The Weather Man Page #2

Hi.

Hi. Thanks for getting Mike.

- Hey, how was your thing?

- It was good.

- I'll see you, Dad.

- Okay, Mike.

- I think he's gonna be okay.

- Well, we'll see.

What's new?

Nothing much.

I got a feeler from Hello America.

- What?

- I got a feeler.

Dales is leaving it.

I might get called to audition.

New York.

- If I get called.

- That's good.

What about the kids?

It's just a shot in the dark, that's all.

Well, thanks for getting Mike.

I had to take my dad

to Northwestern for a test...

so I was right there, anyway.

- Oh, is he okay?

- I think so. It was just a test.

Noreen!

Are you okay?

Yeah.

F***! What are you doing?

I was just... You turned into it.

I think you cracked the glass.

So do you have everything you need?

Yeah, we got everything.

We'll pare it down to three applicants

after we watch the tapes.

- We'll call if you're one, Dave.

- Okay, Mark.

It's nice to make your acquaintance.

- You, too. Take care.

- Hey, weatherman!

All right. Bye.

F***!

F***.

David?

Hey.

- What happened?

- I got hit with a Frosty.

- Why?

- What?

Why did you get hit with a Frosty?

What is a Frosty?

A Frosty is a shake from Wendy's.

Why would someone throw

a shake at you?

- That happens sometimes.

- People throw shakes at you?

Stuff. People throw stuff

at me sometimes...

- if they don't like me, or something.

- They don't know you.

- If they don't like me, or something.

- They don't know you.

From TV.

But you just read the weather.

Well, I predict it.

You don't have a degree in meteorology.

I make suppositions, or I...

What are you doing?

- I walked over.

- You walked? It's freezing.

I have lymphoma, David.

What?

I have lymphoma.

- Doctor Pritch called.

- What?

I was having tremors.

That's the reason that I went in.

Pritch read my scans.

- What's the prognosis?

- Well, it's not good.

We'll talk about it this week.

I wanted to tell you.

Yeah.

I'll call you

after I've talked to Pritch again.

I'll drive you home.

I like the fresh air.

- Well, I'll walk back with you.

- No, that's okay.

Okay.

Every couple months,

someone throws something at me...

a shake, a burrito once.

Why? My name, partly, I guess.

I changed it for professional reasons.

My first station manager suggested it.

He said it sounded refreshing

and that they wanted that quality.

That may be true, but it's also annoying.

I know that.

What kind of name is Spritz?

It's a bullshit name. It's a TV name.

He's bullshit.

Well, I like him. He's handsome.

He's an a**hole.

I don't like his face.

His a**hole face.

The other thing, my job is very easy.

Two hours a day,

basically reading prompts.

I make $240,000 a year...

plus appearances...

which are, you know,

not comfortable for me...

but lucrative.

"Four score and seven years ago...

"our fathers brought forth,

on this continent..."

Also, it makes other things easy,

being on TV.

Everything's easy.

Yeah!

I receive a large reward for pretty much

zero effort and contribution.

The shakes and stuff

are a reaction to that, I think.

What must you think of me?

Your family-leaver.

Your non-meteorologist,

yet weatherman...

frosty-taking, f***-happy son.

Don't die yet, Robert.

Give me time to get it together.

Give me a little while.

Let me get the Hello America job.

I can get it together.

Two for High Water.

- I got mine, Don.

- No, it's cool. I got it.

Thanks.

Tricia's a b*tch.

She's a little c*nt.

I hate that little c*nt.

I'd like to burn her.

Hi.

Hi.

Today's the company party.

I thought I'd take the kids.

Oh.

Well, Mike is out.

- Shelly's home?

- She's walking Jackson.

- Where do you want to take them?

- The rink. WCH.

Hey.

Hey.

What?

Dave.

Hey, Tim.

- I didn't know you were coming.

- I always come to these...

when I can.

I have some time this week if you want

to go back up to Bolingbrook.

- What's in Bolingbrook?

- Sportsman's. The archery range.

- Okay.

- Okay? You wanna go?

Okay, I remember it.

Well, do you wanna go back up?

Sometimes.

What's gonna happen?

What?

What are we gonna do here?

Great stuff.

Ladies and gentlemen, on your marks!

Let's go team Spritz!

Get set!

Go!

Go! Go! Go!

- Just keep up, Shell. Come on.

- I'm trying to.

We should finish.

We're last. We're way last.

There's a lesson here. Let's finish.

I'm hurt.

Hon, you can do it.

You can finish. Okay?

I don't want you to quit.

It's gonna mean a lot to Dad. Okay?

All right.

Let's go.

That's my girl. That's it.

Good. I'm proud of you.

Okay?

Yay! That was great!

Hon. Hon, you okay?

You shouldn't have made me finish!

That was like 100 yards

you made me go.

I'm not a football-jocker.

What happened?

Just... We got tangled up in a sack.

- What happened?

- She tore her ACL.

These f***ing crutches are too long!

- What did you say?

- Shelly!

- Well, what were you doing?

- It was a picnic.

- And she tore something?

- ACL. MCL.

Which?

Both.

- Dave!

- Well, we didn't go bungee jumping!

It was a f***ing potato-sack race!

- That's where she got it.

- What?

"F***ing" this. "F***ing" that.

No, I never said that around her.

You don't know you have, Dave,

because you don't pay attention!

F*** that.

What?

- Just f*** that, Noreen. You know...

- Dave.

- What?

- Step back.

- Step back?

- Step back.

What are you talking about, Russ?

- Russ...

- Step back right now.

- F*** you, right now.

- F*** you, Spritz.

F*** you, fat a**hole!

Dildo!

David, what are you doing?

I'm talking to my wife!

I'm talking to Noreen...

and this clown,

whose business this isn't.

You call me a dildo,

it is my business, Spritz.

You are a dildo, pork-f***. You porker!

Stop, Son.

Would you?

Why don't you go?

Why are you here? Are you okay?

I came to talk to Noreen.

Dave, come on. I will talk to you later.

- Dave, what's going on, Son?

- It's nothing. Just...

Why are you here, anyway?

I came to talk to Noreen

about an issue concerning Shelly.

Well, you can talk to me.

I'm her parent, too. So? What?

Shelly dresses in clothing

not appropriate for her...

clinging stuff.

All kids wear...

Dad, it's a different generation.

They call her camel toe.

- What?

- Are you aware of that?

What?

That her colleagues call her camel toe.

What are you talking about?

It means the crease in her vagina...

that they can discern

through her clothing.

- What?

- Camel toe.

Yeah, I heard you.

I mean, how do you know they do that?

I heard it.

I picked Shelly up on Wednesday,

heard taunting, the older boys calling it.

- You might have heard wrong.

- No, I heard camel...

Okay, okay, look. I'll deal.

I want to get her through this ACL thing.

I'm gonna take her shooting.

I'm gonna reapply her there.

I'm gonna get her talking to me.

I'm gonna get to her...

and I'm gonna work it out.

A camel toe is pretty much

what Robert said it was.

It's basically just when you

can make out more than you should.

But it's the kind of thing...

She's 12, you know?

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