The Wicked One Page #5

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Dick.

Quinton.

Hey, what's going on, man?

What the hell

are you doing?

Man, I'm just looking

in one of these barns

trying to, I don't know,

find something nice

to do for Chris.

Yeah, Alex said you

and Chris weren't going

to the Wicked Fest tonight.

You'd be correct, sir.

Thought we would, uh,

take that opportunity...

have a little bit of, uh,

one-on-one time, you know?

Is that code for stick

your pecker in her butthole?

Jesus, man, f***!

I was... going for

romantic fine dining.

Hmm, okay, and you're

looking in a tool shed.

Okay, sorry to break it

to you, buddy,

but, uh, not a romantic

bone in your body.

I don't know

how to do this sh*t.

You do this p*ssy sh*t

for Alex all the time.

- All right, all right.

- Give me some pointers.

- Help me out.

- All right, look.

First of all,

anywhere but here,

'cause... damn.

Okay, I think

there's a gazebo

or something on the other

side of the property.

You might want to try

stringing some lights,

laying down

something soft.

- Okay.

- Maybe some wine.

Chocolates.

Overlay that with

a little bit of music.

Uh, just remember.

Condoms, lube,

permission...

tetanus shot,

and bug spray.

I can't remember all that!

Write it on your hand!

Goddamn Casanova.

(rock music playing,

people cheering)

Learned the message

as far as I know

And I'm roaming

the southland rock and roll

Can we get

two bourbons, please?

Thank you.

Jesus Christ,

this is f***in' lame.

(chuckles)

Yeah.

Hey.

It'll pass the night,

my friend.

Jesus f***ing Chris,

how do you drink that?

I'll stick to weed.

Whoo!

Dance with me.

I don't want

to dance.

Honey... please?

How do you say

no to that?

Come on.

Bye.

You're not com...

(Alex)

Come on!

You want to dance?

Uh, no, I don't dance.

There's a first time

for everything.

I'll tell you what.

Let you have a drink.

We'll talk about

the dancing,

see how the night

progresses.

- Okay.

- Deal?

What I just heard

was...

chances of getting you

to do something

you don't want to do

increases the more

you drink.

Uh, no.

What I mean was,

the chances of you

getting out there...

me out there

on the dance floor,

to dance to

some rock music,

slim to none, but...

first time for

everything, I guess.

Then yeah.

Deal.

Looking mighty good

in that costume, Ms. Curtis.

(Alex giggles)

Well, you're not

too shabby yourself.

It'd look better back up

at the house on the floor.

If you're lucky,

you're gonna see that.

Mmm!

Give me whiskey

Shotgun

Voodoo

Whiskey

Shotguns

Voodoo

Seriously, Quinton?

A f***ing barn?

That's what you have

to show me?

Yeah, but, come on.

Can you... can you

humor me, please?

- Fine.

- Awesome, come on.

Shotguns

Voodoo

Holdin' on, holdin' on,

holdin' on

Ugh! It smells

like cows in here.

There's no f***ing cows.

Look at it, huh?

Like...

Well, this is...

better.

- Yeah.

- All right.

And I also...

Best part is

I have... wine.

I've got beer

in the cooler.

- Ready to rumba!

- Honey bun.

- Aww.

- Honey bun.

You know, I could, uh,

think of a couple

other things to do

with this bottle

aside from drink it.

(both laugh)

Thank you for that.

Mmm.

Mmm.

(zipper opens)

(giggles)

Mmm, you're so hot, baby.

Ooh!

Ooh!

(giggles)

(moaning)

Oh, f***, baby,

your body's so hot.

Are you gonna keep talking,

or are you gonna put

that body to good use?

Yes, ma'am.

Good boy.

(moaning)

Oh, yeah.

(moaning continues)

(people cheering)

All right, all right,

let's hear it for the damnedest

band in the land,

Vintage Voodoo!

Make it howl!

Awoo!

Come here, ladies.

Come here.

Look at these sexy succubi.

Now, they got moves,

and they got twists.

Make your head spin

like Linda Blair

in "The Exorcist"!

- Awoo!

- (men cheering)

Now, here's something

that's gonna get you.

A prescription

from Dr. Dementia.

It's time for you

to take your medicine.

Vintage Voodoo is gonna

give you a lethal dose

about a local

bogeyman legend.

A song to just... die for.

"Death Row Scarecrow"!

Hit it!

(band playing rock)

Downed the scent

of asylum

From an early age

Been there

so long where he belonged

But he's been

full of rage

Never knew

where his mind went

Living in shroud

and hood

One thing for sure

There is no cure, ah

For what's

out in the woods

If you could see

their faces...

(sucking on straw)

(both chuckle)

I do believe

I'm drunk.

I think so.

And then you

realize...

You all right?

There's a darkness

around you

I need to be

in the bathroom.

Whoa, okay, all right.

Yeah, we'll find you one.

All right.

You know it's time

to lose your mind

Into the legend

of Death Row Scarecrow

(Quinton)

Oh, f***!

(both moaning)

- Oh, yeah!

- Ah!

Oh, yeah, yeah!

Yeah! Oh, f***!

Oh, my God, yes!

Oh, yeah!

(moaning louder)

(both moaning)

(Quinton laughs)

Oh, my God.

- (chuckles)

- F***, baby.

It's like the world

greatest Slip 'N Slide.

(giggle)

Kinky little sh*t!

Just gonna go

to the bathroom.

Don't leave me alone

for too long.

Oh, no, no.

I'll be right back.

No, there's nothing

worry to about.

Give me some more.

Okay.

(wood creaking)

(chuckles)

F***in' hell.

(chuckles)

(Trevor) This one's a

major lightweight.

Okay, now...

Yep, that'll work.

That's good.

Hey, I'm really glad

you came tonight.

Yeah.

I'm, uh, I'm gonna

get her a rag.

Pretty sure she's puked

her f***in' guts up outside.

(Alex)

Poor baby.

You poor baby.

Hey, you.

You ready for bed?

Maybe.

Kind of, sort of.

Mm-hmm.

(giggles)

Wait, you do realize

I said "bed"

not "sleep"?

Mm-hmm, you know it.

All right, okay.

Hold a second,

where's Chris and Quinton?

(Adam)

He did have this big...

shindig planned

down by the barn,

but, hell, I thought

they'd be back by now.

Why don't you go

check on 'em?

- Now?

- Mm-hmm, now.

- But...

- It's okay.

I'll be waiting

when you get back.

Have that on the floor

when I get back.

Brother's still in the room.

- Sorry.

- Glad you're all close.

Ahem.

All right,

come on, sweetie.

Let's get you in bed.

- No.

- Yes.

No, no, I'm good.

I got everything

out already.

I just... I gotta get

something in my stomach,

and I'll be fine.

Okay, well,

then let's go get you

some food

in your belly.

You got her?

Lead the way.

Come on.

That's it.

(insects chirping,

birds hooting)

(animals howling,

wings flapping)

Quinton?

Stop f***ing around, babe.

Where are you?

(screams)

Good thing we brought

food with us, huh?

(Trevor)

No sh*t.

Chick's got a mouth

like a vacuum.

Well, not in a sexual way.

What?

F*** you guys.

I'm going to bed.

Hey, your little

girlfriend here

might want to

go with you.

Still hate you.

Still hate you, too.

(chuckles)

What the f***?

(groaning)

Unh!

Unh!

(moaning)

Unh!

Seems like Adam's been gone

a really long time.

Yeah, I know.

(Trevor)

Yeah, you know what?

Adam, he's still

not back yet.

Oh, what, you afraid

your ex-military boyfriend

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