The Wizard of Lies Page #4

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were attractive, Eleanor.

Stuff it, Bernie.

You know you got a thing for me.

Do not lie.

You're right, I do.

- Come here.

- You know I love you.

I gotta make the rounds.

Peter, do not let him

get to you, that one.

I'm used to it, believe me.

Sh-boom, sh-boom

Ya, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da

Sh-boom, sh-boom

Ya, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da

Sh-boom

- Sh-boom, sh-boom...

- The f*** you looking at?

Annette, you have

a f***ing heart attack,

I'm not giving you

mouth-to-mouth.

Ya, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, da, da...

Just so we're clear.

Ya, da, da, da, da, da,

da, da, da, da, sh-boom.

Behind you is not

the place to be.

Your accounts

at Madoff Securities

had a total of approximately

$50 million.

- Is that correct?

- Yeah, that's correct.

Did it strike you

as absurd

that someone with just

a high school education

should have

that kind of money?

No! I was very, very lucky.

Kind of like

winning the lottery?

Kind of like

winning the lottery.

Did it occur to you

because you had

this great account

and it was

worth so much,

there must be something

fraudulent there?

No. I never thought

of the word fraudulent.

In my experience,

and I mean this, there's only

four different types of p*ssy.

Okay?

I'm dead serious.

You got your... let me show you.

I just saw one.

All right, right there.

See there?

That's your

Honda Civic p*ssy.

Gets you

where you wanna go.

No shame

in this p*ssy at all.

Reliable.

You just, you know,

you're not gonna be

proud to be seen

riding around town

in it, am I right?

- Nothing against her.

- What's going on?

It's the world according

to Frankie over here.

Right there.

You see that there?

That's your

Buick Regal p*ssy.

Okay, a step up

from the Honda.

Uh, generally

they're cleaner, okay?

Roomier, you fit

more passengers in there.

I guess there's pros and

cons to that in a p*ssy.

You know,

lovely p*ssy.

Nobody's gonna mistake it

for a Benz, though. Am I right?

Am I right, Robert?

Okay, thank you.

God bless you.

I just want you to know,

despite everything you see,

Andrew is not from money.

- Oh, no, no.

- He's not from money.

I... I'm not...

I'm not...

I know you might think

he's a rich guy, but he's not.

We're from nothing.

My father was broke.

We're not rich people.

We're humble people.

- Okay.

- You understand?

Yes.

- Come here.

- Yeah. Oh.

Oh!

I'm gonna have to get out

the hose and spray him.

Next up,

my personal favorite.

I just saw one.

There. Now,

don't make it obvious.

Right there. That is your

Lincoln Continental p*ssy.

Beautiful.

Just... it's just right.

You know what I mean?

Like Goldilocks just right.

It's not too fancy,

it's not too plain.

It just...

it's just comfortable.

It just... it just fits.

No, no, it's like an old

pair of slippers

except instead of your foot,

you put your cock in it.

- Am I wrong?

- You have a daughter, right?

Yeah, Sophie.

She's wonderful.

I can't wait

for you to meet her.

And who's

the father again?

Um, uh, John,

my, my ex-partner

at Urban Angler.

And you two never married?

Um, no. No.

If I had had

a baby out of wedlock,

my father would have taken

me out back and shot me.

I'm not kidding,

he would've shot me.

No, no, stay with me

and hold all questions

till the end.

- Okay. - Right there,

you see that? Ugh.

There it...

read it and weep.

It's your

Mercedes-Benz p*ssy.

Right? Look at it.

I mean, it's beautiful.

It's just a feat

of vaginal engineering.

No, it handles just great.

It's sleek, it's tight,

it looks good, it feels good,

it smells good.

But a lot of upkeep.

Yeah?

Payments are murder and you

gotta wax it, you gotta polish it,

you gotta talk to it,

you gotta listen to it, eh?

And, most importantly,

you gotta remain

ever vigilant

that nobody

f***ing jacks it, right?

You don't have to

worry about that

'cause you'll never get

near anything like that.

So don't worry about it.

Is it fair to say

that as a result

of all of these lies,

you got rich?

Well, I didn't get paid

per lie, ma'am.

As a product of the fraud

that was Madoff Securities,

you got rich, correct?

Yeah,

that's correct, yeah.

You built,

as you described,

a lavish home in Bridgewater,

New Jersey, correct?

- Well, define "lavish. "

- Sure.

- Uh, how many bedrooms

did it have? - Five.

- How many bathrooms?

- Seven.

- How many acres?

- Seven.

- Did it have a swimming pool?

- Yes, it did.

- Did it have a tennis court?

- It did not.

- Did it have a pond?

- Yes, it did.

So would you consider

seven acres,

seven bathrooms,

five bedrooms,

a swimming pool,

a pond, a lavish home?

I guess I might.

Reaching out

Touching me

Touching you

Sweet Caroline

Bah, bah, bah

Good times

never seemed so good

So good, so good,

so good

I've been inclined

Bah, bah, bah

To believe

they never would

- Oh, no, no...

- Whoo!

Come here.

Sweet Caroline

Bah, bah, bah

Good times

never seemed so good

So good, so good,

so good

- I've been inclined

- Sweet Caroline

Bah, bah, bah...

Hey, by the way, you know Stephanie

and I went last weekend

to see that house

in Nantucket?

- You know...

- You should try the lobster.

- Oh, no, no, it's okay.

- Oh, trust me on the lobster.

Try the lobster.

Hey!

- Dad, you know I got...

- Can you get my son

- a lobster, please?

- ... a weak stomach.

Would you get him

a lobster? Just...

Would you like me to

get you the lobster?

What are you asking him for?

Just get him a lobster.

- He'll thank us both later, okay?

- Seriously...

So, what's the price tag

on this house?

Uh, they got it at,

like, six and a half,

- but we'll talk them down.

- That's what they're asking for?

Yeah.

I mean, it's, like, special.

It's, like... it's got a pool

looks out over the ocean.

- It's unbelievable.

- Uh-huh.

But I figure we can

get them down a bit.

Now, wait.

That's the way

you bring the lobster?

Apologies, sir.

Why don't you

bring it back,

take off the claws,

open it up.

I mean, I pay enough

for this whole thing.

Don't you guys know

how to serve a lobster?

- Apologies. I'll be right back.

- Okay, just bring it back properly.

- I mean, what is this?

- You wanna come see it with me?

- We could go down next week and...

- I'll go see it.

We can work

on the price, too.

Yeah, six and a half,

maybe we can start at five.

- That would be nice. - We could

probably take a boat from Montauk.

- We can go out of the harbor...

- Good idea.

Okay, thanks.

So... don't eat that,

eat this.

- Don't eat...

- I don't like lobster, Dad.

I don't even know why we had that.

I guess your mother...

'Cause it's not good

on my stomach.

Hey, uh,

take this away,

will you, please?

Yes, sir.

- There you go.

- Apologies, sir.

Okay.

One thing he's good

at is apologizing.

You, you

You

You

You

You

You

Ah...

I guess I'm just wondering

what if something

happens to you?

We don't know the first thing

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