Tootsie Page #6

heavy makeup on your skin?

I don't worry.

I have a little...

...moustache problem I'm sensitive to.

Probably just too many

male hormones or something.

Some men find that attractive.

I know, I know. I just don't like

the men that find it attractive.

So you're divorced?

I've never been married.

Perhaps I'll have

one little drink.

Tell me about Ron.

- How much time have you got?

- Go on.

Well, Ron...

Ron is, hands down, the best

director of daytime drama.

Did they tell you

not to call it a soap yet?

If anybody calls it a soap opera,

Rita fines them a quarter.

It's how she got her car.

You're not telling me

about you and Ron.

That's nighttime drama.

He's interesting there too.

Oh, you mean he's...

You mean you have a good relationship.

What's a good relationship, Dotty?

Can I call you Dotty?

- Oh, please do.

- Ron's smart and he's funny.

We got things in common.

You know a guy who wants a woman

who eats at four...

...is unconscious by nine

and works at dawn?

But how does he treat you?

Oh, that!

- You think I do this without a plan?

- What do you mean?

There are a lot of men out there.

I'm selective. I look around carefully.

When I find the one who can

give me the worst time...

...that's when I make my move.

for a Czech movie.

Try answering as if the question

took you by surprise.

What do you mean?

I'll ask a question.

You just answer it.

Why do you drink so much?

When you grow up as I did, an orphan

raised by a sister 16 years older...

...you have few illusions.

- There you go.

- It made a difference?

You got it.

Thanks, Dorothy.

Why do you drink so much?

Because it's not fattening...

...and it's not good for me.

How many things can you say that about?

You telling me to mind

my own business.

I just don't think you

should worry about it.

- It's nice of you, but...

- But I should mind my own business.

It's all so complicated, isn't it?

- What?

- All of it.

Don't you find being a woman

in the '80s complicated?

Extremely.

- You know what I wish, just once?

- What?

That a guy could be honest enough

to walk up to me and say...

..."Hey, I'm confused about this too.

I could lay a big line on you,

we could do lots of role-playing...

...but the simple truth is,

I find you very interesting...

...and I'd really like to make love

with you." Simple as that.

- Wouldn't that be a relief?

- Heaven.

Sheer heaven.

Ron was supposed to come over

last night. I had dinner all ready.

He never showed up.

Oh, my Lord!

What time is it?

It's 10:
30.

I gotta go.

Listen, forgive me for rushing off.

It was a wonderful dinner.

The dinner is burned.

I'm sorry I'm late.

But I was taking a shower...

...and the water turned off...

...and I got soap in my eyes.

I had to go to five stores to get

chocolate-chocolate chip.

Michael, I saw her.

What? You saw who?

When you were late,

I went by your place.

I waited outside and I saw that

fat woman go into your apartment.

Fat woman?

The one in the raincoat.

Oh, that woman!

That's a friend of Jeff's.

She came over to help him

with the play.

They've known each other for years.

You think she's fat?

Well, it was dark but, yes,

I thought she was fat.

When did Jeff start

collaborating on his play?

She's an excellent typist.

Look, I'm not having

an affair with that woman.

It's impossible.

I don't want to make trouble.

I shouldn't have people over.

They never show up.

I'm sorry. I feel guilty.

You feel guilty. I'm sorry.

Don't do that. Don't apologize

because I'm three hours late.

You should be furious.

You've been great to me.

You helped me with the audition

for that soap. It's that soap!

That soap!

Did you see that cow they hired?

Cow?

They must've gone a different way.

She is awful.

Well, I heard she was pretty good.

Baloney!

She's supposed to be tough, right?

She's not tough.

She's a wimp!

Maybe it's the lines.

She doesn't make them up.

Well, I think she should.

They couldn't be any worse.

I can't move out, Miss Kimberly.

I have no place to go.

I don't know what to do.

Don't tell me your husband beats you,

but you can't move out.

- Why should you move?

- What is she saying?

Three's up. Ready one.

You know what I'd do

if somebody did this to me?

I'd pick up the biggest thing

around and I'd just...

...bash their brains

right through...

...the top of their skull before

I'd let them beat me up again.

Well, I can't afford therapy,

Miss Kimberly.

Who said anything about therapy?

- Cut it, Ron.

- Cut it!

Wait a minute. Her line is

"Your husband..."

Wait a second.

May I say in my own defense...

...to tell a woman

with two children, no money...

...and a husband who beats

her up like this...

...to move into a welfare center

to get therapy is a lot of...

...horseshit!

I wouldn't do it, would you?

- I can't act with this.

- Oh, shut up.

Ron?

I'm partially to blame, Miss Kimberly.

I know I'm pretty, and I use it.

I guess I shouldn't have gone

to Dr. Brewster's office so late.

No, that's not true.

Dr. Brewster has tried to seduce

several nurses on this ward...

...claiming to be in the throes

of an uncontrollable impulse.

Do you know what?

I'm going to give every nurse

on this floor an electric cattle prod...

...and instruct them to just zap

him in his "badubies."

Cattle prod?

Ruby. Hi, do you want to

open up the yellow pages...

...under the section

of Farm Equipment...

I am Dorothy. Nobody's writing her.

It's coming out of me.

You're Michael acting Dorothy.

It's the same thing.

I'm experiencing these feelings.

Why can't you get me a special?

I feel I have something to say to women.

- You have nothing to say to women.

- I have plenty to say to women.

I've been an unemployed

actor for 20 years!

I know what it's like to wait

for the phone to ring!

Then when I finally get a job,

I have no control! I got zip!

If I could impart that experience

to other women...

There are no other women

like you. You're a man!

Yes, I realize that, of course.

But I'm also an actress.

- We shouldn't argue about this.

- I'm a potentially great actress.

I could do Medea, Ophelia, Lady Macbeth.

Just like in Shakespeare's day.

Get the writers at the agency...

I could do a great Eleanor Roosevelt.

We can do the

Eleanor Roosevelt story!

The Eleanor Roosevelt story?

What's the matter with that?

Phil Weintraub's party is Saturday.

Let's just go.

Have a good time.

Don't take yourself so seriously.

- He never invited me to a party.

- I'm inviting you.

He did a fabulous job on your eyes.

I can't blink for a week. Really.

- I don't like it here.

- Stand up straight.

- What do you want?

- A double champagne.

What is this?

Just serve yourself?

Hi. What would you like?

Give me two...

- Two what?

- Of anything.

- I'm sorry...

- A couple of champagnes.

- Can I get you something?

- Vodka on the rocks with a twist.

You don't remember me?

When I came in, I thought

you looked familiar.

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