The Witches of Eastwick

1

You don't have to come

if you don't want to.

I want to, but I have

a million things to do first.

Mom, what's this?

- Peanut butter.

- Peanut butter and what?

Peanut butter and jelly.

What kind of jelly?

Zucchini jelly.

Five, six, seven!

How we doing?

We're doing fine, Walter.

I wish we could afford

to keep you full time.

So do I, especially now.

Hmm. ls the divorce final yet?

- Yes, today. Thank you.

- Hmm.

Let's put our heads together and

maybe we can work something out.

All right.

Uh, horns up.

One, two, three, four...

five, six, seven.

O beautiful for spacious skies

For amber waves of grain

For purple mountain majesties

Above the fruited plain!

America! America!

God shed his grace on thee

And crown thy good with brotherhood

From sea to shining sea!

Well, wonderful.

Thank you very much, Felicia.

We appreciate your taking the time

to be here with us today.

Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand

for our most prominent selectman...

or selectwoman or selectperson,

Felicia Alden.

Thank you, children and Mrs. Spofford.

I can see we have our work

cut out for us.

In these days of

disintegrating values...

and lost mores...

when our children

are exposed daily...

to the hazards of divorce, separation

and families torn asunder...

it's comforting to think back

to the days...

when a family like the Lenoxes

strove together.

Those values, embodied

in a man like Major Lenox...

They were men who labored

all their lives...

so their children would be

well-fed and clothed and educated.

The families endured great hardship...

Yet kept their honor...

their dignity and their faith in God.

We are the same people;

the same body, the soul...

the hands and the feet

of our fathers...

fighting the wars of modern vice.

What was it that tied

these people together?

What was it that made them...

not a loose gathering of individuals,

but a single bond?

That bond that held them together,

as it holds us together today.

That bond that has stood every test...

is found deep in our consciousness.

An abiding love of liberty.

For love of liberty, our forbearers...

colonies few in number and

with little to defend themselves...

fought the war for independence...

what was then the world's

most powerful empire.

For love of liberty...

those who came before us

tamed a vast wilderness...

and braved hardships...

Tamed a vast wilderness

and braved hardships...

which at times were

beyond the limit...

Braved hardships, which at times were

beyond the limit of human endurance.

Come on. Go with your morn. Go on.

Liberty must not be taken for granted.

We thank God for our blessings...

Oh, hi, come on in.

Janey, come on!

Do you believe it's raining?

Duh, no.

I mean, since this morning.

At least it shut Walter up.

The same boring, sanctimonious speech.

I thought he'd go on forever.

I was praying for something to happen.

- I was thinking the same thing.

- You were?

I was thinking we're all wet and

how nice it would be to just leave.

- Were you really?

- Yeah.

And then it rained.

He's a liar and a lech

and he deserved it.

No, I'm not talking about Walter.

Don't you think it's strange

that we were...

We were thinking the same thing

at the same time? So what?

It won't get us on David Letterman.

- I know, I...

- Let's just have a drink.

Good idea, Janey, party-baby!

You know, he made

a pass at me last week too.

- Walter? Oh, please.

- I can't even stand to think about it.

Be prepared.

He does not give up easily.

It was broad daylight and his wife

was standing ten feet away!

Poor woman.

Poor woman, my ass. Why does she

put up with it? The man is a Nazi.

Do you think they still... you know?

Yes.

Really? ALEX:
I hope his

dick is bigger than his I.Q.

- Once a week. He told me.

- He told you.

Otherwise she starts throwing things.

At least someone's getting

something once a week.

Yes, heartburn.

Mm. I keep forgetting how many calories

are in these.

Two minutes on the lips,

Forever on the love handles.

Ooh. And congratulations.

Oh, God, I forgot. Your divorce.

As of today, I'm a free woman.

- Join the club.

- Thanks.

Heh. Here I go again.

It's over, honey. You'll be okay.

It's a beginning, not an ending.

Right, Alex?

Besides, we still have each other.

Have some more martooni.

- Did you bring the cards?

- Was I supposed to?

- I have them.

- Okay, come on ladies, let's do it! Whoo!

I feel like I'm being unfaithful...

even if I just think about it.

Sukie, Monty deserted you

and left you with five kids.

- Six.

- Don't start, Alex.

Her husband left because

she had too many kids.

- That's his problem.

- You're oversimplifying.

- Yours left because you can't have any.

- You are definitely oversimplifying.

That's not the point.

What I'm saying is

that it's not your fault.

That doesn't matter.

It's just not that easy.

We're too young to lock it up

and throw away the key.

It's not natural.

What are we doing with ourselves?

Look, Ozzie's dead. I loved him.

He's dead.

So I spend Thursday nights

with you two the rest of my life'?

I like our Thursdays.

It's the only time I can relax.

Quilting, macram.

What did we do last Thursday night?

Chinese aphrodisiac cooking.

Fabulous. Stimulating.

We're not relaxing, we're hiding.

- What from?

- Walter Neff.

F*** Walter Neff.

I'm not talking about him.

All right, who should we be looking for?

Somebody nice. Somebody you could like.

Somebody with a brain.

Somebody you could talk to.

Somebody you could be yourself with.

Someone to watch over me

All right, I've had it with you two.

He would have to be from out of town.

Especially considering what's in town.

A stranger. That would be interesting.

A tall, dark prince

traveling under a curse.

In Eastwick?

Romantic.

A foreign prince on a big, black horse.

All right, no, no, no.

If we're going to have it...

let's have it all.

He should be really handsome.

Not too handsome.

Nice eyes.

Nice ass.

Huge.

I prefer small.

Aesthetically, I prefer small.

Sam was huge and there were times

when I could not face it.

I'm in the middle myself.

But who cares?

As long as it works, it's in.

- It's in.

- Okay.

It's a nice thought, but wishing

for it won't make it happen.

Men are not the answer to everything.

So why do we always end up

talking about them?

I said, some man bought

the Lenox mansion.

Did you hear me?

Yeah. Who is he?

He's from New York, no wife, no family.

He told the realtors he needed room

for his pianos.

Apparently, he has a lot of pianos.

How many pianos can one guy have?

Don't you think it's kind of

strange and funny?

What's his name?

You know, that's strange too.

What's strange about his name?

They told me his name

for the column and I forgot it.

So I called back and it's gone again.

It's not like me to forget a name.

It's the big news of the day...

considering the history of the place.

I wonder if he knows.

I don't know.

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