Tom and Viv Page #6

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with a knife in her handbag!

What knife?

The poor sod only has to say

'meet the wife' and a brigade

of these Bloomsbury wallahs

stampede mad-dog for the Causey!

Think of the scandal, Mums

if she goes too far.

Where is Viv?

I sent her off to Harrods.

Mums, this is Mr Janes,

who we were talking about earlier.

- He was a policeman and...

- Maurice, please.

Mr Janes is a medical officer with

the Association of Private Practitioners.

What does a medical officer do?

It's purely hypothetical.

No final decision's been taken.

- Well, Mrs Wood...

- Mrs Haigh-Wood.

I observe the lady of whom we speak

and report to the family.

In the event of a crisis, two doctors are

obliged to ask the lady two questions

of a simple nature.

The next morning I go to

the magistrate's court with a petition.

Yes?

And apply for a notice of committal.

I then convey her into

the care of her doctors.

You mean you bundle her into a straitjacket

and cart her off to the lunatic asylum.

It is vital

that we act together, as a family.

DOORBELL RINGS:

Good evening, sir.

She has locked herself in,

I thought I'd better call you.

Yes...

I think now's the time, Mr Eliot.

Ah...

I um... took the liberty

of calling the doctors.

Yes...

...I see.

MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY OUTSIDE

I unlocked the door the minute I heard you.

Hello, Viv.

It's all going on out there.

We need to be very calm.

Well there's no need for that.

If you want to go out, do.

- I want you to.

- Thank you, but no.

It's good for you.

You can't stay trapped in here with me.

I do know what goes on in your mind.

Who is it this time, Gert or Daisy?

Ooh you're up to something and no mistake.

Let's be calm, Vivvie.

I keep getting all these horrible

formal letters from your lawyer.

I told them I wanted to talk to you.

After all, you are my husband.

We are legally separated.

Oh that's just a form of words, isn't it?

"Whom God has joined,

let no man put asunder."

You're an expert on God, aren't you?

We are going to have to

talk about things, Vivienne.

Well, we've never done

that before, have we?

You have to understand what you have done.

We have to face this together.

The motorcar...

...the chocolate...

Oh, that!

Those rats at Faber's

wanted you all to themselves.

There was no room for me.

I was so angry being locked out.

You see, you have to remember

what a success you are.

A famous poet,

director of a leading publishers...

I would like some recognition for that.

After all, the poems come

out of our lives, Tom.

I'd like to share just

an inch of that success.

But... why chocolate?

Because you love it!

- Although not quite in that form, I grant you.

- And the car?

You really could've killed us.

- How are Maurice's teeth?

- Fine. - Is the car fixed?

- Yes.

- And you and I are still upright, so...

Look, I felt a rush of blood to the head.

I was sitting listening to a

string of trivial chatter.

You were vexed by the conversation?

You were leaving me for a year

and you didn't have the courage to tell me.

Maurice was asking us

questions about ourselves

and I heard us telling him masses of lies

over and over, you see...

...you see that...

that's why I married you, Tom.

To escape from all that.

But you...

Well Tom, you always wanted to be

the perfect Englishman.

All these years Vivvie...

...right from the start.

All the secrets we had to keep.

Trying not to catch each other's eyes,

because we might realise we were strangers.

And always the medicines, the doctors,

the experts, the things I was never told

and the way people looked at us.

'There go Tom and Viv.'

'What do they say to each other?'

'Whatever do they say?'

KNOCK AT DOOR:

I have the doctors in attendance, sir.

Stay out!

What's going on?

Two of your doctors are outside.

They want to come in and take a look at you

and make a decision.

- At this time of night?

- They have your best interests at heart

What decision?

They need to come in...

and ask you a few questions.

You won't let them take me

away from you, Tom?

After all, there've been

good moments in the past.

We've had our splendid

times, haven't we Tom?

Yes.

Are you ready?

Vivvie darling...

...if you have a knife...

...would you give it to us, please?

We know you have a knife, there.

We're being a bit "Ethel M.

Dell", aren't we?

There have been complaints.

- From whom?

- Mrs Virginia Woolf.

And you believe them?

Well Mums, um...

I'm afraid it's too late.

I caught up with Mrs Woolf

in the ladies room at Victoria station.

I'll show you exactly how I did it.

Like that!

And that!

I bought it in a toy shop.

Oh God...

Now, I believe you have

some questions for me?

Tom will tell you, I'm

brilliant at puzzles.

Ahem.

Rupert - takes his friends to the opera.

Rupert is sitting next to

Charles and on his left.

Daphne sits immediately on Charles' right.

Clarissa sits somewhere

to the left of Daphne.

Can you put them in their correct order?

Clarissa is next to Rupert, Rupert is next

to Charles, Charles is next to Daphne.

Uh, yes that's correct.

Next!

The greasy pole is 10 yards high.

The little brown monkey

wishes to climb the pole.

The monkey climbs 3 yards a day.

Each night, he slips back 2 yards.

How many days will it take

him to reach the top?

Seven.

Wrong.

The answer is eight.

A member of the family

must sign for the reception order.

The uh, Lunacy Act provides the following.

All Vivienne's bank accounts

and credit arrangements

at certain shops cease immediately.

She's not allowed to

vote, or drive a vehicle

or hold any kind of passport.

She has no right of appeal at any time

for her release.

After that, everything is

at the discretion of the trustees.

But what do we do with Vivvie now?

Well Mrs Eliot will be completely at

liberty for at least two or three days

until the magistrates

can approve the reception order.

Then... she will be committed.

Excuse me.

Oh God... men in white coats.

Mrs Vivienne Eliot, under the Lunacy Act

I'm obliged to take you away from here,

to a proper place of detention.

How dare you!

Now we're not gonna have a nasty scene

in a public place, are we?

I don't see why not.

SCREAMING:

Stop it!

Are we gonna be more

ladylike now, Vivienne?

Dear God!

Pay for the tea, would you?

And um, be sure to leave a tip.

Oh, goodbye Louise.

Please!

Ma'am!

Don't let 'em, Ma'am!

She was the first in her class

to audition for the ballet school.

And languages...

Oh, what a gift she had.

It is a very impressive place.

Acres of grass...

Viv will be very comfortable.

- And it is just for a while.

- Yes.

After you came to us, I...

I warned our family and friends.

'He's a bit of a stick

but so eager to be like us.'

And then, those Bloomsbury

types got hold of you.

You mustn't think that riff-raff

is the heart of English life.

It isn't such an achievement

to turn gossip into art.

And write nasty novels about one's friends.

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