Theatre of Blood

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That damned editors cut

the best part of my review.

So I noticed, dear.

You ought to have a chat with him.

- (phone rings)

- Oh.

My most provocative comment, too,

where I said the leading lady

attacked her role with both hands

and strangled it to death.

Maxwell here.

Yes, lm the chairman of the Bermondsey

Housing and Redevelopment Committee.

Really, Constable,

you dont need me for that.

Oh. Well, if you feel that

lm the only one who can handle it, yes.

Yes, lll be there within the hour. (sighs)

Apparently squatters have settled in the

ruin of that tenement were tearing down.

- I have to throw them out.

- Must it be you?

- They need someone with authority.

- But you have the Critics Circle meeting.

- I can handle this in a very few moments.

- Please dont go. Let someone else do it.

- Why? Whats worrying you?

- I had such a bad dream last night.

We were at the zoo. There was a storm

and lightning broke open the lions cages.

- Well?

- We ran from the animals, but you fell.

Before I could help,

they tore you to pieces.

Im not going anywhere

near the zoo today, my dear.

You might ring Perry Devlin and tell him

lll be a bit late for the Critics meeting.

George, I read your horoscope

this morning.

It said March is a difficult month.

Avoid unexpected engagements.

The ides of March, eh?

Well, we must not put our faith in dreams

and horoscopes, must we, my love?

Ill call you later.

(thunder rumbles)

(clap ofthunder)

- Very good of you to come, sir.

- Not at all.

Only too happy to help the police.

Theyre a stubborn lot, sir. Im afraid

youre going to have to be very firm.

Yes, well, lets get on with it, then.

All right, all of you.

This is private property.

Out.

Out!

Come on, do you hear me? Get out!

I want all of you out of here.

Come on. Get up.

Come on, then. You heard.

Get out!

Get up, there. All of you!

Youve got to get out.

You heard me.

Come on, then.

Lets have no trouble here.

Come on!

Constable! Constable!

A little help here.

Help!

Help!

(cries)

(squeals oflaughter)

O, pardon me,

thou bleeding piece of earth,

That I am meek and gentle

with these butchers.

You!

Its you.

- But youre dead.

- No.

No. Another critical miscalculation

on your part, dear boy.

I am well. It is you who are dead.

Friends,

Romans,

countrymen,

Iend me your ears.

I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.

Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest,

Come I to speak in Caesars funeral.

He was my friend, faithful and just to me.

But Brutus says he was ambitious,

And Brutus is an honourable man.

He hath brought

many captives home to Rome,

Whose ransoms did

the general coffers fill.

Did this in Caesar seem ambitious?

(unruly cheering)

Stop!

Stop! I havent finished yet.

Stage manager. Discipline

in the theatre is your responsibility.

Please to enforce it immediately.

(cheering continues)

You drunken bum!

You should treasure

this opportunity to listen to a master.

The worlds greatest living actor.

Wisdom and goodness

to the vile seem vile

Filths savour but themselves.

Here, filths.

Put money in thy purse.

(cheering)

(woman) Always late.

Why cant George ever be on time?

Do lets start. Im interviewing

that divine young actor at the Apollo.

I dont want to miss tea with him

for pompous old George Maxwell.

As were six weeks away from the awards

ceremony, I must insist we get under way,

especially as I have to leave shortly.

Come off it, Sprouty.

Your wifes picking you up in half an hour

and doesnt like to be kept waiting.

- Thats uncalled-for, Merridew.

- Would you look after Georgie?

- She gets so nervous in committee.

- Take that revolting animal away.

Lets put it to the vote, then.

Three of you want to begin.

- What do you say, Psaltery?

- I say wait. Its only courtesy.

- Dickman?

- I say get on with it.

And let your gorgeous secretary send him

the minutes of our profound deliberations.

Great idea, Dickman, but lm afraid

that glorious secretary isnt with us.

I say wait, and lets have another glass

of this splendid Chteau Latour 52.

Rosemary, you all right?

Ive come from the newspaper.

They want you to go to Bermondsey.

- Were starting the meeting.

- Youll stop it when you hear this.

Good heavens, darling.

What an entrance. What suspense.

- Tell us. Whats happened?

- George Maxwell is dead.

Hes been murdered.

They say hes been cut to ribbons.

- Good God! I cant believe it!

- Good heavens!

How? I dont understand.

I dont know. They just say

hes been hacked to pieces.

The editor wants you to write an article

as a tribute to a fellow critic.

At last, a headline.

Instead of a by-line.

- Sure you want to see this, Mr Devlin?

- Ill have to if lm to write a report.

All right, Sergeant.

I havent seen a man cut like that

in all my 20 years in the police force.

Nor me. And thats only his head!

Any idea who did this?

We know by the different weapons used

there were at least six,

but weve yet to discover

who they were.

Found something interesting, Mr Devlin?

No, only this old poster.

Oh, yes. I saw him once.

Hes a very, um... very vigorous actor.

Thats a good description.

- I take it you didnt like him.

- No, I didnt.

I could never write

anything good about him.

Funny, but you begin to resent an actor if

you always have to give him bad notices.

Edward Lionheart alive! lncredible.

Quite incredible. I can hardly believe it.

Very much alive, sir.

Very anxious to see you, sir.

Oh, the old Burbage Theatre.

I thought it had been burnt down.

There was a fire, sir.

Mr Lionhearts fixed the place up.

- Hes preparing for a comeback.

- Oh, most interesting.

Wonderful old building.

Astounding! Quite astounding.

(Lionheart) Look, Hector,

how the sun begins to set.

How ugly night comes

breathing at his heels

Even with the violent darkening of the sun

To close the day up,

Hectors life is done.

Remarkable. Absolutely remarkable.

Those were the days.

- Well, where is he?

- Hes down there, sir.

What?

But I cant see him.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh.

Oh.

(clatter)

Lionheart.

Oh, my dear sir, what a pleasure

to see you well and alive.

Yes, it was a remarkable resurrection,

as you shall hear.

What a great honour you should choose

me to tell your stories to the world.

Well, lve always admired you

as a critic, Snipe.

Your clever turn of phrase,

your use of analogy and metaphor.

One always felt that

you were striving to be complimentary.

- Most generous...

- But not always complimentary.

Critics make errors.

After all, were all human.

An opinion I find myself

incapable of sharing.

You must admit I was most enthusiastic

about your performance as Achilles.

Oh, yes. Yes, now that you mention it,

I vaguely recall you wrote some review.

I remember it very well. I wrote

Edward Lionhearts Troilus and Cressida

must be considered as

a brilliant theatrical achievement,

and his own performance

as Achilles unsurpassed.

- Well, something of that sort.

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