drive.

- Well, are you happy?

- I'm more than happy. I'm way past happy.

I'm married.

Sounds like a fairy tale, doesn't it?

And it was.

My father used to say: "There are four things

that tell the world who a man is."

"His house, his car, his wife, and his shoes."

Oliver didn't have the house yet,

but he was definitely moving up in the world.

He'd only been with the firm six months...

..when he decided to have the senior partners

over to his new apartment for dinner.

He had his eye on the future.

So did I.

Pretty lady, lovely lady

May I have this dance with you?

Can I hold...

Ah, what a night!

Elke, Elke. Wait a minute.

We're eating with elderly people now.

Keep that closed.

- Where you been? Come on!

- Oliver, this is Elke.

- Elke, this is Oliver.

- Hi.

Come on. Come on.

Here is to Oliver and Gavin...

..for a job well done

on Kentucky versus Brunswick Coal.

Hear, hear!

- Hell of a litigation.

- Thank you.

I couldn't have done it without you, Oliver.

This man has a face

juries can't help but believe.

Gavin told the state attorney general

that if he didn't settle,...

..next election he'd be running as a gelding.

-

Well, let's drink up.

- Good night, Mom.

- Oh! Good night, sweethearts.

- Mom?

- Yeah?

Can I take some more dessert to our room?

OK! Time for bed. Let's go.

- Guess not.

- Kiss... Kiss.

Kiss Daddy.

- Good night, sweetheart.

- Good night.

- Good night, buddy.

- Good night, Dad.

Sleep well.

I used to be chubby as a kid. Yeah.

- Let's eat.

- Yeah.

Oh, my!

Whatever flavour is this?

No, don't tell me. Let me think now. Uh...

- It isn't apples.

- You make something with apples.

- No. Unless you mean baked apples?

- Prunes?

No. Wait a minute. Um...

This is a very special taste...

- Raisins!

- It isn't pears.

Um... fresh fig with, uh... a little cognac.

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