The War on Flight Attendants

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Excerpt from Steve Hofstetter Stand-up Comedy, 10-2-09

I try to sleep on every flight. That is my goal. I bring a real pillow with me. Like a bed pillow. I was flying back home to LA after a show and I put the pillow next to me and I put my head down and the flight attendant came racing down.

She says, “You can’t have a pillow in the exit row.”

And I said “But I do. It appears we’re at an impasse.”

And she says, “Well what happens if we crash?”

And I said, “It’ll help. I don’t know if you’ve heard much about pillows but they’re fantastic. They’re soft, they float, those are two characteristics I’d want to bring to a plane crash. If I could bring anything in the world to a plane crash, I would bring a pillow and a 2nd plane. Those are the two things I would bring.”

And she says “No, what if we crash and the pillow falls and someone has to get by it? What will you do?”.

And I said, “Oh, well in that case I’ll let them step on my pillow cause I’m not a monster.” You’d have to be. For someone to be on fire screaming and I would just say, “Can you please watch the pillow? Yeah I get it, burning alive, whatevs, that cost me eight dollars.” I’m not there to say that. I’m in the exit row, I’m the first one the f*** off the plane.

But she keeps at it. She says, “No, what if a pillow slows them down?” What if a pillow slows someone down during a plane crash? It’s their time. I don’t think we lost a scientist when that happen. What are they going to do for us? They’re just going to die tomorrow on some final destination sh*t, like why do we need that.

If you can’t get past a pillow in a plane crash, like, “I have to get out of….ahh. Ahhh. Think Jerry, think.”

But she keeps it up. She says, “No, what if it pillow obscures their path?” What the pillow obscures their path? I think you mean obstructs their path. I understand the words ‘obscure’ and ‘obstructs’ start the same but they get real different. Cause I don’t want you messing up words. Your job is to protect us in case of a crash. You’re in charge of our safety. As I recall, it’s your number one concern and I don’t want you f***ing up when there’s a problem. I don’t wanna hear, “Everybody, head towards the explosion, I mean exit, ha ha!” I don’t want that.

But let’s explore what you did mean. What if a pillow obscures someone's view of their path or obstructs their path? Now how hilariously tiny are the people on this airplane that a pillow is going to get in anyone's way ever. I’ve seen a movie where someone gets to the end of a tunnel, “TURN BACK THERE'S A PILLOW!” I’ve never seen that.

But she just kept at it. “Sir, your going to need to give me your pillow.”

And I said “You’re going to need to give me a good reason” And she said the strangest thing I’ve heard in my whole life.

She said “Crazy things can happen during a plane crash. A paper cut could decapitate somebody during a plane crash.”...what? A papercut could decapitate somebody during a plane crash? Those words together in that order on purpose? What else is ping ponging around in her head? ‘I like peanut butter. Do you swim?’ Like what else is up there. That’s what she landed on! A paper cut could decapitate somebody during a plane crash?

So I said “ThAt’S nOt A tHiNg.” cause I was out of clever, I had no other response. I’m a pretty clever guy, the chamber was empty.

Well conservations a two way street. I say something and that leads you to say something preferably related to what I just said and that’s not what happened that day. Cause I said “You’re going to need to give me a good reason”, I didn’t say, “Say something that’ll f*** me up for ten years.” I didn’t say that. But that’s what she heard and she said a paper cut could decapitate somebody during a plane crash.

If I had time to think about it I would’ve said something a little more smart like “NO. NO.” I do not accept the premise that paper could decapitate somebody during a plane crash. I can accept that at the exact right velocity at the exact right angle, a paper cut could cut open a vein and make you bleed out but a paper cut is not cutting through bone. Paper is NOT going through bone. If it could, rock paper scissors would finally f***ing make sense, but it doesn’t and it never will. And why are we even talking about paper? We were just talking about pillows a second ago. There’s paper everywhere on this airplane. There’s a sudoku in front of me, there’s a sky mall in front of me, there’s some dude down in Aisle 7b USA Today who’s going to decapitate every last one of us! Your safety instructions are written on a piece of paper!!! AnD tHoSe ArE YoUr NuMbEr OnE cOnCeRnS.” But I did not have all that, so I just said “ThAt’S nOt A tHiNg.”

But the crazy train had a 2nd stop to make.

She said, “Well you don’t know. You’ve never been in a plane crash.”

And I said, “Well, you’re talking to me so you haven’t either. I’m assuming.” I’m assuming she’s not the sole survivor of a crash we never heard of just the “Great Paper Cut Crash of 2004” and we never of it because it wasn’t in the news.

Well they tried to interview her. They did, they went to her house and said, “We have a few questions for you.”

She said, “Who are you.”

They said, “We’re with the paper.”

She said, “I’m afraid of paper!” And then they never got the story and now she goes to work surrounded by skymalls and sudokus and she persevere even though she has PTSD, which is very serious: Paper Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s very serious. It makes opening letters very difficult for her but she perseveres because she’s an American Hero! Or… She’s a nutball on a power trip. Likely that one.

So I gave her the pillow. I just wanted it to be over. There’s no arguing with unearned authority. So I gave her the pillow and it was over. I put my sleep mask on and it was over… for about 3 seconds.

Cause I put my sleep mask on and she shook me, which is assault, but she shook me and said “Sir, you’re going to need to take that sleep mask off.”

And I lost. My. sh*t. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME!” I was like, “Are people going to have a problem getting by this also?”

And she said “Well what happens if we get in a plane crash and you have to take it off? What will you do?

I said, “I’ll take it off. What is your problem? It’s not locked, it’s not a magic trick. Wa-ha! What are you talking about? I’ll just take it off. Is cotton and a rubber band going to kill everyone on the airplane?”

She says, “Well anything that slows you down could kill you.”

I said, “Why do you put us all in seatbelts, huh? Tie us down to your deathtrap? Is that your plan?”

And she says, “Well what happens if we get in a crash and you’re asleep. What will you do?”

I said, “I will wake the f*** up, that’s what I’ll do!” I’m not sleeping through a plan crash! What kind of narcoleptic family do you have that you think I’m sleeping through a plane crash? Everyone around me is on fire and screaming and I’m like, “Five more minutes mommy.” Do you think that’s a possibility.

And if we do crash and I am asleep, can you just not wake me? Who wakes someone up to die? “Hey, sleepy head, you almost missed this. Yeah, you were gonna die without knowing. We wanted to make sure you died with fear in your heart. We understand you have a choice when it comes to air travel and we’d like to thank you for flying United.”

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