Three Decades of James Bond 007 Page #3

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A typical leather belt.

Male, size 34, buckle notch.

- Have you finished?

- Yes.

Good. A typical leather belt.

Q, I'm familiar with that device.

Not one with a 75-foot rappelling cord

built into the buckle.

Fire, and out shoots a piton...

followed by a high-tensile wire

designed to support your weight.

I see. And what if I need

additional support?

It's tested for one, 007.

Flight 878 to St. Petersburg.

X-ray document scanner.

A pen.

This is a Class Four grenade.

Three clicks

arms the four-second fuse.

Another three disarms it.

How long did you say the fuse was?

Oh, grow up, 007!

They always said the pen

was mightier than the sword.

Thanks to me, they were right.

Look, let's ask Freddie here

to demonstrate for us.

Here we are.

Sorry about this, Fred.

One... two... three.

Don't say it.

The writing's on the wall?

Along with the rest of him.

Now, 007, do please try

and return some of...

Do please try and return some of

this equipment in pristine order.

Don't touch that!

It's my lunch.

In London,

April's a spring month.

Oh, yeah?

And what are you, the weatherman?

For crying out loud,

another stiff-assed Brit...

with your secret codes

and your passwords.

One of these days you guys

are going to learn just to drop it.

Come on, my car's over there.

- After you.

- Thank you.

Like you said, drop it.

In London,

April's a spring month...

whereas in St. Petersburg

we're freezing our butts off!

Now, is that close enough

for government work?

No. Show me the rose.

Please, no.

All right, all right, all right!

- Muffy?

- Third wife.

- Jack Wade, CIA.

- James Bond, stiff-assed Brit.

- That's a nice move.

- Nice car.

This baby hasn't let me down yet.

She's an ugly little b*tch,

but she gets you there.

Hey, Bond, you do any gardening?

Hand me that wrench, Jimmy?

- What do you know about Janus?

- Zilch. Zipsky.

No one's ever seen him.

But the man's connected up the kazoo.

KGB, military.

Screwdriver.

Rumor has it, he lives on one of

those old Soviet missile trains...

that armored stuff they ran around

the country so we couldn't target them.

Want to hand me

that hammer, Jimbo?

No, the bigger one.

The sledge.

Anyways, to tell the truth,

you don't find this guy. He finds you.

Hell, it's all Russian Mafia.

The best thing I can do is point you

in the direction of his competition.

- Who is the competition?

- An ex-KGB guy.

A tough mother. Got a limp on

his right leg. Name's Zukovsky.

- Valentin Dimitreveych Zukovsky?

- Yeah. You know him?

I gave him the limp.

Yes?

Are these all you have?

How many do you want?

Twenty-four for the American school,

eleven for the Swedish.

IBM compatible

with 500 meg. Hard drives...

CD ROM and 14.4 modems.

- Will you pay dollars?

- Of course.

If madame would require

a demonstration, I could...

Madame requires one demonstration model

and a quiet place to test it.

Natalya.

Is everything satisfactory?

Everything except the interruption.

Now let me get you straight, Jimmy.

You shot him in the leg,

you stole his car, you took his girl.

And now you want Valentin Zukovsky

to set you up with Janus?

Yes.

Well, what are you going to do?

Appeal to his heart?

No, his wallet.

Oh, that might work.

Okay, show time.

Valentin operates out of

building number 23 there.

Are you sure

you want to do this?

Last guy who dropped in uninvited

went home airfreight...

in very small boxes.

Make sure they

send me home first-class.

Natalya, it's me!

It's Boris!

It's Boris! It's Boris!

Hello.

Another morning shot to hell.

Free market economy.

I swear it will be the end of me.

Walther PPK,

Only three men I know

use such a gun.

I believe I've killed

two of them.

Lucky me.

I think not.

James Bond.

Charming, sophisticated

secret agent.

Shaken but not stirred.

I see you haven't lost your

delicate sense of humor, Valentin, huh?

Or your need for an audience.

Who's strangling the cat?

Strangling a cat?

That is Irina, my mistress.

A very talented girl.

Irina! Take a hike!

So, Mr. Bond...

what is it that brings you

to my neighborhood, hmm?

Still working for Ml6...

or have you decided

to join the 21st century?

I hear the new M is a lady.

I want you to do me a favor.

He wants me to do him a favor!

My knee aches...

every single day,

twice as bad when it is cold.

Have you any idea how long

the winter lasts in this country, hmm?

Tell him, Dimitri!

- Well, it depends...

- Silence!

For an ex-KGB agent,

you surprise me, Valentin.

Someone of your stature must've realized

the skill was not to hit your knee...

but to...

miss the rest of you.

So why did you not kill me?

Call it professional courtesy.

Then I should extend you

the same courtesy.

Kirov's funeral parlor,

Two hundred pounds of C4 explosives

hidden in a casket.

Your man drives the hearse in,

the money's exchanged...

their man drives the hearse out.

Their man will be arrested

with the explosives.

Your man will make

a miraculous escape with the money.

Your money.

And what do I owe

for this accommodation?

I want you to set me up...

with Janus.

What has he done to deserve you?

- Stole a helicopter.

- I have six.

Three. None that fly.

Who's counting?

These are not just criminals,

Valentin, they're traitors.

They used the chopper

to steal a nuclear weapon.

Killed a lot of

innocent Russians doing it.

- What do you expect from a Cossack?

- Who?

This Janus, I've never met the man,

but I know he's a Lienz Cossack.

Group that worked for the Nazis

against the Russians, Second World War.

You know your history, Mr. Bond.

At the end of the war...

the Lienz Cossacks surrendered

to the British in Austria...

believing they'd join your government

and wage war against the communists.

But, the British betrayed them...

sent them promptly back to Stalin

who promptly had them all shot...

women, children, families.

Not exactly our finest hour.

Still, ruthless people.

They got what they deserved.

I want you to set me up with Janus.

Tell him I'm asking about the chopper.

You're going to meet me tonight

at the Grand Hotel Europe.

And then, you and I are even

and he owes me one?

Precisely.

You don't need the gun,

Commander.

That depends on your definition

of 'safe sex. '

That's close enough.

Not for what I have in mind.

Oh, you think you can hurt me?

You think you can break me?

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

No, no, no.

No more foreplay.

Take me to Janus.

- This is it?

- Yes.

Well, I must say,

I've had a lovely evening. You?

Well, once again,

the pleasure was all yours.

You'll understand

if I don't call.

I won't lose sleep over it.

Sweet dreams.

Hello, James.

- Alec?

- Back from the dead.

No longer just an anonymous star

on the memorial wall at Ml6.

What's the matter, James?

No glib remark?

No pithy comeback?

Why?

Hilarious question,

particularly from you.

Did you ever ask why?

Why we toppled all those dictators,

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