The Waterboy

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Cut his ass.

- [ Grunting ] | - Go ! Now let's go !

[ Shouting ]

- Heads up ! | - [ Grunting ]

[ Man ] Take him down ! | That's it, that's it !

- Hey, Coach, how you been ? | - [ Laughing ] Lynn Swann.

Now, why ain't l surprised...

to see you snoopin' around my | football field first day of practice ?

Well, that's because you got | a good-lookin' football team.

Maybe good enough to add another | national championship trophy | to the old case downstairs.

That's kinda like my old man | told me one time, Lynn.

''The only thing better than a crawfish | dinner is five crawfish dinners.''

Hey, here comes | the shithead.

lt's clean.

lt's cold.

Now that's what l call | high-quality H2O. Oh !

Ooh ! | Right in the head !

lt's over there !

any unused magic in that | legendary green playbook of yours, Red ?

l may have a couple | squirrelled away in there...

for a rainy day.

[ players Yelling ]

See what we got here.

- Not exactly what l'd call | constructive criticism. | - [ Whistle Blowing ]

- Smell like you could use | a shower, stinky. | - Oh !

Listen, you-you could think what you | want a-about my personal hygiene,

but, please, | don't-don't waste any water.

That-That's bad policy. lf you | need to amuse yourself at my expense,

just-just rough me up | or something.

- Fair enough. | - [ Groaning ]

- [ Laughter ] | - [ Sighing ]

[ Waterboy Mumbling ]

Laski, get over here !

- Yes, sir, Coach ? | - [ Sighing ]

What is that moron | doin' here ? Huh, huh ?

Didn't l tell you as plain as l could | speak to get rid of his ass last year ?

Yes, sir, but l didn't think | you were serious, Coach. | Besides, he does a great job.

Disrupting my football team, | you idiot ?

Eighteen years of this | is enough !

Hey, Waterboy !

Yes, Mr Coach Beaulieu !

You're fired !

Okay.

[ Man ] | Get out of the way, you moron !

When l was just | a little boy

l stood up to | my daddy's knee

My papa said, son | don't let the man get ya

and do what he done to me

- Born on the bayou | - Oh.

Born on the bayou

Bobby Boucher, | come give your mama a kiss.

- Hi, Steve. | - [ Braying ]

Oh. Why you home so early, | my precious angel ?

Mama, s-somethin' bad | happened today.

Somebody hurt you, my boy ? Who hurt | you ? You tell Mama who hurt you.

Nobody, Mama. | lt's just that...

l lost my position as the team's | water distribution engineer.

Why, that's the best news | l heard in a dog's age.

Now you be able to spend your days | at home where you belong.

Yes, but--

l-l was-- l was thinkin', Mama, | maybe l-l could--

l could try to-to get another | waterboy job for-for a different team.

Don't you raise your voice | to me, Bobby Boucher.

l-l wasn't raising | my voice, Mama.

l don't like confrontation | 'cause l'm a Virgo.

Who told you | you was a Virgo ?

Vicki Vallencourt, | that-that-that-that girl.

a girl ?

Bobby Boucher ! Don't you remember | what your mama told you about girls ?

l remember, Mama.

a girl was so nice out at | Wasser's Creek this morning.

- Really ? | - We looked for crawfish together. | Her's name's Vicki.

l don't ever want you | associatin' with little girls.

- Why not, Mama ? | - Because little girls are the devil !

Mama, it-it's just | that l'm a waterboy.

The team gets thirsty, | and l bring them the water.

They-They need the water, and l likes | to be the one that brings it to them.

Yeah. They like to give you a boot | in the patoot for all your trouble.

Bobby, you don't have what they call | ''the social skills.''

people don't understand you. | That's why you never have any | friends, except for your mama.

all l know is this, Jimmy: | Next Friday, august 29, | at the Baton Rouge Exposition Center,

l'm gonna open a can | of whoop-ass on Herculon,

and l'm gonna drive him back into | whatever galaxy it is he came from.

and that's a promise !

Strong words from a strong man, | Captain lnsano.

Now let's take a call. lt's our | old friend from Jackson's Bayou, Mr B.

Hello, Jim.

l-ls it possible | to speak to Captain lnsano ?

- Shoot, Mr B. | - Captain lnsano,

l notice sometimes | when you are wrestling--

or-or openin' up a can of whoop-ass, | as you like to say--

- you seem to be sweating | quite profusely. | - Yeah ?

l was wondering if, | perhaps, you might need...

the services | of an experienced waterboy.

[ Chuckling ] | That's pretty cute.

How old are you, kid ? | Eleven, twelve ?

l-l am 31 years old.

[ Both Laughing ]

[ Captain lnsano ] | l guarantee, that guy's still a virgin.

Oh ! Oh, my God !

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Engine Whirring ]

My mama said

That your life | is a gift

and my mama said

This much weight | you will lift

and my mama said | leave those bad boys alone

and my mama said

This is where | they strip the ball from us.

and then we miss one tackle. | There, two tackles.

Joey drops the ball.

Whoops, he has time | to pick it up and dust it off | and run in for a touchdown...

before our guys even know | what's goin' on.

- [ Sighing ] | - [ Knocking ]

- Hello ? | - My name is Bobby Boucher.

and l am inquiring as to whether | you have the need for | an experienced waterboy...

on your upcoming season.

Nice suit.

Thank you. | l-l-l-lt was my daddy's.

- Hold that thought. | - Yeah.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. | Come on. Come here.

Come here. Come on. | Come on, everybody.

- all right, this is it. | This is the play. | - Okay.

This is the play. | This is the play. Okay ?

The quarterback. Two receivers | lined up to the left, one to the right.

There's a flanker lined up to the left | behind the quarterback.

- Oh, okay. | - He gives the ball-- | No, he doesn't get the ball.

The receiver goes | all the way over there to the left.

Once the quarterback has the ball, | he fakes to the left.

No. He fakes to the right. | He doesn't fake.

He thinks about faking. | He pretends to fake.

l don't know | where l am.

l can't breathe.

Or, this room is getting smaller. | l have to sit down.

Hang on here. | Take some water.

all right, there.

This is good. This is much better | than what l serve.

- That is the water that | you serve to your players ? | - Uh-huh.

lt is imperative that you allow me | to be your waterboy.

l can't hire you. | l can't hire anybody with the--

You do not have to-- have to pay me. | l-l will do it for free.

Just promise me that you will | never distribute the contents | of that jug to any human person.

- That's a deal. | - lt's a deal ?

Thank you so-so much, Coach Klein. | l-- l will not let you down.

- Good day. | - Good day.

l-l-l'll see you | at practice.

- Boom, boom, boom, boom | - [ Yelling ]

Bang, bang, bang, bang

Boom, boom, boom, boom

Bang, bang, bang, bang | Hey

Hey

Quit hoggin' that. | pass it over.

[ Mumbling, | lndistinct ]

Okay.

Just have the defence | run sprints.

[ Mumbling Continues ]

Yo ! Water's better cold.

Yes, l agree, but to guarantee that | the H2O is-is purified,

i-it's good to use | the heating source, Sterno.

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