Tower Heist

FEMALE RADIO HOST 1:

Good morning, New York.

Today we are talking about

cheese until the sun comes up.

Specifically, bouchon cheese.

I like to pair this with a

nice '77 sauvignon blanc.

It's perfect for an intimate

meal or for a large gathering.

You will never go wrong

with semi-soft cheeses.

Let us go to Scott

in Crown Heights.

He has been

wondering about Brie.

FEMALE RADIO HOST 2: NASDAQ

dropped its noisy effort

to take over the New

York Stock Exchange.

It slunk away

saying it became clear

regulators wouldn't

approve a merger

of the US's two dominant

stock exchanges.

FEMALE RADIO HOST 1: I think

we have Barbara in the Bronx.

She's got a question

about cheddar.

Go ahead, Barbara.

JOSH:
You can have my rook,

but I will take

that.

Boom.

FEMALE RADIO HOST 2: It seems investors

may be in for an equally wild ride.

(DOG BARKING)

SLIDE:
Get that bike around back.

Come on, empty the truck.

Hey, it's the man in the suit.

Hey.

What are you doing walking

on my side of the street?

Very funny.

Punk-ass b*tches walk on the

other side of the street.

Same jokes as yesterday.

Walk by me again and I'm

going to whoop your ass.

Good morning, Mr. Shaw.

You are looking lean and mean today.

This is why I love you, Lester.

You're the best

liar in New York.

Morning, Mr. Shaw.

Hiya.

Everything is set

for your dinner party.

I'm sending up some bouchon paired

with a '77 sauvignon blanc.

Very nice.

If you don't mind my saying,

are you sure you want

Secretary Lowe and Janet

Ramsey at the party together?

They were mentioned

again on Page Six.

Jesus! I totally forgot

they were screwing.

Yeah.

Nice save, Josh.

What the hell

would I do without you?

You would have to

read the Post yourself.

No, I'm serious.

I am kicking the tires

on a couple deals.

I might buy a hotel

in Saint Bart's.

I'm looking for a GM.

I'm going to try

and steal you away.

If I could bring Lester,

we might have a deal.

(LAUGHS) Okay, deal.

All right.

Have a good one.

Josh, one more thing.

What is that, sir?

Checkmate.

(HORNS HONKING)

(GREETING IN SPANISH)

You got a security

report for me?

Not much, Mr. K. A car alarm, two

homeless and a really loud dog.

ROSE:
Good morning, Josh.

Hey, Rose.

How was your weekend?

Good. I was here.

We steam-cleaned the garage,

had some killer take-out

from Punjab Palace.

You are a wild man.

That's me.

ODESSA:
Mr. K.

Hey, Odessa.

My work visa's about to expire.

You must find me a husband.

Okay. Can I have

my bagel first?

I need a man before these pricks

throw me out of the country.

All right, and what about Manuel?

He's a catch.

I tried.

He couldn't handle me.

Okay. Rose,

don't write that down.

KWAN:
Morning.

Morning, Kwan.

We have birthdays

in 3714 and 4399.

The Jameson twins like the

cupcakes from Magnolia,

Mr. Causwell likes the hot

fudge sundae at Sardi's.

And Mrs. Hightower

landed three days early

from Cairo, be here in an hour.

Does Mr. Hightower know?

Josh, a word, right now.

Yes, sir, Mr. Simon.

Where's Charlie?

I got an empty concierge desk.

I think he's checking

on Mrs. Cronan.

Now that's bullshit!

Mrs. Cronan is at physical therapy.

He has got three minutes.

...can only be convicted if the

prosecution proves all the...

Miss lovenko.

Holy sh*t! What?

We do this thing, you and I,

where you pretend not to

study for the bar exam

and I pretend not to notice.

I'm sorry, I don't know what

you're talking about, sir.

See, we're doing it.

Doing what?

Right now, we're doing the thing,

where you pretend not...

No.

I know the exam is coming up

this week, so study in my office

during your lunch break, okay?

Because I never use it.

Okay, but I'm not studying, so

it would not make much sense.

Wait. Shh! Hear that?

Someone is buzzing.

Hey, shush!

Everybody, shush!

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Who's buzzing?

I hear it.

It's faint,

it's muffled, but I hear it.

Fess up!

Who's buzzing?

Come on!

Who the hell is buzzing?

It's me, my bad.

I had it on vibrate.

Josh, this is

Enrique Dev'Reaux.

He's our new elevator operator.

I didn't hire you.

He's a quarter Cherokee,

you know we need an Indian.

So give him a shot.

It's a pleasure to

meet you, Mr. Kovaks.

I've spent the last three

years working at the BK,

and I'm ready for

the big leagues.

BK? What is that?

A building downtown?

No, it's a Burger King

in Times Square.

All right.

Walk with me, Mr. Dev'Reaux.

The average apartment at The

Tower costs $5.6 million.

It's the most expensive real

estate in North America.

We have the best views, the

most advanced security system,

keyless entry, 24-hour

video vibration detection.

But you know what these

people are really buying?

White neighbors?

Us. The staff.

They pay for our full and undivided

attention seven days a week.

So there's no

cell phones, iPhones,

blackberries, texting, tweeting

They had a rule at the BK,

no sex in the storage room.

Same as your phone rule, right?

No, not the same,

because your dick

has to come with you

to work, Mr. Dev'Reaux

but your phone

can stay at home.

So don't hide it in your pocket

or tuck it into your sock,

don't tape it under your balls

or stick it up your ass,

because, eventually,

I will find it.

They never checked

my balls at the BK.

Sir, you can call me "Enrique" or "Lil'

Disco" or "The Puerto Rican Mohican

that's my hip-hop name.

JOSH:
Morning, Judge Ramos.

How did you do?

I ran the Reservoir, 15 flat.

Nice.

Where's Charlie?

I need my cigars.

I think he took Mrs. Cronan

to physical therapy.

I'll bring them up

the second he gets here.

Thank you.

BOY:
Hey, Lester.

GIRL:
Good morning, Lester.

ALL:
Hi, Lester.

What's invisible

and smells like worms?

ALL:
Bird farts.

We've heard that one before.

Have a great day at school.

Morning,

Mr. Hightower.

Ma'am.

Sir, that package you ordered from

Cairo arrived three days early.

Hmm.

Yeah.

It's on its way from

the airport right now.

Josh, can you

have the chauffeur

pick us up at the back, please?

Already done.

Thank you.

Darling, let's go.

That guy's daughter

looks like a prostitute.

We're all about discretion

here, Mr. Dev'Reaux.

Right, right.

How do you guys split up the tips?

We don't. We never

take tips at The Tower.

No, I don't really want to

talk about it right now.

Charlie.

CHARLIE:
Sasha!

Your brother's coming, I'm at

work and I can't talk right now.

You're 20 minutes late!

Where are Judge Ramos' cigars?

Right here.

Josh, I'm freaking out.

Can I help you?

Go.

What?

We just went to the OB/GYN, the

baby is in the third trimester,

its head is six inches wide,

your sister has a tiny vagina.

Everyone tells me to stop worrying.

I said, "Stop worrying?"

In labor its head is

going to get crushed

or it's going to blow

out your sister's vagina.

(WHISPERING) Don't say the

"V" word in the lobby.

I called your Uncle Marty.

He said all the women in your

family have teeny tiny vaginae.

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