To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar Page #4

would you be my butter?

(Noxeema) My God.

This is my idea of hell!

- Careful.

- Who is their art director? Ma Joad?

We will make the most of it. Watch.

Pardon me, kind sirs. Pardon me.

Thank you.

My name is Vida Boheme

of the Manhattan Bohemes

and my travelling companions and I

will be staying in your fair hamlet

for the weekend.

Are there some historical points of

interest that we should not miss?

She can't hear and she don't talk.

She's just a little...

Oh. Oh...

There's nothing interesting here

for you, you're from New York City.

But we'll try to be accommodating.

Well, er, thank you.

Pardon me.

But let's just all suck it up

and make this place tolerable, OK?

Now, ready?

Operation Decorator Storm.

- That's him.

- Jeez!

- This guy's living.

- You think?

- Sheriff Dullard?

- Dollard here.

- Your badge says Dullard.

- It's a misprint.

- Sheriff, what happened here?

- I was attacked.

- (Woman) Hello, Loretta.

- Hello.

Alcoholic. Low self-esteem.

Her daddy used to call her Baby Ugly.

She took to the bottle

as soon as she could swallow.

Over there. Her and her husband

ain't had sex for nearly seven years.

Another mess is the youngest

of the Budd family over there.

Poor thing, he's got a sad little...

st-st-st-stutter.

It'd bring a tear to your eye.

Then there's Clara.

You can say anything to her.

She don't hear, she can't talk.

- She can't hear you?

- No.

Your stockings are falling down!

There's no medical reason. Ever since

her husband lost the movie theatre

and he run off with that lady film -

what do you call it? - Distributor.

Oh! Now, over there is Jimmy Joe,

who runs the Rooster and Pony.

He is the nicest coloured man

you'd ever want to meet.

Robert Mitchum?

Yoo-hoo!

Excuse me, you forgot something!

Hello! Excuse me!

You forgot your picture!

I picked it up because

I didn't want it to get dragged...

Oh, no, girlfriend...

Did you just do a U-ie?

Oh, girl. I'm coming.

I'm a-coming! I'm gonna get you.

I'm just trying to give you back...

Ooh! Ow!

I don't find this funny any more.

Sheriff Dollard,

we've read your filed report

regarding the assault

in your jurisdiction

and we should ask a few questions

before we pursue this case.

First off,

with regards to the assailant,

are we correct in summarising, if

we can clarify matters by saying that...

you got beat up by a girl?

They were not girls.

They were boys, three of them,

and one of them was black.

- May we see Exhibit A?

- Found at the scene of the crime.

All right!

They were dressed up like girls

but they were boys.

You sons of b*tches.

Don't laugh at me!

I was attacked by perverts!

If you won't do something, I will!

- Mrs Dollard...

- Give me the shoe.

- Mrs Dollard.

- Shut up. Just shut up!

I'm gonna bring back three corpses.

And when you look up their dresses

if you don't find something

you shouldn't find,

- I don't know what.

- (Laughter)

I was a Fresh-Air Fund kid.

They used to take us troubled kids

into the country for picnics...

I didn't know

it was gonna be a party.

I would have dressed for it.

Liquorice, anyone?

I guess it's a poker party, you got

all your players, you don't need me.

Looksies, no feelsies.

Anybody read any good books lately?

(Horn honks)

Come on!

That's how you pick up a lady.

Carol Ann, darling,

we need more towels.

We've gone through the first 14

but, you know, girl stuff.

- Are you crying?

- No. Just chopping onions.

TVW - the very worst.

Quick household hint, if I may.

Put these on

and it will shield your eyes...

- No, don't.

- Oh, darling, what happened?

Nothing.

You are going to have a shiner,

put a steak on that.

These boxes

dropped on me from that closet.

Anyway,

I got to get this dinner ready.

- Oh, oh! May I?

- What's that?

Just a little spice.

- A little paprika...

- No, don't! No, don't!

- We don't use spices here.

- I am sorry.

- Virgil does not like it.

- I'm just pushy.

Virgil does like his way,

doesn't he?

You're very observant.

As a matter of fact...

I can't help but observe right now

that there are

no chopped onions anywhere.

I think that maybe you'd better

just let me finish this alone.

Surely.

And the box in the closet?

Good one, darling.

I used to tell people that when

my father called me cruel names,

it was just because

of his sense of humour.

If you need more towels,

you'll find them in the closet

down at the end of the hallway.

Hello.

I brought your picture back.

You dropped it earlier and...

Thank you. You're welcome.

Wow. Miss Thing got

some stuff in here.

Mind if I sit?

That little run you took me on

really took a lot out of me.

Not that I'm not in shape

or anything, but...

Those boys didn't hurt you,

did they, Miss Chi Chi?

Just a little bit, Bobby.

Nothing time won't heal. Thank you.

Look at your eyes. They as blue

as window cleaner, Bobby Lee.

That's Bobby Ray.

Bobby Lee's a girl.

I'm sorry. Is that your girlfriend?

No, I don't got one of those.

A girlfriend, I mean. I got a name -

Bobby Ray but you know that.

Sorry. They have a mind of their own,

you know. My goodness.

My God, that was so brave

what you did back over there.

Aw...

You were just like a regular

knight in shining pick-up truck.

- Stop it.

- What time are you due...

Bobby! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

That's so romantical.

God. I don't have the words.

Don't cry, Miss Chi Chi.

Please don't cry.

Miss Chi Chi, if you were my girl,

you'd never cry for anything,

except maybe from happiness.

You said a mouthful.

- Let's go.

- All right.

Don't think that I can't see you,

Miss Bobby Lee. Come, come.

So, you are Virgil and Carol Ann's

eldest, am I right?

Yeah. How did you know?

I'm the eldest in my family, too.

Wow.

I picked these for your mom.

They only grow in darkness and dank

but sweetness, how they blossom.

- You know a lot.

- Oh, please.

I guess it's on account

of what you really are.

Bobby Ray told me

what you really are.

- He did?

- Yeah.

You're a career girl.

Oh! Yes. Yes.

I could never be like that.

Oh, no. You can be anything you want.

You just imagine

good things happening

- and you make them happen.

- Oh.

Well, what if what I want to imagine

is a boy I want to go out with?

You might want to set your sights

a tiny bit higher.

Just to start off. Then I'll work

on the career-girl stuff.

(Noxeema) Miss Vida thinks

that I don't have a dream.

I'm not Martin Luther King.

I don't need a dream. I have a plan.

I'm gonna tell you what it is

because I knew I could trust you,

being as you're not a big talker

and everything.

My plan is that, while in Hollywood,

I will be approached by an eminent

producer - at the lvy, no doubt -

to star in the lush film version

of the life

of Miss Dorothy Dandridge.

Oh, yes. That noble blacktress

who never played domestic help

and whose career was crushed

by the white Hollywood machine.

Homegirl ended up dying penniless.

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