The Way Ahead

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500 of them stark-naked,

screamin' their heads off, all with spears.

Yes, they weren't very nice, those spears.

Well, they say it's much worse now,

but these young fellas nowadays,

they haven't got the stomach for it.

There's not many has when

it comes to a spear.

Talk sense, man. All I say is, if

there is a war, which God forbid,

then you can say goodbye to England,

home and beauty,

because the young chaps

now, they can't fight.

Hello, Drummer.

Well, what about us?

What about

the Duke of Glendon's Light Infantry, eh?

What about the Dogs?

But you said yourself

the Dogs aren't what they were.

It's all this education and machinery

and goin' to the pictures.

It's all right to have a good regiment

but where are the men to fight in it?

That's the point.

Where are they?

There you are. That ought

to warm 'em up a bit.

International crisis.

I tell you, Fred, things

are getting serious.

Do you know what time I got

home last night? Half past ten.

- Winston's having another go at them upstairs.

- Oh, well, that's something.

You know that fellow Westlake,

National Liberal, Bromwich East?

Do you know how long he went on last night?

Hour and 40 minutes solid.

I know. I know. You're dead right.

It's the third time this week.

I tell you, Fred,

my missus is getting proper fed up.

We're going to have a war.

Right. Let 'em start one now.

Let 'em get on with it. Let us get home

early to our suppers for once in a change.

War? Not a chance of it, madam, not this year.

It's not in anybody's interests, is it, really?

- Passage for California?

- Yes. The end counter over there.

Payable to the Agency, sir.

Just "& Co". No "Limited"

You'll arrive in Benghazi on the 20th...

- Are we likely to run into any sandstorms?

- No, madam.

The Italians haven't been very clever

about their publicity.

Libya's the only unspoiled playground

in the Mediterranean.

War, that's the trouble.

It may start at any moment.

We'd like to do lots of repairs,

but our hands are tied.

- Not when it comes to taking the rent!

- If times were normal,

we'd be giving you a bath with a geyser

and new paint.

I don't want a geyser.

I want the guttering put right.

Drip, drip, drip! It drives you mad.

We can't all be thinking of ourselves

in times like these, Mrs Williams.

And with summer coming on,

it won't bother you so much.

I've only had it six months,

now they're talking about a war.

I won't be able to get any spares. Foreign.

- You may not be able to get any petrol.

- Don't talk silly.

How am I going to get home?

- It's nearly quarter past, Jim.

- Won't be a moment.

You're in a bit of a hurry, aren't you?

- Oh, that again.

- I've got to be at the Drill Hall by half past.

Territorials! Look here, Jimmy boy,

I was in the last lot.

At the War Office.

Nearly ruined my health.

Don't start looking for trouble.

If there is going to be a war,

and if they hadn't told us to keep cool after

Munich, I wouldn't have put new pumps up,

but if there is going to be a war,

the whole place goes over to munitions.

With that knack of yours

and my good management,

why, there'll be a packet

in it for all of us.

Enough for you to buy

that place of your own.

And it's patriotic, too. Hello, Mrs Perry.

Hello, Mr Jackson. Coming, Jim?

- I can't go with my buttons like this.

- Buttons! Listen to him.

A man with your husband's brains

playing at soldiers.

It isn't as if he's got any rifles

or machine guns or any real things.

- But they have, haven't you?

- Of course we have. Hurry up.

The trouble is to get them all clean.

They've got so many new guns and tanks.

- Tanks? I thought he was in the infantry.

- Little tanks.

You know, carriers.

Well, the papers say you haven't

got a thing. Not a thing!

You don't want to believe

everything you read.

I wish I could take you to the Drill Hall.

You'd be amazed.

So much stuff there,

we've nowhere to put it.

It'd be a great eye-opener.

Now, this is the 1914 type.

When we get a gun - and

we may any day now -

we shall probably get the 1917 type

with improvements.

I used it myself in 1918.

The main thing is, keep it clean.

Mind you don't drop the magazines,

and remember the eight stoppages.

Get mud in the feed pawls

and you'll have trouble.

- A bent magazine, you got more trouble.

- Hey!

Shan't be a minute, old man.

But it's a good old gun.

In my humble opinion,

the perfect answer to attacks from the air.

So if hostile aeroplanes

try to interfere with you,

all you got to do is touch 'em up a bit

with the old Lewis. Got it?

We ought to have dug trenches at Dunkirk,

let the Germans through,

- then taken them in the rear.

- What can you do with a rifle against a tank?

Oh, we had our troubles, in the Sudan and in

Basutoland, but we got through all right.

- The Dogs always do.

- Ah...

What was you in?

The Dogs. D-O-Gs.

Duke of Glendon's Light Infantry.

You ought to know that, young fellow.

- What you in?

- Parachutes.

Oh, the Umbrella Danglers.

Who does your marching for you?

They could have done with us in Greece.

There's another bungled engagement for you.

Surrounded? All right, form square, same

as what old General McNeill did at Suakin.

- You'd be too old to remember that?

- Mm.

Times have changed, Dad.

He's right, Bobby.

I don't doubt they use bayonets nowadays,

the like of which we've never seen.

Great long beggars.

No, nothing's changed.

Except that life's much

easier than it used to be.

Now all them battle courses.

Lot of nonsense!

Anything to get out of marching.

Cushy, compared to what we had to do.

Up to our knees in water to cross a stream.

No time to take your boots off.

No joke, it was.

Nowadays, they're afraid of getting their feet

wet Might get in a draught and catch cold.

Lot of nonsense.

One sergeant we had used to shout and scream,

just to make it sound like a real battle.

Wouldn't like that sort of caper nowadays.

Too worried about them fancy battle suits

of theirs, these young fellas.

Keeping a crease in their trousers

to go out with a girl.

No buttons to clean like we had.

They don't know what polishing is.

And another thing, we didn't get broke off for a

cup of tea every five minutes like they do now.

We had to keep on marching,

dressing properly by the right

with bayonets gleaming and everything.

Looked lovely it did.

Didn't feel so lovely, though.

No joke when you've got wet feet

and the sergeant's watching you,

specially when it's hot.

Didn't have no feelings,

those old sergeants.

No taking it easy with them -

"left right, left right" -

had to watch your step, you did.

If you made a mistake in the drill,

you all had to go back and do it again.

Much easier.

I don't know why they don't call

some of us up, some of the old Dogs.

We'd show 'em.

No need to, Dad. Look.

- Big new call-up.

- Fat lot of good that'll do.

Duke of Glendon's Light Infantry.

I know it's wrong.

Mr Davenport said so himself. He said

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