To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar Page #3

if you could help us.

We are three young

career girls from...

- Career girls?

- Yes. From New York City.

We are so lost you cannot believe.

- Where do you think we are?

- West Virginia?

West Virginia?

You're a long way

from West Virginia, girls.

Could you possibly help us find

a moderately priced hotel?

We don't go for that

around these parts,

white girls riding around

with n*ggers and spics.

- Talk to him, you speak honky.

- Sheriff Dullard...

- That's Dollard.

- I am sorry.

- It's Dollard.

- It says Dullard on your name tag.

It's a misprint!

As I was saying,

we are three young career girls...

- You're pretty.

- Why, thank you.

Step out of the vehicle.

- Don't do it.

- Vida, please be careful.

Get out of the car.

Christ, you're tall.

- Is this really necessary?

- Where's your licence?

Come with me to my car. Come on.

You stay in the vehicle.

Officer, if I could just explain.

My licence, the name...

- Don't worry about your licence.

- Don't worry?

I think maybe he's prejudiced.

I bet you were the brightest

in your class.

What are you doing?

- Give me a kiss.

- No. Please, no.

I know what you want. You know what

you career girls want?

- Careers?

- Same thing as every girl wants.

- No, please don't do this.

- Give Daddy some sugar.

Please, no! Please. No.

When a lady says no, she means...

Get your hand off my dick, buddy!

Sheriff Dullard?

Sh-Sheriff Dullard?

Noxee. Oh, no. Noxee!

- Don't go out there.

- What is going on?

(Vida) I think he's dead.

(Chi Chi) Don't leave me.

- I killed him.

- Why is he on the ground?

- Are you sure?

- Don't go over!

- How do you know he's dead?

- I'm not sure.

- He had his hand up my dress...

- Feeling you up?

He was trying to have

his way with me.

- How do you know he's dead?

- If you want to know, you check.

- Don't get an attitude.

- Let me check.

I knew this accountant

who died on me like this.

- Be careful, Chi Chi.

- I can't believe this.

Mamis, don't quote me

but I think this one is deceased.

Oh, my God. A dead white policeman?

- Should we blow?

- Yes. Two words, b-low.

- Let's go.

- Don't leave me with this dead man!

Look, Miss Necrophilia,

get yourself in this car right now!

(Noxeema) I can't believe this.

I get a nice crown, a nice sceptre,

then I end up being part of...

(Voices fade)

(Chi Chi) What are we gonna do now?

Lovely night. Look at those stars.

(Noxeema) Come on.

(Chi Chi) Use your muscles.

(Noxeema) Jealous?

Oh, no, it isn't.

Please...

Now, we're stuck here forever.

I knew it.

I could be in a comfortable,

climate-controlled environment

on a transcontinental airline,

enjoying my individual package

of peanuts and my warm towel

if it wasn't for what? What?

The little Hispanic rent-a-tart.

I didn't ask to come on this trip,

did I? No, I don't think so.

Did I ask you to be making me over

and jump all kinds of hoops?

No, I don't think so.

And do I want to go to jail

because of some cop-killer?

The next town,

I'm jumping on the first man

and I'm riding him all the way to

New York City and away from you two

because this trip sucks, it sucks.

After all we've done to include you,

you would leave us so quickly?

Like that.

All right.

Since you have learned

absolutely nothing,

I am hereby stripping you

of all your princess points.

- Ooh, that's voodoo. That's cold.

- You can't do that.

When I think Noxee and I decided

to take pity on this Latin boy in drag

- and bring her along with us...

- "Noxee and l"? Uh, uh, uh.

No, no! Noxee didn't decide anything.

Noxee got dragged into this.

What about the two of you

leaving poor Miss Vida

at the hands of this possibly dead

Sheriff Dullard

and you stayed stuck

in this car like Mary Jo Kopechne?

O dear and oft-thanked Wong Foo,

it's not that I'm asking for help

but if something, anything...

If somebody gave me back my

princess points, I would get us a ride.

How can you hitchhike

if there are no cars, stupid?

You don't know me very well.

I'm the Latina Marilyn Monroe.

I got more legs

than a bucket of chicken.

She'll get kidnapped

by some mountain man

and we will have to rescue her.

Why she always gotta have

the last word, huh?

You need a ride?

Yeah! Our car died over there

and I just need to go

pick up my friends, all right?

Hop in.

Get inside.

I got us a ride to Spidersville.

(Man) That's Snydersville.

Thank you, Wong Foo.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Thank you.

Well, ladies,

welcome to Snydersville.

Thank you.

- Virgil! Carol Ann!

- OK...

Virgil?

Carol Ann?

And you thought

the Dust Bowl was over?

- Bobby Ray, is that you?

- It sure is. Is Virgil in?

- Virgil. It's Bobby Ray. You in?

- No.

He's in.

Tell him we got a big Cadillac

broke down upside the road.

He's got a big Cadillac broke down.

- So?

- He'll be right down.

OK, well, this is it.

Here you got your bathroom,

you got towels.

If you want anything, holler.

We'll put your bags in the hall.

You've got an overhead light here.

- Go get it.

- That's not cool.

You girls all did want to be

in the same room.

Do you, by chance, have a room

that's possibly more inhabitable?

This is the presidential suite.

Must have been

one of those bad presidents.

You seem a little tired

so I'll leave you be.

Your car should be ready tomorrow.

It's only one night.

- Excuse me.

- There's no toilet.

You know what I think?

The last black person

to stay here was Sam Cooke.

"'The fates must despise me

"'for I am doomed

to spend the rest of my days

"'in this miserable cell.'

"The rest of her days?

"Suddenly, from out of the darkness

came evidence to the contrary.

"'By the sword of my father

before me,

"'I, Juan Carlos la Noche

will rescue Princess Laritza."'

I think tomorrow

I'll wear a say-something hat.

I think tomorrow

is a say-something hat day.

"'I'm here to save you,

Princess Laritza.'

"'You are my knight

in shining armour."'

Why do I feel like I'm in

the Tournament Of Roses Parade?

- Because you're as big as a float?

- Your mother.

- Thank you.

- OK.

As soon as I get to a town with a bus

I'm out of here. Howdy, y'all.

Hello.

For girls,

they're sure strong and big.

- Brunell?

- Virgil.

Oh, Virgil.

So how long will she take to fix?

- All of five minutes.

- Oh, my goodness. Thank you.

When I get the part.

See, I don't have any Cadillac parts,

especially no old ones.

- I can order it for Monday.

- It's Saturday morning now.

- What do we do till Monday?

- You got to wait.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

People are waiting for me.

Ladies. Ladies.

You're just gonna have to wait.

- Maybe Virgil can call his friend...

- Carol Ann.

Excuse me.

What are we gonna do now,

Miss Know-lt-All?

- Hello.

- What are we gonna do?

We will have to stay here till Monday

and get to know this lovely town

and its inhabit... ants.

Excuse me. What are you gawking at?

What are you gonna do about it?

Nothing.

I love roughnecks. If I was your bread,

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