The Waterboy Page #2

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lt's like my mama always says, | ''Better safe than-than sorry.''

My mama says that too. | aren't all mamas the same ?

- Yes. | - Derek. l kick | the field goals around here.

Will you listen up ? l need | your cooperation. l need it now.

ls he gonna be-be | all right ?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has | his good days and his bad days.

Used to be an assistant coach | at some big football school,

but he had a mental breakdown | or something.

Don't worry. | He'll snap out of it.

- Let me know when it | cools down, baby. all right. | - Yes.

[ Chuckles ]

[ panting ]

Hey, did you all get a load | of the new waterboy ?

Let's make him feel right at home. | Jerry, go right.

Casey, go left. | Way left.

- On one. Ready ? | - [ all ] Break !

Set ! Red, 22 !

Red, 22 ! Hut !

[ Grunting ]

- [ Cheering ] | - [ Laughing ]

l-l-l-l think you zigged | when you should've zagged on that play.

- Sorry. | - Hey, Waterboy, check this out.

[ all Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

Hey, Waterboy ! | Check this out.

- [ Laughing ] | - [ Grunting ]

- Yes. | - [ Grunting Continues ]

Well, my, my, my.

Was my little aquatic engineer about | to bash one of my football players ?

Well, he spit | in the c-c-cooler.

He happens to be | a finely tuned athletic machine.

and l ain't gonna have him hit | in the head by some idiot waterboy.

[ Echoing ] | Do you understand me ?

- are you all right ? | - What ? l wasn't gonna | do nothin', Coach.

Well, you better do something. | You gotta defend yourself here, Bobby.

But they're-they're-they're | finely tuned athletic machines.

l am not telling you | to go on a shooting rampage.

But you have to stand up | for yourself, or they're | gonna ride you all season long.

Believe me, | l've seen it myself.

Hey, moron !

Hey ! Moron ! Duh !

[ lmitating Bobby ] | L-Look at me. l'm the w-w-waterboy.

Duh ! l got | a wooden spoon. Duh !

Smell like you could use | a shower, stinky. [ Cackling ]

You're fired ! | [ Cackling ]

[ Both Laughing ]

Stop makin' fun of me.

Red, ready ! Hut !

- Wow ! | - Damn !

[ Mumbling ]

- l'm sorry. | - [ Groaning ]

Who that ? | Who there ?

So that's what openin' up | a can of whoop-ass feels like.

Son, you just opened | a whole case of whoop-ass.

l would be honoured if you | play football for this team.

- Me ? play football ? | - Yes.

Thanks, but no thanks. My mama | won't let me play no football.

We're gonna go home. | You and l, we're gonna talk to Mama.

M-Mama said-- M-Mama said-- | My mama said-- Mama said--

- My mama said-- My mama say that-- | - She's gonna say yes.

[ Zapper Buzzing ]

Mmm, that snake | looks delicious.

What part do you think | l'm about to eat ?

Uh, basically | a snake don't have parts.

But, uh, if l had to | call it anything,

l would say | it's his knee.

Great. His knee.

and what are we having | for dessert ?

[ animal Chittering | ln Zapper ]

- Squirrel. | - [ Squirrel Thuds ]

Excellent.

Let's talk about Bobby | playing football.

l don't like it, Mr Coach Klein. | l don't like it one bit.

You see, my boy is too delicate | to be playin' ''fool's ball''--

or whatever you call it-- | with them gargantuans.

l don't think you understand, | Mrs Boucher.

No, you don't understand me, | Mr Coach Klein.

My boy is all l got left. Ow !

- [ Steve Braying ] | - Mama, here.

lt's the brain pain, Coach.

You see, my husband Robert,

one day back in 1966, | pick up sticks,

and me four months pregnant | with this precious angel.

He decides he wants to go | and help the foreign peoples.

He's gonna go | and join the peace Corps.

and he promise me | that everything's gonna be okay.

Just like you | promisin' me now.

But everything wasn't okay. No.

He got lost in the middle | of the Sahara Desert.

and he died. | He died !

- Couldn't get no water, Coach. | He died of the dehydration. | - and we were left all alone.

l would've gotten my daddy some water, | but l was just a little baby | inside Mama's stomach.

and now you wanna take away | the only part of my Robert l have left.

But don't you want the only part you've | got left to get a college education ?

- Nah. | - Me, a college student ?

Yes. Bobby, think about it.

a whole new world | will open to you.

Boy, Mama, that-that-that sounds nice. | Me-Me, a college man.

Coach, my Bobby's | a sweet boy,

but he ain't exactly what you'd call | ''college material,''

so don't you go fillin' his simple head | with all those crazy dreams...

of school and college | and things of that sort.

But Mama, l-l'm tired | of everybody callin' me a dummy.

l'm-l'm tired | of not havin' any friends.

and my ass is tired sittin' here | jawin' all night. l'm goin' to bed.

Nice to meet you, Mr Coach. | Good luck with your fool's ball.

Bobby, after you let Mr Coach out, | you come into my bedroom.

Mama'll brush your hair.

- [ Door Closes ] | - You know, when l was your age,

my mother told me not to get a tattoo... | of Roy Orbison.

But what Mama don't know | won't hurt her.

l trust you'll make | the right decision.

Oh, yeah

Huh | l'm

Gonna get under your skin

- Sooner or later | - Damn, l don't want that ass | on the team.

Everybody's gonna | laugh at us.

Everybody's already | laughin' at us.

We ain't won a game | since 1994.

- Sooner or later | - Hey ! What's up, baby ? | - Hey.

- Where's your helmet ? | - Derek Wallace, they-they | don't got no more helmets.

Here. You can share mine.

Try it on, man. | See if it fits.

- all right. | - Thanks, friend.

- What a dink. | - [ Whistle Blowing ]

Come on ! | Huddle up !

- [ Mumbling ] | - [ Coach Klein ] all right, | we have an announcement to make.

Our former waterboy, Bobby Boucher, | is gonna play some linebacker for us.

[ lmitating Bobby ] | Ooh, l'm a f-f-football player. | [ Grunting ]

- Coach, l'd like to tackle him | right now, please. | - Not yet.

all right, now l wanna work with the | offence. l wanna work with the defence.

- Special teams, go with | Farmer Fran, do some laps. | - Sh*t.

[ Farmer Fran Mumbling ]

Line up on the ball.

- [ Man ] Let's go. | - all right ? Third and ten.

Third and ten ?

Yeah, you know, that's | the offense's last opportunity...

to gain ten yards | before they have to punt.

Gee, he's gonna run | the option.

Option ?

- [ Grumbling ] | - He ain't never gonna be able | to figure this out, Coach.

Yes, he is.

Now, Bobby, you've waterboyed | for 18 years.

Didn't you occasionally | watch the game ?

Oh, l had a lot | to k-keep me busy.

- Checking the pH levels, | refillin' the cups. | - all right.

Well, then let's just | keep it simple.

Casey. l want you | to tackle Casey...

like you did Gee yesterday.

- Right now ? | - Right now ! Go !

- Does he know about this ? | - Doesn't matter. You're a warrior.

Go.

- [ Man ] Boy, what you doin' ? | - [ players Grumbling ]

[ Coach Klein ] | all right. Bobby, Bobby.

Don't be afraid to use | all of your strength, you know ?

He's resilient. | He's a resilient guy.

Okay ? Come on.

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