To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar Page #2

(Chi Chi) Let's just relax.

(Noxeema) I was back in the club car,

now we're driving across America.

Ay, nenita! Look! Look at this!

Look what I found.

(Noxeema) Golly, golly, golly!

- The seats are like butter.

- Now this is a car.

A car? Mary Alice Louise, no.

This is a land yacht.

I used to know a lawyer guy

who had a car just like this

and I said then and there

I'd have one for myself.

- Can we have this?

- (Noxeema) But we daren't.

I feel like Miss Jayne Mansfield

in this.

Ooh! Not a good auto reference.

Please, it's a wreck. Ladies.

Be careful with the...

It'll never get you to California!

- It's the look!

- Noxee, how can you possibly refuse?

Internal combustion,

the ultimate accessory.

Ladies, please, for your own safety,

go with the Toyota Corolla.

It comes down to

that age-old decision.

Style...

or substance?

Let me ask you something.

We just left Philadelphia, right?

- So the next city is...

- Bala Cynwyd.

- Bala Cynwyd. It's Welsh.

- That's right.

- How do you know that?

- How did you know that?

Believe it or not, it's my hometown.

- Get out!

- Oh, my goodness! I want to see!

- I wanna see where she was birthed!

- The birthplace of Miss Vida Boheme.

There's got to be

a historical marker or something.

(Vida) Welcome to Bala Cynwyd.

(Chi Chi) It's so beautiful!

Here, they made me stop being Esther

Williams in Million Dollar Mermaid,

thus marring

the Methodist annual picnic.

(Chi Chi) How come you never told us

you were rich?

- I'm not rich, my parents are.

- You gave all this up?

There will be a barbecue

at Twelve Oaks tonight.

We were so poor my parents

got married for the rice.

Why did you give this up?

- Vida gave all this up to be Vida.

- Hello.

Next time you give something like

this up, call me, I'll take it.

There. There.

Ay, mama! Look!

Fabulous. Simply fabulous.

Maps are cheating.

Don't do that! What are you doing?

Go back!

Oh, Jesus.

Vida, this is unbecoming of a lady.

How are we gonna know

where we're going?

- Instincts, my dear.

- And exquisite wit.

To become a drag queen,

you have to learn these things.

What do you mean, "be a drag queen"?

I am a drag queen.

Oh, child, no. You are, simply put,

a boy in a dress.

When a straight man puts on a dress

to get kicks,

he is a transvestite.

When a man is a woman

trapped in a man's body

and has the little operation,

he is a transsexual.

- I know that.

- When a gay man

has way too much fashion sense

for one gender, he is a drag queen.

Thank you.

And when a tired Latin boy puts on

a dress, he is simply a boy in a dress.

(Noxeema and Vida giggling)

- I'm just a boy in a dress?

- (Both) Definitely.

(Chi Chi) OK, OK, that's it.

That does it. I'm history.

Maybe there is a place for somebody

like me but I don't need that.

She running across the border.

You have huge potential

and you are squandering it!

What do you care?

Yes, you will start off

a mere boy in a dress.

But when we are done

with this crusade,

Auntie Vida and Auntie Noxee

will give you the outrageous outlook

and indomitable spirit

that it will take to make you

a full-fledged drag queen.

So now, I want you to turn

your sway-backed little self around

on those Robert Clergerie knockoffs

and get back in this car.

Maybe I'm not just a boy in a dress.

All right. You are a drag princess.

I could live with that.

I'm a princess.

P to the R to the IN

to the CESS! I'm a princess!

- Are you all right?

- You gotta like! Princess Chi Chi.

That's fine

but you still have a lot to learn

before you're a full-fledged queen.

Can I stay a princess?

They're younger.

Does everything have to be a joke?

This is not a masquerade, it's real.

There are steps to becoming a queen.

I'm sorry. How many?

Four. There are four steps

to becoming a drag queen.

Tell me, what are they?

Patience, ma chrie.

You will know when you've done them.

Miss Noxeema,

our duchess of protocol, will inform you.

(Noxeema) Just pay attention. Auntie

Vida will make you a big old queen.

God grant me the serenity

to accept being a boy in a dress,

the courage to change with the fashions

and the wisdom to know the difference.

(Noxeema)

Congratulations, Miss Rodriguez.

That was step number one

towards true queenliness.

(Chi Chi) Step one already!

(Noxeema) Let good thoughts

be your sword and shield.

(Chi Chi) I'm so tired,

I wish I were dead.

We all tired, honey.

We're gonna have to stop sometime.

I know. I've just

sort of been postponing it.

Stop torturing us.

OK.

Budget Hosts are really good,

I'm serious.

You can keep the mints

even if you don't stay all night.

It's a Budget Host.

I don't know.

It's just so Middle America.

- Why don't we sleep in the car?

- Oh, please(!)

I've got to sleep in a real bed.

People are gonna be cruel, maybe

violent. We have been there before.

Let's throw you two a pity party.

Two fraidy old ladies.

- What is she doing?

- Live life before it lives you.

- She'll get herself killed.

- When?

Gonna be second-rate your whole life.

Please get in this car.

I'm not sleeping with

the Wicked Witch Of The West.

Chi Chi, please!

- I need some sleep tonight, OK?

- (Men wolf-whistling and shouting)

- Take a picture, it'll last longer.

- We have to go get her. Let's go.

Why do you always do this to me?

- Ridiculous. A bunch of wet rags.

- She's crazy.

We're staying in this no-tell motel

so be quiet.

- I should have met you outside.

- It's OK, Mr Manager.

We came in for a little sanctuary.

- Welcome.

- Welcome?

- There's wine and cheese.

- I love to be wined and dined.

You'll meet many

of your friends inside.

(All) Friends?

Get with the programme. No one is

so rich as to throw away a friend.

Is there a drag ball going on?

Basketball?

(Chi Chi) I'll be centre,

you be cheerleader.

Come on, over here!

- I'm open.

- Move the ball around.

(Squeals) Yeah!

Miss Chi Chi, I must commend you

on your entrance

into this establishment.

Oooh! Absolutely.

Step two, big time.

Halfway towards

utter, utter fabulousness.

Step two to becoming a queen -

ignore adversity.

- Toast to Miss Chi Chi.

- We salute you.

(Whistling)

"Lost in the hot embrace

of Damien's sinewy bronze flesh,

"Laritza surrendered

her body completely..."

(Vida) Oh!

"...melting with every touch

of his insatiable lipses."

Oh, stop. My nerves.

(Chi Chi) Where the freak are we?

(Noxeema) The last person I saw

didn't have but two teeth in

his mouth, so I guess West Virginia.

(Siren)

- Oh, what in gay hell?

- What's the matter?

- This could prove problematic.

- Why?

The first name

on my driver's licence is Eugene.

Eugene?

(Vida) Yes.

(Noxeema) Eugene?

Eugene?!

- Can I see your licence?

- What seems to be the problem?

You got a tail light out.

Your licence.

Oh! A tail light out. That is

the very least of our problems.

- What have we got here?

- Hola.

Hi.

Erm... I was wondering

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