Thunderpants Page #2

So with Alan's help,

I felt sure we would succeed.

But things were already

happening around us...

...that would change our lives...

...in ways we could

never have guessed.

(shutter whirs and clicks)

(filing of metal)

(electric saw buzzes)

(drill whirs)

(banging)

(hissing and pinging)

(buzzing)

(dogs bark)

- (cock crows)

- (farts)

Thunderpants!

All right, Patrick,

we're ready for you!

(squeak of rubber stretching)

- (sighs) Ah!

- Good.

The thunderpants

will contain the emissions...

...in the airtight rubber lining...

...within the rigid

copper exoskeleton.

Now, evacuate

into the holding unit.

Evacuate into the holding unit.

The lunchbox.

There's a button

on the handle.

(hissing)

A-ha!

The gases have been vented

into this lunchbox...

...which will be able to hold

a full day's emissions...

...in perfect safety.

What do I do

when it's full up?

Nothing could be simpler.

(buzzer)

(squelching)

(whistle blows)

(bell tings)

Gas transfer successful.

Total containment.

What am I?

I'm a blithering idiot.

A blithering idiot?

I'm a genius!

(# Richard Strauss:

Also Sprach Zarathustra)

Alan had done it.

He had managed to make me

the same as everybody else.

It was the best day

ofmy life, ever.

(rubber creaks)

All stand.

Not a peep. Not a sound.

Not a whisper. Not a breath.

All ofmy astronauts,

each and every one...

...has worked hard...

...to overcome their problems.

And each one ofthem

is a uniquely gifted individual.

Hello, Patrick.

How progresses the day?

It's great, Alan.

I feel like new!

These thunderpants are brilliant.

A first-class engineering job.

Clearly, continued monitoring

of the situation is required.

But I have no doubt...

...these pants will withstand

the test of time.

Alan...

Slight adjustment.

Alan, now you've solved

my problem...

...can you find my unique gift?

Ah! That got it.

Your what? Gift? Oh, er,

nothing could be simpler.

You don't have one.

(Damon) Oi, you!

Why are you in my corner

of the playground, Smash?

But... I thought

that's your corner.

Nah. I decided

I didn't like that corner.

I've chosen this corner instead.

All right, fart boy,

what's for lunch?

- Don't, Damon, don't!

- I... I...

I think it would be most unwise

for you to disengage that...

Push off, Zorg boy!

This had better be jam, Smash.

(farting)

'Gas transfer successful. '

- (children jeer)

- Bet he's not farting now!

I warned you, fart boy.

I gave you every chance.

What d'you do?

You fart in my face.

Well, now you're for it!

Get him!

(shouting)

(cloth rips)

(metal clanks)

(cheers)

(Ioud fart)

(children groan)

(boy) Fart boy.

(children chant)

(chanting) Fart boy! Fart boy!

That was the worst day

ofmy life...

...ever.

(TV) In space news today...

...the electrical systems on board

the space station Icarus...

...have caused concern.

Icarus Control tell us

there is no cause for alarm.

Hello, Patrick.

Mind if I come in?

- I missed you at school.

- I'm not going back.

- I told Mum I'm ill.

- I repaired the thunderpants.

I don't care.

I know now, Alan.

You told me,

I haven't got a unique gift.

My dream's never going

to come true.

But the thunderpants work.

They're stronger than ever now.

You can try to avoid Damon.

- That's your dream right there.

- That's not my dream.

- I thought you wanted a cure.

- I did.

But that wasn't my dream.

I want to be a spaceman.

I've always wanted

to be a spaceman...

...ever since I was small.

I love rockets

and I love space.

If I was a spaceman,

I could fly into space...

...and everybody will know

it was me, Patrick Smash.

I could look down at the earth

and it would be tiny.

People like Damon

would be so small...

...you couldn't even see them.

You could hardly even see

the country they were in.

And they'd look up to space...

...and know that I was up there

and I was free.

Patrick Smash...

...spaceman.

That's what they'll say.

Oh, good heavens, Patrick!

Have you lost your mind?

Why...

...to be an astronaut,

you need training.

You need to be

at a physical peak.

You need to have passed exams

at the highest levels.

Yeah.

Of course.

Patrick? I... I didn't mean...

I... I... Oh.

(sighs)

Good Lord!

What is it? Tell me.

Look at this. The boy's got

two stomachs. Incredible.

Like a cow.

Unbelievable.

I've never seen the like.

Young Patsy

is a unique individual.

- He's a medical phenomenon.

- But why?

Why? Haven't a clue.

But for some unknown reason...

...Mother Nature has bestowed

upon little Patsy...

...a completely useless gift.

What was that bit

about the... gift, Mr Doctor?

Gift. I said you've got a gift,

young man.

Do I have to syringe out

your ears as well?

Let's get this young slacker

back to school forthwith...

- Mrs Crash.

- Smash.

The doctor himselfcalled me

a unique individual.

A medical phenomenon.

He said I had a... gift.

That was the best day

ofmy life, ever.

But what happened next

was destined to change my life...

...in ways I could never

have guessed.

(# tenor sings in Italian

with piano)

# Ecco la piu alta nota di mai

# Mai

# (voice breaks) Mai... #

(# singing continues)

# Ecco la piu

# Alta nota di mai

- # Mai

- (Ioud fart)

(tuneful squeal)

(tuneful squeal continues)

- (glass smashes)

- (fart)

You!

Boy! Yes, you.

What's your name?

No!

Don't run away!

(grunts and puffs)

Sir John!

That note! It was beautiful.

Simply remarkable.

Amazing.

Only Placido P Placeedo

has ever reached it before.

Until now, sir.

Gosh! You could be

the world's number one.

What? Oh, no, no.

That was the child who...

The child, sir? I...

The child!

You were right, Patrick.

You do have a gift. Why...

...the configuration of stomachs...

...puts me in mind

of a fission chamber...

...coupled with some kind

of propulsion module.

This is exactly what

I've been looking for!

Yes!

I might even use

the thunderpants.

This could be revolutionary!

Patrick, my friend...

...my flying machine

will succeed after all.

What am I, Patrick?

- Er...

- (Alan's voice) I'm a genius.

- A genius?

- No! No, no, no. Well, yes.

Actually, I am a genius,

but I am also an imbecile.

The very thing

I've been trying to contain...

...is the very thing...

...that will make us

sail through the heavens!

It's the annual madness...

...of the non-assisted flight

competition.

A handsome cash purse awaits

the first man or woman...

...who can travel 100 feet...

...without the use of motors, engines,

power cells or fossil fuels.

World-famous tenor

Sir John Osgood...

...England's answer

to Placido P Placeedo...

...has joined us

to present the winning prize.

Sir John has found time

in his busy schedule...

...rehearsing for his world tour...

...where he hopes to reach

the high note...

...in Bartorelli's

Unperformable Seventh.

Just pop you there.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...please put your hands together...

...for the second-best tenor

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