The Wedding Planner

You may now kiss the bride.

From now on,|he'll take care of you...

and you'll take care of him.

He'll make you|big baloney sandwiches...

and you'll buy him new socks|and a white briefcase.

And you'll live happily ever after.

You're the luckiest girl|in the world, Barbie.

The luckiest girl in the world.

You are the luckiest girl|in the world.

When I did Whitney Houston's wedding,|she was even more nervous than you.

And you look ten times better|than she did.

No, I don't.

This isn't gonna work.

I'm fat!

And I'm gonna marry|the wrong guy.

Look at me.

You are exquisite.

You're timeless.

You're the envy of your|future sister-in-law Janice...

whom I overheard say at the last|gown fitting, " Look at those thighs.

I'd kill for Tracy's thighs."

But you have more|than great thighs.

You have the love|of a man named Tom.

A man who, when he walked into|rehearsal dinner the other day...

said, "I can't believe|she picked me.

I can't believe I'm marrying the|most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

That tells me that this marriage|of yours is not only gonna work...

it's gonna last forever.

Thank you.

Oh, Mom, come here.

Excuse me.

Hey, what are you doing?

Thank you!

Keep to areas A, B and E. I don't want|any interference with the video team.

I know who you're looking for.|They're right downstairs.

- Father, where are you going?|- Nature calls.

You must call back later.|We're about to start.

Let's go. Inside.

Good morning.

Penny, stop flirting.|We're going in one.

Penny, go to M-12.|We have a dark Tower choking the AV.

Hi, ma'am. You're in|the preferred seating list.

- If you'll just follow me.|- Bye.

There we go.

Enjoy the wedding|from way back here.

Dark Tower demolished.

All right.|Places, everyone.

Todd, cut the fill lights.

Maestro, on three.

Excuse me, Mary. We can't find|the father of the bride.

That's okay. I got it.|Penny, send over the FOB.

I did, 15 minutes ago.

Cover me up north.|The FOB is MIA.

Oh, no, no, no.|Count to 100 and start again, okay?

Father, you're gonna|have to hold it.

Good.

Hey, guys, we're on.|Come on, put your jackets on.

I have a 20 on the FOB.

My little girl's|getting married today.

I remember her graduation|from nursery school...

when she was a little girl.

I remember...

like it was yesterday.

- Who are you?|- I'm the wedding planner.

Look, there's the wedding planner.

She must lead|such a romantic life.

" Earwax."

"X" on a double letter.|"A" on a triple word.

Seventy-two points.

No, I challenge you.|" Earwax" is two words.

- It's one.|- You're bluffing.

" Munch." Sixteen points.

Sixteen.

Maria, I know I'm a pain in the neck.|I just want you to be happy.

I'm gonna say something that you|may be a little resistant to...

but sometimes a father|has to take action.

What are you talking about?

I found you a man|who has agreed to marry you.

Oh, my God!

If her mother was alive...

and she heard that,|she'd wish she was dead.

"Shaft." Twenty-two points.

Anyway, you know him.|Remember Massimo?

No. Who?

Massimo Lenzetta, the little boy you|played with the summer we were in Italy?

- The kid who ate mud?|- That's the one!

I bumped into him on New Arrivals Night|at the Sicilian Association.

Why, this is the most|wonderful day of my life!

A man of my very own!

- You must bring me to him at once.|- No need.

- He's here?|- Yeah.

- He's here? He's here?|- Massimo.

- No, he didn't.|- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You remember Massimo?

That mud did him good.

The last time I see you,|you were scrawny and ugly...

and your head was too big|for your body.

How nice. Thank you.

You're welcome.

I look forward|to our life together.

I want three sons|and a garden of tomatoes.

Okay then.

Tomatoes? Tomatoes?

Maria, wait.

- Good morning.|- Good morning.

The paper, and I'm gonna take|that Yahoo too.

- Keep it.|- Thanks.

- See ya.|- Bye.

- You look all excited.|- I am.

- Mary, I need--|- Can you take it, please?

Francine Donolly.

Her family sold gourmet sausages|out of the working-class kitchen.

- Yeah?|- Now today, five years later...

they're one of the biggest Internet|food specialty companies in America.

Pierre, I love you, but if you use|another carnation in my bouquet...

I will deport you.

- Thank you so much.|- Geri.

They put her wedding announcement|in the society pages. Why?

Because they want their new money|to be taken very seriously.

Sheila! Book the Gazebo Package|for the Belettis, okay?

Take this ugly flower.

Call Davis and tell him we need|a rush order on the Chuppa rental.

Thank you.

- What the hell is this?|- Sunless tanning cream.

Wedding's tomorrow.|You do the math.

Stop crying. Quarter cup of lemon juice,|half a cup of salt and a loof of sponge.

- Really?|- Scrub, scrub, scrub. Okay?

Look, they see this|as their ticket into the club.

They wanna make it a social event,|the party everybody talks about.

Oh, thank you, Sheila.

I already made contact. They're coming|to the Copeland wedding to see my work.

I'm gonna nail this account.

We'll be in every major|bridal magazine in the country.

- It'll be our biggest event ever.|- Good.

When I pull it off,|you're gonna make me a partner.

- A partner?|- Yes.

A partner.

Okay, you are fantastic.

Really, you're incredible.

Very good work,|but let me tell you something.

I built this business|on my back.

I sweat, I toiled.

I did things a little, innocent wedding|planner shouldn't even hear about.

I won't even say it.

I made the big plans, okay?|I made the sacrifiices.

You also never made any money.

Wow!

Until I came along.

Look, I've been here|for five years, Geri.

I bring in more revenue than all of|your other wedding planners combined.

- That's great.|- Times five!

You need me.

You know you need me.

- I know you know that you need me.|- I don't know that.

You know, maybe I should|just start my own company.

You wouldn't dare.

If I nailed the Donolly account|and you made me a partner...

you'd save me the trouble|of designing my own letterhead.

- You're gonna be a partner!|- I gotta get the account first.

Please, Mary, you're totally|gonna get the account.

The Greenburg marriage lasted one year,|two months. You win the pot again.

How do you do it?|I was more than four years off.

"I Honestly Love You" by Olivia|Newton-John was their wedding song.

Puts them in|the 14-month divorce range.

Speaking of honest love,|Jed was asking about you again.

I don't trust a man|who gets regular pedicures.

- You haven't had a date in two years.|- Your point?

If you're not interested in Jed...

there is a handsome Italian man|waiting to marry you in the lobby.

Hide me.|Did you talk to him?

Just for a few minutes.|He is so adorable.

- He's not adorable.|- How can you say that?

When we were kids, he followed me for|a summer asking me if I had a vagina.

I think that's adorable.

I gotta get out of here.

- Grab that side.|- You shouldn't hold that against him.

You should give him a chance.|He was a little boy.

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