The Wicker Tree Page #5

There aren't very many kids

around here.

Right on. You want me to sign

myself just "Laddie"

or you want

my real name?

Both, please, Laddie.

Angus, shouldn't you be

at home?

Laddie, are you a cowboy?

I mean, for real?

I sure am.

So where are your shooters, then?

( imitates gunshots )

Go on, Angus.

You're bothering the Laddie.

Get on home

before I call your dad.

No, Pete, it's cool.

I left my shooters

back home in Texas

'cause those airlines-- they don't

like me having them on the plane

Thanks for the autograph, Laddie.

I just wish you'd

brought your shooters.

You really could have

used them tomorrow.

Angus, I'll call your dad.

Ah, so that is what the modern

missionaries are wearing these days.

Or are you trying

to tell us something, Beth?

Okay, I'll admit it.

I'm mad as hell at Steve.

But you're throwing a party for me

and I plan to enjoy it.

Carla made the dress for me

to wear after a gig.

I don't know why I packed it.

It must have been

a premonition.

So do you plan

to forgive Steve?

Say, tomorrow?

You must remember

to err is human,

to forgive-- divine.

I'll probably forgive him

in half an hour.

You know why?

Because I love

that son of a b*tch cowboy.

( Delia chuckles )

J' The feast shall cloy not J'

J' Nor the chase shall tire J'

J' Nor music cease forever J'

J' Through the hall J'

J' The gold and jewels J'

J' Of the Land of Youth J'

J' Outshine all splendors J'

J' Ever dreamed by man J'

J' Thou shalt have horses J'

J' Of the fairy breed J'

J' Thou shalt have hounds J'

J' That can outrun the wind J'

J' A hundred chiefs J'

J' Shall follow thee in war... J'

Dear God--

I've got to get this

in the right order.

Thank you, as always,

for my wonderful voice

and for making me

so okay-looking.

And thank you for making

that amazing prayer meeting

such a success.

And, God,

Steve--

I want him back.

I know that you help those

that help themselves.

And I guess I didn't use

my womanly wiles

any too wisely

where Steve is concerned.

But, please, God,

rekindle in Steve's heart

the love that he used to

have for me.

Amen.

- ( knocks on door)

- Who is it?

Beame:
It's me, miss,

with your hot milk.

Come in.

Just there.

Magog, M3909-

- Come here, come here.

- No, no, no, no, leave him, please.

I like cats.

Very good, miss,

if you're sure.

I'm sure. Thanks.

Good night.

Good night, miss.

( Cat purring )

That's not for you, Magog.

It's too hot.

- ( glass shatters )

- ( Magog mews )

- ( Orlando grunting )

- Sitting astride a horse all day

makes me horny as hell

sometimes.

Oh, here, let me help you

off with that.

( panting )

That was number six.

Lolly, you said

you were gonna tell me

about that cult that's been

reported around here

if we got to six.

Seven.

I said seven.

Seven is going to be

the best yet.

Of course,

everybody knows about

the old great scarf act.

I'm sure you do...

but not the way I do it.

( Orlando moaning loudly )

Lolly's latest--

Orlando Orgasissimo.

( Orlando moaning loudly )

(siren wailing)

Lolly's hospitalized

the copper.

Well, I'm afraid we have not been

successful with Beth.

Magog is dead.

Must have got to the milk.

Beth, however,

seems to be all right.

Well, Beame, you'd better deal

with Miss Beth after breakfast,

give her a shot

of the usual.

Yes, sir.

Beg pardon, sir,

what if she's awake?

Then put her to sleep.

Good God, man,

how long have we been doing this?

Oh, pity about Magog.

We will miss him.

Yes, well, the mice won't.

( chuckles )

Beame, get her ready for tomorrow

before there are any more mishaps.

Yes, Sir Lachlan.

Get cook to help you.

Daisy always frets a bit.

She doesn't really like

helping me.

"Gruesome" was

the word she used.

Oh, well, the weaker sex.

Although not of course you,

my lady.

Mary Hillier asked me

an odd question yesterday.

She wondered, do I--

do you really believe

in what you've led us

to believe?

Hmm, yes.

It's a very good question.

Am I a sincere believer?

Why have you put in

the Laddie?

Oh, it's you.

I've always wanted

to paint the bridge.

And then I thought,

'Imagine the whole of Tressock

will be riding after the Laddie."

Poor wee Laddie.

That bridge has seen so much drama

over the past few centuries.

Poor wee Laddie.

Hunting him

is a game of chance.

You've often said

that what you believe in

is the natural order of things--

the food chain.

Cruel or benign,

for you,

everything under the sun happens

because it just happens.

That's fate.

But can fate be altered?

This is a question

that every religion

have tried to answer.

And the answer is

almost certainly no.

But we keep trying.

I'll tell you what I believe:

if I am a rabbi

Jehovah is my God;

if a mullah--

Allah the Merciful is He;

if a Christian--

Jesus is my Lord.

Here in Tressock,

I believe the old religion

of the Celts

fits our needs at this time.

Isn't that all you can ask

of a religion?

( chattering, laughing )

In a few moments,

my friends,

I will introduce you,

those who have not already met him,

to your Laddie.

Here he is.

This year we are

exceptionally fortunate

to have selected someone

who is both handsome

and an excellent horseman.

He really is a good man,

worthy to be your Laddie.

People of Tressock,

all hail the Laddie!

( cheering )

You know your way

out of the village.

In three long minutes, we'll be

after you. Remember what I told you.

Now 99!

( crowd cheering )

Man:

Go, Laddie, go!

( screams )

Just lie nice and still, miss.

This will not hurt.

You'll wake nice and fresh

tomorrow.

( Beame screaming )

(whimpering )

( Beame moaning )

( screams )

Hurry, hurry, hurry

She'll be making

for the village.

Oh.

- And what is that?

- Alum.

( screams )

That American b*tch.

Can you believe the laird

could have chosen a woman

that wicked as queen?

Be still, man, will you?

You big baby, you.

She nearly severed

one of your googerlies.

We've just got to stop the bleeding

and you'll be fine.

( moans )

She'll be making

for a telephone.

She'll need money.

She's got no money, Daisy.

( exhales )

(whimpering )

Oh, Mr. Beame,

you'll not forget

she's the queen?

You'll respect that, man?

Promise.

Oh, aye.

She'll be in mint condition

for her coronation.

I promise you that.

The b*tch!

Oh.

You'll forget you heard that.

( snickers )

( knocks )

Hey!

Open the door.

Come on.

Lolly:
Steve!

( Gasps )

You're the guy with the raven.

Isn't that right?

O wicker tree, O wicker tree,

tell me, what do you see?

I'm sorry, sir,

I just need to use your phone.

I need the cops-- police.

You do have police?

O wickerish tree,

O wickerish tree,

t-tell me, w-what can you see?

Oh, for God's sake,

where's your phone?

My wickerish tree,

tell me, what do you see?

- J' Don't eat people J'

- J' Oh, no, not again J'

- J' I won't eat people J'

- J' All the day long J'

- J' Don't eat people J'

- J' He keeps on repeating J'

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