Thinner Page #2

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That's witty, Kirk,

and compassionate too.

- What did he say?

- Foot-in-mouth disease.

That kind of attitude

could cost you court cases...

especially in my court.

You leave me alone, or I'll get Billy

to run you over in that golf cart.

- Kirk.

- What?

Give me a little kiss, sweetheart.

Right here.

Billy, have you lost your mind?

That's surprisingly easy to do

once you've lost a few pounds.

Come on.

Mike, look at this, would you?

- Your psoriasis is coming back.

- Why?

"Why ask why?"

As they say on TV.

Stress probably.

Use that ointment from last time.

- Hey!

- For horses. Better for cows.

I've lost two pounds since this morning?

Is that possible?

Relax. Soon you'll be able to see

your balls without using a mirror.

[Laughter]

Listen, Cary...

I never really thanked you

for taking care of me.

Never told you what happened

right after that, did I?

Leda and I went to lunch.

When we came out,

that old gyp was waiting for me.

- The one with the...

- Yeah, him.

He walked up and touched me,

right here.

Did he say anything?

How the hell should I know?

I was worried I might catch

impetigo from him.

Or lice!

- I want you to go off this diet.

- Does it look like I'm on a diet?

When did you stop?

About a week ago.

That's another 25 pounds.

That's over 40 pounds

in two weeks?

Make up your mind.

Do you want me fat or thin?

I just...

I was thinking that sudden weight loss

is an early warning sign of...

- Of what?

- You know what.

Christ! If I gain weight,

I have a heart attack.

If I lose weight,

I have cancer.

I can't win.

I ran into Mike Houston

yesterday.

He wants you

to take a few tests.

All right.

If you don't want to do it for yourself,

and you don't want to do it for me...

will you do it for Linda?

Everything's fine.

- "Fine"?

- Yeah.

Your blood work is five by five.

That's better than mine, in fact.

Let's see, cholesterol

and triglycerides are both down.

You haven't been this healthy since you

banged Mary Lou Singer in high school.

Sangster,

and I never got into her pants.

Mike, are you sure about this?

I weigh 240 pounds. I've lost

the equivalent of a f***ing suitcase.

Look, Billy...

the important thing here

is for you to relax.

Just stop thinking about this.

Your weight will stabilize,

and you'll gain some back.

Believe me,

everything is gonna be all right.

Mr. Halleck!

I see you finally found

a diet that works.

You look wonderful.

Right, and I...

want a whole new wardrobe to go with

my new look, so you might want to...

Well, let's do it!

You're down to a pant 40.

Maybe even 38.

That can't be right.

Do you have a scale?

This diet you're on...

what is it?

I've tried all the others.

I might as well try this one.

I don't think you'd like it, Henry.

In fact,

I don't think you'd like it at all.

- [Billy Grunting]

- [Groaning]

Dad.

Can I ask you a question?

Is there such a thing

as, like, male menopause?

- I mean, hormones that, like...

- What are you trying to say?

I'm worried about you.

What's there to worry about?

I found a diet that works.

Eat all you want

and still lose the weight.

[Laughing]

- What happened?

- I don't know. I must've said something.

Don't. You'll only upset her more.

There.

Billy, will you please slow down?

Why are you eating like that?

I don't know

if it's all in my head.

- Dr. Mikey thinks it is.

- I hate when you call him that.

I do know one thing: I've lost three

pounds a day every day until today.

You're putting weight back on?

That's wonderful.

Today, I skipped lunch.

Instead of being three pounds lighter...

when I got home from the office,

I'm six pounds lighter.

You see, I have to eat like this.

It's a race,

and I'm losing.

- You sound mean, as if it's my fault.

- I'm sorry.

Was I giving myself a blow job

just then?

That is a horrible thing to say.

I don't remember you complaining

about it at the time.

Linda should go visit her Aunt Rhoda

for a few weeks.

- What?

- She can't watch you go through this.

It's tearing her apart.

Look at what just happened.

I'll drive her there tomorrow.

Billy. Finally got through

to that specialist.

And?

Good news. Based on your test results

and what I've told him...

it's definitely not a parasite.

Not a tapeworm.

- What does he recommend?

- The Glassman Clinic.

They're expecting you tomorrow.

And, Billy, even if

you don't want to go...

you have to,

for Heidi's sake.

She's upset.

Mike.

Leda was eating alone

again last night.

Is the judge sick?

Out of town.

His sister was

in a pretty bad car accident.

Cary Rossington

doesn't have a sister.

Then it was Leda's sister.

You have to relax.

See you tomorrow.

Leda.

Is Cary in?

He's in Minnesota

visiting relatives.

What's wrong with him?

Has he lost weight?

What are you talking about?

I've lost 100 pounds.

That's spelled

with a one and two zeroes.

It was the Gypsies, wasn't it?

What do you mean, "Gypsies"?

Did the old man touch you?

What does that have to do with...

[Laughing]

Come on in, Billy.

Here. You'll need this.

He is in Minnesota...

but he's not visiting relatives.

He's at the Mayo Clinic.

Leda...

there's no such thing

as Gypsy curses.

You trying to convince me

or yourself?

He came up to us as we were coming out

of La Zuppas, that place over in Milton.

Cary was hunting for his keys.

He never saw the old man coming.

I did. I tried to warn him,

but I was too late.

He touched him.

Then he whispered something

in his ear.

Cary claims he didn't hear

what it was.

I heard.

What?

What did he say?

One word.

Lizard.

His skin was plating,

turning into scales.

It's evolution in reverse.

A sideshow freak.

Lord Jesus.

He chartered a plane

to take him to the Mayo.

Did I tell you that? He can't bear

to have people look at him.

At the end, before he left,

his hands were like claws!

His eyes were just two bright little

specks inside these deep hollows.

Like pieces of tin foil!

And his nose...

I have to go

to the Glassman Clinic.

I have a metabolic disorder.

Why did you come here?

Why are you looking

for my husband?

I just wanted

to compare notes.

God. What did he say to you?

- What did the old gyp say to you?

- Nothing!

I don't believe that.

I believe it's all your fault.

You hit that old lady!

You were the one that hit her!

You! Not Cary!

I wrote on the fence, but your husband

slapped on the whitewash.

He was too happy to do it.

Have a nice stay

at the Glassman, Billy.

[Laughing]

I hear the food's good.

There's no such thing

as a Gypsy curse.

You come back in another

couple of weeks...

after you've lost

another 40 or 50 pounds!

Tell me what you believe then!

Yes, you tell me

what you believe then!

You hear me?

You tell me what you believe then!

You tell me!

- You gave me that.

- I did?

Mr. Ginelli,

it's Billy Halleck for you.

- What can I do for you?

- I got a crazy question for you.

Go ahead, Counselor.

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