Time Bandits

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Yes, folks, Moderna Designs...

present the latestin kitchen luxury.

The Moderna Wonder Major All-AutomaticConvenience Center-ette...

gives you all the time in the worldto do the things you really want to do.

An infraredfreezer/oven complex...

that can make you a mealfrom packet to plate...

in 15 and a half seconds.

The Morrisons have got one thatcan do that in eight seconds.

Block of ice to beef bourguignonin eight seconds.

Lucky things.

Dad, did you know thatthe ancient Greek warriors...

had to learn 44 differentways of unarmed combat ?

Well, at least we've gota two-speed hedge cutter.

They were trying to kill people 26different ways with their bare hands.

- Bedtime for you, Kevin. It's 9:00.

And this King Agamemnon,he once fought--

Go on, dear.Your father said.

- Oh, all right.- The man you all love, Kenny Lange.

Well, that's today's top prize.

Let's meet today's star gueston Your Money Or Your Life.

Bring them on, girls.Oh, don't they look gorgeous ?

Oh, they get lovelierevery day.

Turn that light off !

It is off.

What the hellis going on up here ?

I told you to put that light outand get to bed.

- But--- And no more noise !

It came off just like that.The whole thermostat.

That's the toaster, the spreaderand the slicer all gone.

- She's in a terrible state.- Should've bought German.

- Mom ?- It would've matched her rotissomat.

- Mom, Dad, can I--- You're going to bedin good time tonight.

- I was thinking of going to bed now.- Now ? Certainly not.

-You must wait for your food to go down.-I haven't eaten any food.

Well, you must eatyour food.

And then wait for itto go down.

Oh, no !Not the carvery again.

Oh, dear me, Beryl.Now, all I want to know...

is what famous film starbegins with "C" ?

Do you understandthe question, my darling ?

Come on, Beryl. Come on. Jumbo'sgonna end up in the souffle, Beryl.

You've got to answer it, Beryl.Come on. Come on, Beryl.

- It's gone down now.- Come on, Beryl. Come on.

- What ?- My supper. It's gone down.

I can feel it.Can I go to bed now ?

Yeah, all right.Off you go. But no noise.

- What ?- No noise !

All right. Okay.

No, Beryl. Capetown is not a film star.

Oh, dear. Oh, well.That's Your Money Or Your Life.

Well, it takes money.

With a kitchen like that ?

Our kitchen's all right, isn't it ?

Our kitchen is light-years behind.

- Where are we ?- I don't know.

- Well, look at the map.- It's not on the map.

- Is he coming after us ?- I think we gave him the slip.

It's him !Run for it !

- Which way ?- This way. Careful.

We can explain everything, sir.

It's not as bad as it looks.

We just borrowed the map.

Sort of got rather happyabout it, and, uh...

ran off in high spirits.

Yeah, we did.

Who are you ?

That's not him.

It didn't soundlike him, did it ?

It doesn't evenlook like him.

- It isn't him.- Let's get him !

Strutter, get his torch.Shine it right in the face.

His face, dummy !

It's a kid !

Og, Fidgit,check the door.

All clear.

Strutter, the light.

Just tell us how we get out of here,keep quiet and you won't get hurt.

Wh-Why don't you get outthe way you came ?

Don't try and be smartwith me, you little creep.

Yeah.

If you want to play it smart,I'll introduce you to Vermin.

He eats anything,you know.

I'm not trying to be smart.I'm just trying to help.

- You know, don't you ?- I don't know anything.

You know, and you'renot going to tell us.

- I'm getting angry,and Vermin's getting hungry.- I don't know !

- He's found it !- What ?

- The way out.- It's never done that before.

Come on, you lot, push !

Oh, no !Not like that !

Wait for me to givethe order, all right ?

Ready ? One--

Stop ! Stop !You never start on one.

Who ever heard of anybodystarting anything on one ?

- What is it then, two or three ?- Three.

- And push !

- It's him !- He's found us !

Help us ! Please !Help us !

- Come on !- Who is that ?

Return what youhave stolen from me !

Return !Return the map !

It will bring yougreat danger !

Stop ! Now !

- Where are we ?- I'm stuck !

Quick ! The barn !

Get under here.Hold him, Strutter.

Shut up !

All clear. Wally ?

Yeah.

- Strutter ?- Yeah.

- Move it. Go.- Okay.

- Fidgit ?- Yeah.

Where are we ?What happened to my bedroom ?

Who was that man ?

That was no man.That was the Supreme Being.

You mean God ?

We don't know him that well.We only work for Him.

Shut up !Now, are we all here ?

- What ?- Og, are you here ?

- Yeah, he's here.- Vermin ?

Vermin, will you stop eating !

It's too dangerous to stay here.He's probably still after us.

So we better keep moving.Hey, where are you going ?

- Hey, where are you going ?- Get him ! He'll give us away.

Help ! Help !

Farmers !

Look what you've done, boy.

Sorry.What town is that ?

Castiglione, or whatNapoleon's left of it.

- Napoleon ?- Yes. It's his city now.

Come on, boy.You come with us.

No, thanks.

Come with usif you know what's good for you.

You're going the wrong way.

Napoleon ?

- Get down !- You nearly got us caught !

You silly fool.You could've ruined everything.

- Do you know where we are ?- Shut up. Of course I do.

See ?

Are you sure we're notin somebody's bedroom ?

Look, do you want to beleader of this gang ?

- We agreed no leader.- Right. So shut up and do as I say.

Now, we've got to getinto the city.

We can't.The roads are too dangerous.

I've got an idea.We can use the river.

Come on !

What are wegoing to do here ?

- A robbery.- Shhh.

- A robbery ?- Of course.

We're internationalcriminals. We do robberies.

Shut up back there.

Aim ! Fire !

Take aim ! Fire !

That's him.

You're not gonna rob him ?

Yeah. Every singlepenny he's got.

- But that's Napoleon.- And he's rich.

Monsieur Commander...

I think that the mayor ofCastiglione and his council...

would like very muchto surrender now, please.

Look at that !Look at the little fellow !

With the city, we have the whole areaof western Lombardy at our feet.

Oh, go away !

I never should'vemarried you !

- Oh, stop it !

Yes ! Yes !

Mon Commander,they are very keen to surrender.

They have been hereeight hours.

Don't stand so closeto me, Neguy !

I've told youabout that before.

You on one sideand him on the other--

It's like being on the bottomof a bloody well !

Just becauseyou think I'm small.

No, Commander, you arenot small at all.

No, not by any means.Five-foot-one is not small.

Yeah, five-foot-oneand conqueror of ltaly.

- Not bad, huh ?- Very, very good.

- Oh ! Oh ! Oh !- What just happened ?

Where'd they-- I just--

Bravo !

More ! I want more !

- I-- Thank you. Thank you very much.- Encore !

I wonder if you would liketo see some of our other items.

We have Zuzu and Benny.

Fun on a unicycle.

No ?

How aboutthe Great Rumbozo ?

He singand lift heavy things.

No. How about, uh--

Come on.

This I think you'll like.

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