Those People

---

Um...

[sighs]

I've been thinking a lot,

especially the last few months,

about this-

this book I read in college.

It's this story about a boy.

He's the reclusive son of this

disgraced noble family,

and buys a turtle.

But he thinks that the-

the turtle's shell is too plain,

so he has it covered

with jewels,

diamonds, sapphires, rubies.

And it's- and it's beautiful,

but the weight of

the turtle's shell is so heavy

that it- it kills the turtle...

crushed under the weight

of the ornamentation.

And it's not the turtle's fault.

Anyways...

?

? I am the very model of

a modern Major-General ?

? I've information vegetable,

animal, and mineral, ?

? I know the

kings of England ?

? and I quote the fights

historical ?

? From Marathon to Waterloo

in order categorical ?

? I'm very well acquainted too,

with matters mathematical, ?

? I understand equations both

the simple and quadratical, ?

? About binomial theorem

I'm teeming with a lot of news ?

? Hmm.

? With many cheerful facts

? about the square

of the hypotenuse ?

? With many cheerful facts

? about the square

of the hypotenuse ?

? With many cheerful facts

? about the square

of the hypotenuse ?

? With many cheerful facts

? about the square

of the hypotenuse ?

? I'm very good at integral

and differential calculus ?

? I know the scientific

names of beings animalculous ?

? In short, in matters

vegetable, animal, and mineral ?

? I am the very model of

a modern Major-General. ?

? I know our mythic history King

Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's ?

? I answer hard acrostics,

(stumbling over words) ?

? I've a pretty taste

for paradox-- ?

Aw.

[laughs]

[song continues]

I don't even know

why you bother, Charles.

You haven't won

in fifteen years.

That's the Blackworth boy

again, isn't it?

-Well, uh--

-I thought you

were gonna try a self-portrait

this time, Charlie.

?

Bye, mom.

Love you.

Oh, wait a minute.

Come here, birthday boy.

Mmmm.

Okay, I gotta go.

?

Do you swear

to tell the truth,

the whole truth

and nothing but the truth,

-so help you, Mary?

-No.

Good.

Ursula, the witness is yours.

Thank you, Your Honor.

The victim was so very young.

So full...

of promise.

Talented painter, loving friend.

Never really had a boyfriend,

but he did have a Jewish stomach

that gave him a lot of problems.

We lost a lot

of good men to IBS.

[chuckles]

Thanks, guys.

Poor Charlie's early twenties,

gone too soon.

Well, that's alright, Ursula.

We can't all

be twenty-three forever.

Ooooh.

[laughs]

Yeah how many twenty-third

birthdays is that now, Urs?

This many.

Alright, order, order, order-

Wyatt, what are you wearing?

-Yeah, what is this?

-I said formal attire.

I came directly from work,

so I could make

your precious banner.

-Oh.

(Ursula)

Almost, Wyatt.

Okay, great.

Let's eat.

[grunts]

Nah--

Oh, Carmen.

Has the jury come to a verdict?

I have to iron your shirt.

Oh my God, thank you.

I would love

to present the defense.

-Yeah.

-Mmm.

I think I've heard

everything I need to hear.

Sorry, London.

[clears throat]

The judge and jury

find the defendant,

Charles Kinberg...

[trumpet fanfare]

guilty!

[cheers/ad-libs]

Of murder in the first degree!

Twenty-six lashings!

Lash him!

Wait, no!

What?

After reviewing the case,

I hereby sentence

Mister Kinberg

to reside here

with me indefinitely.

What?

Are we still playing the game?

You're my best friend,

Charles, and I need you.

I mean, I'm- I'm

here all the time anyway.

[whispers]

Please.

I'll think about it.

If you come out tonight.

[sighs]

[growls]

Don't do it.

You're just gonna

be torturing yourself.

What?

(Ursala) Wait.

Oh my goodness.

Nothing's ever happened

between you two before.

Why would it now?

If you let go of me,

I will kill you.

Who's that?

-Hold your breath!

-Just wait!

[song playing]

I love this song.

[groans]

Other people.

Hey, there.

Hello, there.

Hot.

Come on, don't worry.

Let's have fun.

[piano playing/singing]

[applause]

Excuse me.

Piano man.

Tim.

Sure.

For my best friend's birthday,

I would like you to play

Modern Major General

from

Pirates of Penzance,

please, and kick it up

three half steps.

I'd really like

to show off my midrange.

I'm sorry, man,

I don't know it.

Okay.

[laughs]

I'm gonna go get a drink.

(Ursula)

I'm coming.

(London)

Me, too.

Hey.

Tim, was it? Right?

-Cool, I'll just--

-Where are you going?

You're very handsome.

[laughs]

You can't just

say that to somebody.

No?

-No, I mean--

-Thank you?

So what's your move?

My move?

To talk to a boy you like.

[hoots]

Uh...

Well, I- I pine from afar.

Yeah, I'm a piner.

You're hiding something.

What?

Trust me.

Nothing gets by me.

Give me your hands.

You just are very forward.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

Oh, I was painting.

You used to play the piano.

Yes.

How did you know that?

I can always tell.

[clears throat]

Whiskey, please. Straight up.

(Bartender)

Get out of my bar,Blackworth.

Whoa.

What is your problem?

We don't serve criminals here.

Excuse me?

Forty?

Lower.

[laughs]

[laughs]

What's going on here?

Trying to score

some downtown pianist?

Charlie Kinberg,

is this humus even kosher?

(Charlie)

Sebastian.

Kosher?

(Sebastian) Come on,

let's get outta here.

Now?

Yeah, I'm over it.

Let's go.

-Um, I guess I should--

-Stay?

And sing?

(Sebastian)

Come on, Charlemagne.

Your chariot awaits.

(Charlie)

How did he know I played piano?

Name one little gay boy

that hasn't taken piano lessons.

-Oh, come on.

-Seriously.

He looked at my fingertips

and he said that I --

(Reporter)

Hey, Mister Blackworth.

What are you doin'

out tonight, huh? Huh?

Go.

(Wyatt) Come on, man.

Leave him alone.

(Reporter)

Whose money are

you spending, Sebastian?

Hey, Sebastian--

I hope your father

rots in jail forever!

Time to go home.

Go home.

Come on.

Guys, Leave him alone!

I said leave him alone.

Stop!

Open up!

Hey!

Hey, Sebastian!

You knew about the

transfers, didn't you?

Ah--

Hey, Sebastian. Come on.

(Charlie)

You okay?

Never again.

[horn blowing]

(Rabbi)

These are our high holy days.

It is at this time of year that

we reflect on all that has been

and think of that which

we can do in the new year.

Please be seated.

[cell phone vibrating]

[whispers] Who's calling you

during Rosh Hashanah services?

Remember your love for us,

the covenant you made with

Abraham on Mount Moriah.

[whispers] Sebastian.

Oh, poor thing.

I still can't believe

his father.

You know,

I never did like Dick.

[snickers]

[laughs]

Oh, stop.

[laughs]

Oh God.

[laughs]

After our

closing benediction...

Mint?

[laughs]

...the cantor and I

will lead the congregation

to walk to the East River

where there, together,

we will symbolically

discard our sins

into the moving waters-.

[whispers]

So how is he?

I just worry about

him when he's alone.

There, in the ceremony

of Tashlich,

we have the opportunity...

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