They Came Together

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So we have aisle seats, we have

a couple of drinks, and

we get to the airport.

Neither of us speaks a word

of Italian, by the way.

So this guy thinks he'll be able to

- find his luggage if he speaks Pig Latin.

- Ah.

Yeah, that's right.

I said "Looking for bags."

But it came out "Ook-in-lay

or-fay ags-bay."

That is too funny.

- I said "That's it. I'm never

leaving the country again." - Ugh!

Joel can't even leave the

Upper West Side of Manhattan.

That's true. For me,

the perfect vacation

is getting a cheese danish from Zabar's

and curling up with the Sunday Times.

So do you still read The Times?

Oh, boy. Kyle thinks The

Times has gone downhill.

Now, I beg to differ.

It's nothing but a

worthless yellow rag.

We've been having this fight

since the day we met.

- Well, it probably seems that way.

- Hmm.

No, we literally met when

we were both on a panel

at the Guggenheim debating the

merits of the New York Times.

And I said, "Who is

this know-it-all girl?"

And I thought, "Who

is this pompous guy?"

Anyway, our heated discussion

continued over a bottle of merlot.

Let's just say the discussing part

stopped, but the heated part continued.

Okay.

For better or worse, we've

been together ever since.

Probably worse, right?

Oh, definitely for

worse. It's awful.

So, Joel, Molly,

how'd you two meet?

- Oh, boy. That's a long story.

- Yeah.

Oh, we've got time.

Waiter! More wine.

Well, it's kind of a corny,

romantic comedy kind of story.

- That's true. That is true.

- Really? How so?

Well, Joel is kind of a typical

romantic comedy leading man.

He's handsome, but in a

non-threatening way.

- Yeah, I can see that.

- Vaguely but not overtly Jewish.

- You're right. He's just Jewish enough.

- And Molly is the kind of cute, klutzy

girl that sometimes will

drive you a little crazy,

but you can't help but

fall in love with her.

Guilty.

- Okay. So we have our main characters.

- Not quite.

There is another character that was

just as important as the two of us.

- Mmm.

- New York City.

Ah! Mmm.

So New York City is

like another character?

Yeah.

So if there was a movie

about your relationship,

it would probably start with aerial

shots of the Manhattan skyline.

Exactly.

I was living in a loft on

Broadway and 86th Street,

and I had a girlfriend at the time,

Tiffany. She worked in the fashion industry.

Very put together. Never

had a hair out of place.

But there was something

cold about her.

Hey, you.

Hey.

I love you.

Mmm, and I admire your spirit.

Thanks.

And I was just getting

over a break-up,

so the closest thing I had to a

boyfriend was my dog, Charlie.

Hey, handsome!

I wasn't all put

together like Tiffany.

In fact, as Joel said

earlier, I was a real klutz.

Klutz is the understatement

of the century.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh!

Ugh!

See, New York is such an

important part of our lives,

it's almost like another

character in our story.

Right. You said that.

I really didn't feel like I

needed a love life, you know?

In fact, New York City was

almost like a boyfriend to me.

Oh, right.

- That is so good.

- Very good.

That's very good. That's very cool.

Most importantly, I had my little

candy shop, Upper Sweet Side.

I was living my dream, of

owning a shop that was

charming and adorable, and

impossible not to like.

You guys have not lived until you've

tried my Creamy Caramel Clusters.

They're better than sex!

When you've been married

as long as we have,

taking a stinky sh*t is

better than having sex.

Only in New York, right?

Anyway, I was in no rush

to meet someone new.

I was mainly concerned about

trying to keep my business afloat.

So many mom and pop

shops being elbowed out

by faceless evil

conglomerates like CSR.

- Wait a minute.

- That's right.

I was an executive at Candy

Systems and Research.

I was the bad guy! I didn't think

of myself as a corporate raider.

I thought of myself as a

nice guy with a great job.

So he went down on me,

and I came in one second.

Morning, Melanie.

Oh, my boss is here. I'll

call you later. Bye, Dad.

I had everything

there, corner office,

the expense account,

the sexy girlfriend.

I felt like I was ready

to take the next step.

- Bob, my best friend!

- Joel, my best buddy!

Guess what? After years of dating

Tiffany, I'm finally popping the question.

Wow. So I guess you're finally dealing

with those commitment issues you have.

Yeah, I even bought her

a ring and everything.

Amazing. Because until now the only

thing you've been willing to commit to

are your commitment issues.

It's true.

- I'm happy for you, buddy.

- Thanks, man.

Hey, catch!

He's got it!

- He's got a football!

- Think quick!

- Boom! Boom!

- Right there! Down and out, buttonhook!

Go deep! Go deeper!

Holy sh*t, Bob!

Joel! Oh, God!

- Grab my hand!

- Pull me up!

- Grab my hand!

- Hey, Joel.

Joel?

What do you want, Trevor?

Congrats on snaggin' the

Dickricker account.

Yeah, right. Sure.

You ready for the big

meeting with Roland?

I'd hate for you guys to screw everything

up again, like you did last time.

So now I'm in line for the big promotion.

Not you. Pretty funny, huh?

- Joel? A little help here, buddy.

- Oh, Joel...

Is your girlfriend

Tiffany home right now?

Yeah, she should be. Why?

No reason.

What the...

Sounds like this Trevor guy's trying

to get it on with your girlfriend.

Well, in retrospect, I agree with you, but

at the time it seemed like he was just

grabbing a condom out of the rubber bowl

and headin' over to meet my girlfriend.

So, as you all know, we

begin construction today

on our next Candy Systems

and Research Superstore.

First order of business, to

suss out the competition.

Are there any other nearby

candy stores we need to

"know about"?

The only one we could find

is just this really small

quirky candy shop across the

street from our location.

- It's called Upper Sweet Side, NYC.

- Kind of a dumb name for a store, huh?

That's so stupid.

- No, I think it's kind of clever. I like it.

- What was that, Joel?

Nothing, sir.

That'll be $100,000 dollars.

I'm just kidding. It's all free.

Oh, I love my little shop, Wanda.

It's what I've always dreamed of,

ever since I was a little girl.

And it's never going anywhere.

Nothing is ever going to threaten it.

- Oh, no.

- What?

They're building a Candy Systems

and Research Superstore

directly across the street from us.

Oh, my God! They'll put

us out of business!

Discovering this information

is a huge turn of events.

You weren't kidding. Your story

really is like a corny movie.

I know. The only difference is it's

not a movie. It's our real life.

So with a Superstore going up across the

street, I went to go see my accountant.

- Hi, Molly.

- Hi, Mr. Flaps.

- Oh, Please. My friends call me Eggbert.

- Then they must not be very good friends.

No, that's just my name.

Eggbert. Or Eggman, for short.

I know. It's kind of a lame

name, but what can you do?

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