Three Men in a Boat Page #2

Keep turning... right.

WOMAN:
Oh!

And so after turning right a good deal,

- he found himself...

- And here we are...

...in the middle.

...in the middle.

Oh, just as I... Just as I'd...

Harris thought at first of pretending

that that was what he'd been aiming at,

but the crowd looked dangerous.

And he decided to treat it

as an accident,

and set off once more

towards the perimeter.

All right, keep going, keep going.

Keep to the right.

Come on, there, keep to the right.

Keep going right!

Finally, right again. And here we are.

(BABY CRYING)

Albert and I will stay here. You go on.

Madam, I advise you to follow me.

We're all right. You can pick us up

on your next time through.

You silly old baggage!

Here, who do you think

you're talking to?

All right. Anyone who wants to stay here

for the rest of the day is welcome.

I'm going home now.

The optimists of the party

kept dwindling faith with Harris.

The pessimists remained in the middle,

and were swiftly vindicated.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Harris got his map out again,

but the sight of it

seemed to infuriate the mob.

They told him to...

Go and curl your hair with it!

- And to...

- Go and stuff it!

...away somewhere.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Evidently, it happens all the time.

- It really is an awfully good maze.

- Mmm.

We must try and get George into it

on the way back.

Good idea.

- Incidentally...

- Mmm?

I'm quite willing to let you

scull for a bit if you want to.

Don't want to be selfish about it.

(JEROME CHUCKLING)

- HARRIS:
Put in here a while, J.

- Here? Why?

It's Hampton Church,

I want to see Mrs Thomas' tomb.

Who's Mrs Thomas?

How should I know? She's just a lady

who has a funny tomb.

I know it's supposed to be

the proper thing to do

every time you see a church,

to rush off and enjoy the graves.

I don't hold with it

as a form of recreation.

Anyway, we haven't got time.

HARRIS:
I have looked forward

to seeing Mrs Thomas' tomb

since the moment this trip was proposed.

In fact, I wouldn't have come but for

the thought of seeing Mrs Thomas' tomb.

JEROME:
This is just

morbid extravagance. I'm sorry.

Well, what about the scold's bridle

at Walton Church?

I must see the scold's bridle.

JEROME:
We have to get the boat up to

Shepperton by teatime to meet George.

Oh, hang George!

Why couldn't he get the day off?

What use is a bank anyway?

They take all your money

and when you want to write a cheque

it's referred to drawer.

Damn nerve!

I'm going to withdraw my account.

I'm going to get out and have a drink.

- There's some lemonade in the hamper.

- I said a drink!

Not your Sunday school slops,

lemonade, raspberry syrup...

- That poison! Dandelion and burdock...

- Pull on your line.

...ginger beer. If you ask me,

they ruin body and soul

and are responsible

for half the crime in England.

- Pull on your line!

- I'm pulling.

(MONTMORENCY BARKING)

The other one.

I say, though.

This is the life, isn't it?

Rather.

- Sorry if I was a bit touchy back there.

- Touchy? When?

Wasn't I a bit touchy

about George and Mrs Thomas?

Were you? I didn't notice.

Very kind of you

to concern yourself, though.

Not at all. Good egg.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Who's this?

Do you know you gents are trespassing?

What does he say?

He wants to know

if we know we're trespassing.

I'm not sure I've given the matter

sufficient consideration.

We haven't given the matter

sufficient consideration.

But if you give us your assurance

that we are indeed trespassing,

we would without hesitation believe it.

Well, I tell you, you are trespassing.

- He says we are.

- Ah.

- Thank you.

- Thank you very much.

I'm supposed to throw you off!

What does he say?

He says it's his duty to throw us off.

Oh, well, if it's his duty,

he ought to do it.

Does he say

how he intends to go about it?

No. He's taciturn on the subject.

I shall tell the master.

Then come back and throw you both

in the river!

He only wanted a shilling.

He must make quite an income

blackmailing weak-minded noodles.

Walton is quite a large place

for a riverside town,

but only the tiniest corner

comes down to the water.

Caesar, of course

had a little place at Walton.

An entrenchment or a camp

or something of that sort.

He was a great upriver man, was Caesar.

And Queen Elizabeth was there, too.

And Cromwell.

They made a very odd trio.

People used to comment

when they went on picnics.

The first thing we saw at Shepperton

was George's blazer

on one of the lock gates.

Hello, Harris!

- Hello!

- Hey!

GEORGE:
J!

And closer inspection showed

that George was inside it.

- HARRIS:
What's that? A frying pan?

- No.

They're all the rage up the river

this season. Everyone's got one.

It's a banjo.

BOTH:
I never knew you played the banjo.

Well, not exactly, no.

But it's very easy, they tell me.

And I've got the instruction book.

- Good.

- (LAUGHING) Banjo.

(SINGING INAUDIBLE)

Suits you.

Goes awfully well with your outfit.

Do you like the blazer?

As an object to hang above a fruit bed

to frighten away the birds,

I should respect it.

As an article of dress

for any other human being

apart from a Margate Minstrel,

it makes me ill.

I've always found envy distasteful.

I noticed you and J were envious

the moment you saw it.

I can easily dispose of that idea.

Your blazer wouldn't suit me at all.

I always like a darker red in my things.

Red and black.

You see, my hair's a sort of

rather golden brown colour.

Rather pretty shade, I've been told.

And I find that dark red

really picks it up beautifully.

I always stick to yellows and browns.

My eyes have

an unusual kind of hazel glint.

Rather mysterious, it's been remarked.

I find yellows and browns pick it up.

Yes. You don't think your complexion

too ruddy for yellow?

No. Yellow doesn't suit you at all,

there can be no doubt about that.

You really ought to take some blue and

white with a little cream touched in.

You really wouldn't look half bad

in blues and creams

if you kept your hat on.

Now, George, on the other hand...

Why is George

looking like a martyred goose?

It must be some girl.

Everybody in the lock seemed

to have been suddenly struck wooden.

All the girls were smiling sweetly.

And all the fellows were frowning

and looking stern and noble.

And then at last,

the truth flashed across me.

(CHUCKLES)

I leant with careless grace

upon the hitcher,

in an attitude suggestive

of agility and strength.

And threw an air of tender wistfulness

into my expression

mingled with a touch of cynicism,

which I'm told suits me.

Oi, look at your nose!

Look at your nose!

George, I think there's something wrong

with your nose.

You three with the dog! Watch your nose!

Oh, it's our nose. It's our nose!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

It was J's fault.

That's Harris all over, too.

You know, it always reminds me of...

(BOTH) Not now, J.

There we are.

We found a very pleasant nook

under a tree,

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