Thunderpants

You've got it! Come on!

Do it, babe!

Come on, babe. Push!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooooh!

Push, push.

You can do it!

Push!

Ooh, it's a big 'un.

Oh, I can feel it coming.

(grunts)

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, dear!

- One more push. Oh!

- Come on!

One more!

Come on! Try and push!

(increasingly rapid beeps)

I can see its head.

Come on, Mrs Smash.

(screams)

It's a flyer!

- (applause)

- Well done!

It's a boy, Mr Smash.

That was the first day

ofmy life, ever.

- (baby cries)

- (sobbing) Grab this, Doc.

For about 30 seconds...

...my mum and dad were

the happiest people in the world.

- (doctor) Say cheese!

- And then it happened.

(baby farts)

(gurgles)

(farts through baby intercom)

And it never stopped happening.

Your turn, darling.

(yawns)

(steamy whoosh)

(Ioud fart)

(china smashes)

(farts)

Go to sleep.

(farts)

Dad found my problem

really hard.

But for a while,

he coped really well.

(muted fart)

(explosion)

One time...

...he really thought he'd solved it.

- (farts)

- I'd play in my playpen for hours...

...while he'd read the paper.

(farts)

(gurgles)

(farts)

Uh!

- (fart roars)

- Aaah!

That time,

Dad went to hospital for ages.

When he got home,

he had to work nearly all the time.

(mother) Don't go, please!

In the end, Dad decided

to go to work forever.

- (car engine starts)

- I can't do it any more!

- (wails)

- (sobs) Get away from the car.

(mother wails)

After that, my sister Denise

didn't talk to me much.

Even my mum

went a bit quiet.

Got your lunchbox?

So I was really looking forward

to going to school...

...and making some friends.

Give Mummy a kiss.

- (farts)

- Oh.

(teacher) Morning, children!

(children) Morning, Miss Little.

Children, this is Patrick Smash.

Patrick Smash, say hello.

(Ioud fart)

It wasn't a good start.

- (children chant) Fart boy!

- Sit down, children.

All the kids pointed

and shouted.

Except one.

That was the day I met Alan.

(chuckles and farts)

We did everything together.

I don't know what it was,

wejust clicked.

Alan was great.

He liked me for who I was.

And he didn't care

about my problem.

(Ioud fart)

Alan had no sense ofsmell.

Alan was my best friend.

Alan was my only friend.

But every day was a constant

struggle with my problem.

And every day, I tried to avoid...

...Damon.

Look who it isn't.

Patrick Smash.

What are you doing in my corner

of the playground, Smash?

You ain't nothing

but a big, fat loser.

Give us your lunchbox.

(children shout and laugh)

- Ugh. What's this crap?

- It's special food...

...to help me with my problem.

No, it's not. It's crap!

I want jam tomorrow. All right?

Hello, Patrick.

- How progresses the day?

- All right, thanks, Alan.

Oh, no! We've been invaded by

creatures from the planet Zorg!

(boys giggle)

The nearest star, Proxima Centaura,

is four light years away.

It is debatable

that this stellar body...

...holds within

its gravitational pull...

...a planetary system of any kind...

...let alone one that goes by

the appellation of Zorg.

- If we widen our...

- Shut up, Zorg boy.

Good one, Damon.

You suck, Zorg boy!

(kicks lunchbox) Idiot.

What am I, Patrick?

Um...

Alan?

I'm a blithering idiot.

My attempt to embarrass them

with my astrophysics...

...was, quite frankly,

a foolish waste of time.

Alan, why do you talk

in that funny way?

I speak with clarity

and precision.

The ability to utilise language

is just one of my many talents...

...talents which will enable me

to realise my dream.

- What dream?

- I am an inventor, Patrick.

Currently, I am engaged

in the creation of a machine...

...that will fly without depleting

the earth's precious resources.

I will build that machine.

I will win that competition.

I am Alan. I am me.

That is what makes me strong.

(# sings in Italian)

Sir John, are you...

are you all right?

Fine, dear lady.

It is, quite simply, my craft.

Sir John Osgood, children.

The second-greatest tenor

in the world!

Thank you very much, Sir John.

- I'm so grateful.

- Pleasure, headmistress.

- (chuckles)

- All stand.

Right, you lot.

Absolute silence!

Not a peep. Not a sound.

Not a whisper!

Not a breath.

Let us pray...

...that when you grow

from children...

...into sensible adults...

...you will have a talent

close to mine.

Let us give thanks for the gift...

...of my music.

Let us pray...

...for healthy ticket sales

for my upcoming world tour.

And now, silence...

...for a few moments

of inner contemplation.

Uh...

Ah!

(Iong, loud fart)

(children groan)

(steamy whoosh)

(headmistress) Smash!

You have ruined

Sir John's visit!

You are,

without a shadow of a doubt...

...the foulest little creature

to walk the earth.

Now, get out!

That was the worst day

ofmy life, ever.

Fart boy!

(Headmistress)

I'm sorry. Terribly sorry.

Would you like to retire

to the staff room...

...for a Bourbon biscuit

and a cup of tea?

There you go, sweetheart.

There's your beans.

I'd had enough.

I was fed up.

At moments like this,

I'd think about my dream.

(TV) The latest rocket

in the Zeus programme...

(Patrick) I dreamed that one day

I'd become a spaceman.

(TV)... for a series ofcomplex,

highly technical experiments...

...in zero gravity.

Oh. And there she goes.

There she does indeed go.

"Dear Space Centre. Today

I watched the space launch on TV. '

"I want to be a spaceman."

"But I have a problem."

"I cannot control my arse."

"Would that be a worry?"

"Love, Patrick Smash."

(TV) I'mjoined now

by General Ed Sheppard...

...commander-in-chiefofoperations

at the US Space Centre.

General,

that was an incredible launch.

You must be... over the moon.

- (chuckles)

- Indeed we are, Todd.

Tell us, General,

what makes an astronaut?

I'll tell you what makes

an astronaut, Todd.

You gotta be focused,

determined...

...and in complete control

ofyourself.

But most ofall,

all ofmy astronauts...

...each and every one

has worked hard...

...to overcome their problems.

And each one ofthem...

...is a uniquely gifted individual.

(Todd) The crew must be

really special people.

General, thank you for taking

the time to talk to us today.

- And good luck with the mission.

- Thank you, Todd.

And cake news:

Today, a local lady

achieved national...

Overcome my problems.

Uniquely gifted individual.

Alan.

(Alan) Fascinating!

So you would like me

to eliminate...

...that which has made you

an outsider...

...in the eyes of society?

No, Alan. It's my arse.

I want you to make something

to stop me farting.

My flying machine

is proving to be...

...a greater challenge

than anticipated.

It should work, but it doesn't.

The flight competition

is still a week away...

...so a day's respite

will clear my mind.

Yes, Patrick.

I will construct a machine

and before you know it...

...you will be in total control

of your sphincter.

Does that mean

you're going to help me?

Quite so, Patrick. Now, leave me.

(echoing) There is work to be done.

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