To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar

Ready or not, here comes mama.

- Don't throw your mother at me!

- (Man) Get out!

I'm gonna make my lips

even more bee-stung.

I'm taking my face to Sweden

to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

Ain't nobody here tonight

winning Miss Congeniality.

Ladies, five minutes.

(Announcer) New York City!

Pay your hometown girls some homage!

Your drag-queen pageant finalists!

Miss Sheena Riviera.

Miss Missy!

Cateria Raez!

Cappuccino Commotion!

Vida Boheme!

Noxeema Jackson!

Senorita Chi Chi!

Owwww!

Hello, hello, hello!

Good evening.

And here to present

this year's Drag Queen Of The Year...

last year's winner.

Put your hands together for

Miss Rachel Tensions!

Hello!

Oh!

Oh!

What can I say? My heart is full.

- (Man) I love you!

- Oh, thank you.

(Man) Mama!

Well, well.

Here we all are again.

Another year flies by

and it's time to crown

a new Drag Queen Of The Year.

Proof that in New York City

a thing of beauty is a joy

for exactly 12 months.

May I have the envelope, please?

Mmm-mmm. I don't know who he is

but if there's a snowstorm tonight,

he's going on my tyres.

The winner

of the Drag Queen Of The Year

will receive an all-expense-paid,

round-trip ticket

to Hollywood, California!

Where she can compete

in the Drag Queen Of America contest.

I'm so excited I could just spit.

And the winner is...

We have a tie!

- Tie? What's she mean, tie?

- Oh, my God.

- And the winners are...

- Me...

...Miss Noxeema Jackson

and Miss Vida Boheme!

Work the runway, work it!

To the future, diva women!

(Rachel) Come, come.

(Rachel) Now, go and scandalise

this country, girlfriends.

This land was made for you and her.

Us in Hollywood?

This is total glam.

I just hope nobody

mistakes us for the Gabors.

- We'll be seen at the China Bowl.

- We will induce envy and rage.

Look. That little Latin boy

in drag is crying.

Find out why

that little Latin boy in drag is crying.

Little Latin boy in drag,

why are you crying?

Cos... It's just cos the two of you

are so pretty, you know?

- That's all?

- Of course we're pretty

but why are you crying?

Maybe she just found out

Menudo broke up.

Now, little one, what is your name?

It's Chi Chi. Chi Chi Rodriguez.

- What's with the waterworks?

- I wanted to win this so much

because I never won nothing.

Every time that I do something,

I get it wrong and somebody's

always laughing at me.

But maybe I'll meet somebody nice

who will rescue me,

instead of old men

with their greasy bellies and their money

and their... (Grunting)

...and leaving when the time is up.

But, no, I'm a loser.

That's why. I'm a loser.

I hate my life, I hate myself,

I hate everything!

Listen, listen. You are a winner.

You look like...

Well, you are a winner and...

- Don't be looking at me.

- Noxeema!

Don't be giving me that

bleeding-heart Sally Struthers look.

Chi Chi, you just sit right here.

I am going upstairs

to have a talk with Miss Noxeema.

- We will be right back.

- I'm not going upstairs with you.

I ain't driving you no more, Miss Daisy.

Noxeema, we must all help others.

- How?

- Take her with us to Hollywood.

- Say what?

- Take her with us.

- How are we gonna do that?

- Erm...

Sell our plane tickets

and the three of us go by bus.

Uh-uh-uh. Not on your young,

queer life. You and your causes.

That child is Latin. You don't

want to get mixed up in that mess.

She might be a Sandinista.

Noxeema Jackson,

I must admit that I am shocked

and just a little bit saddened by you.

You, of all people.

I remember the first time

that I laid eyes

on a certain young

ebony enchantress in the rough

and how, through styling

and the occasional make-up tip,

I helped her look just a little bit

less like Moms Mabley.

- Moms Mabley?

- And who'd think that enchantress

would one day share a title with moi?

Now, on those steps,

that dear little Spanish soul,

working that tired Abbe Lane drag

for all it's worth

is all alone in this world.

And she just once

wants to be special,

to have a moment in the starlight,

to dream of being

utterly, utterly fabulous.

- Hello!

- I'm walking here! I'm walking here!

(Vida) Now, the China Bowl is the place

if you want to be outrageous.

What stunning visions! Tell us

your beauty secrets or we'll die.

Darling, I cannot be held responsible

for that.

- I wish I was as beautiful as you.

- Honey!

Good luck. Come on, honey.

Thank you.

- They really like us.

- Love...

Delighted to meet us!

(Man) Vida! Hi.

Excuse me. Oh, Vida, Vida!

Che bellissima. Come va?

Darling, enchant.

Oh, you spoke French. How bi.

Look at you, my little piata.

How are you?

The only man of money matters,

Mr John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

- Ay, tan chulo! El gusto es mo.

- No, no. El gusto es mo.

No, papito, el gusto es mo.

- See that?

- El gusto es mo.

Si te ajusto las nalgas...

You remember

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

- His name is my name, too.

- Do people shout? I hate that.

Look at you!

I'm like a compass near north.

- Congratulations on your victoire.

- Thank you.

Now, we must talk.

We have une petite crise.

- Crise? Oh, jamais.

- We have decided

to take our young protg,

Miss Chi Chi, to Hollywood with us.

- How Three Sisters. How Chekhov.

- We?

- What part do I play?

- Two round trips to LA.

- To have or to dump?

- To dump.

- One thousand.

- That is fabulous.

- Then three round trips to LA.

- Mode of transportation?

- Cheapest.

- Oh, well, mule!

Sorry, darling. Forgive me.

- You've got her number.

- Let's say bus.

I do not do the bus. You have me

mistaken for Miss Rosa Parks.

Lxnay on the Hound, then.

How about chemin de fer? Train.

- Oh, yes! Does it have a club car?

- How much?

Let's see. Three round-trip tickets,

two adults, one child...

Tell me, does it have a club car?

That is totally out of our league.

What else can we do?

On account of your need

and unprecedented glamour,

today you're the lucky winner of...

- Can we pay in trade?

- It's English, darling. Noxee.

"Crazy Elijah -

my cars are my children."

Drop my name,

anything on the lot - $50.

- Problem solved. A lifesaver.

- Are we driving to Los Angeles?

- Cherry Lifesaver.

- All-day sucker.

Are we discussing driving

from New York to Los Angeles?

Don't start with me. We will go on.

I've got to go. Bye!

(Noxeema) This America does not

respond kindly to our sort of person.

No one say anything frivolous

for a few moments,

I am having a significant experience.

Whoopee(!)

Miss Julie Newmar has been watching

silently over this conversation.

And look at her, vintage Miss Julie.

She is the perfect,

the ultimate... Oh!

(Vida) Describe her

and do not use the word "statuesque".

Miss Julie, you are statuesque

and you were the only Cat Woman.

- Read it, please.

- "To Wong Foo,

"thanks for everything,

Julie Newmar."

- Who was Wong Foo?

- I don't know but they were close.

I'm hungry.

We must take this message across

the land as our sovereign token.

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