Trick 'r Treat

NARRATOR:

During the spookiest time of the year...

there are a few guidelines

all ghosts and goblins should follow.

Always stay on sidewalks.

Never go to a stranger's house,

and never go out alone.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO]

EMMA:

This is a great idea, honey. Really.

It's just magical.

It makes me wish every night

was Halloween.

HENRY:
I'm sorry, Em.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

-Wait, wait. Not yet.

EMMA:
What?

HENRY:
You're supposed to keep it lit.

-Why?

Ancient tradition?

Henry, it's Halloween, not Hanukkah.

-Baby, I'm lit and you're lit.

-But honey--

But our little friend here?

His night's over.

HENRY:

You know, you should be more careful.

There are rules.

You might upset someone.

EMMA:

Oh, please. Who?

What?

Inside. Upstairs.

Let's just take all this crap down.

It looks like a crime scene.

-I told you I'd do it in the morning.

-No, you won't.

You're gonna sleep until noon

and then play video games until 4.

And besides, my mom is coming and

she'll have an aneurysm if she sees this.

Really?

I'll do it.

Go inside. Put on the tape.

I hate Halloween.

[GASPS]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

MAN:

What took you guys so long?

[MUSIC PLAYS ON CAR STEREO]

Happy Halloween.

[SCREAMING]

[WOMAN YELLING ON TV]

WOMAN [ON TV] :

Yeah! Oh, baby!

[SCREECHING]

EMMA:

Henry!

Emma?

[YELLING]

[CHATTERING]

[INSTRUMENTS PLAYING]

WOMAN:
Werewolves, zombies

and demons of every variety.

They've all descended...

on the normally sleepy town

of Warren Valley, Ohio...

where the holiday

and all of its strange traditions...

are taken very seriously.

It's only 8:
00 and the streets are already

packed with costumed visitors...

some to show off, others to blend in...

but all to celebrate the magical night

of Halloween...

the one night a year when we can pretend

to be the scariest thing we can think of.

WOMAN 1:

I am not wearing this. It's too small.

-My tits keep popping out.

WOMAN 2:
That's the idea.

WOMAN 1:
Don't know why we drove here

when there are guys in the city.

WOMAN 2:

Fresh meat.

WOMAN 3:

It's what we do every Halloween, Laurie.

WOMAN 1:

Whatever happened to trick-or-treating?

WOMAN 3:
Puberty.

WOMAN 4:
Last year we were in Tampa.

WOMAN 3:

And went as sexy nurses.

WOMAN 2:
No, Janet, Tampa was 2 years ago.

I remember because you puked...

doing a guy in his pickup.

WOMAN 4:
I ate some bad Mexican,

and it was a Jeep.

WOMAN 2:
Last year was San Diego. We

dressed as sailors and ended up with sailors.

WOMAN 4:

Yeah, and Maria's sailor was a girl.

WOMAN 3:
So what? She had a nice ass.

It all tastes the same to me anyway.

Ladies, there are children out here.

[WOMEN LAUGH]

WOMAN 2:
Okay, all of you come out

on the count of 3. One, 2, 3.

-Nice.

-Right.

-Laurie, come on out.

WOMAN 1:
No.

-Open up.

WOMAN 1:
No.

Open the door,

or we'll huff and we'll puff....

Come on, seriously, open up.

WOMAN 1:

Fine, just don't laugh, okay?

Danielle, I look like I'm 5.

Shut up, you look great.

[JANET AND MARIA SNICKER]

-It's tradition.

LAURIE:
Great.

-What does tradition say we do now?

-We meet our dates.

[BEEPS]

233, 30-D.

I mean, $234.33.

Thanks.

You know, this might sound kind of

forward, but well, we're just in town...

for a party tonight, and I was wondering

what time you get off work.

Oh. Uh....

In about 20 minutes, actually.

Yeah? You know

where Sheep's Meadow is?

Sure, yeah, of course.

All right. So why don't you

meet me there in 45?

Okay, I guess.

Don't forget your costume.

That can't be good

for your diabetes, Charlie.

Uh....

Don't waste a good lie on this.

It's just candy.

Guess it's a good thing I got more.

Why don't you sit down,

stay for a minute?

-Oh, I can't. I have--

-Sit down, Charlie.

Your problem is simple.

You always wait for them to come to you.

If you just tried a little harder,

you wouldn't be a virgin at 22.

What? Excuse me?

It's practically stapled to your forehead.

Laurie, please,

do not listen to them, okay?

The key thing is to just be yourself.

Being myself hasn't gotten me very far.

Maybe I'm too old-fashioned, but I've

always wanted my first time to be--

-No, please, don't say it.

-Special.

Honey, listen, we've all been there,

but you can't hesitate.

Watch.

That's some big equipment

you've got there.

-Thank you.

-I'm Maria. This is Janet.

-And we have a small problem.

-Really?

We've got this great party to go to....

But we don't have any dates.

Here. Help yourself.

It's for the pumpkin, not you. Promise.

All of mine were dull.

Smashing jack-o'-lanterns?

Stealing candy?

It's okay. Believe it or not,

I was just like you when I was a kid.

Till my dad set me straight, that is.

See, my dad taught me

tonight is about respecting the dead...

because this is the one night

that the dead...

and all sorts of other things roam free

and pay us a visit.

Sorry.

All these traditions...

jack-o'-lanterns, putting on costumes,

handing out treats...

they were started to protect us,

but nowadays...

no one really cares.

Yeah.

[CHARLIE COUGHING]

I didn't do such a good job, did I?

What do you think?

Hey.

You okay?

You need a root beer?

Oh, wait.

That's right. There's another tradition.

A very important one.

Always check your candy.

Trick or--

[GROANING]

[GURGLES]

Ugh!

[KNOCKING]

CHILDREN:

Trick or treat!

CHIP:
We know you're in there.

SARA:
We can see you.

[RINGING DOORBELL]

MACY:
Hello!

STEVEN:
Just a minute!

[SCREAMING]

Wait. No, no. Shh!

[LAUGHING]

Great costume, Mr. Wilkins.

Oy. Uh....

Oh, right, candy.

Thanks.

Principal Wilkins, do you think we might

be able to have your jack-o'-lantern, please?

-You're not gonna smash it, are you?

-No, it's a scavenger hunt for UNICEF.

Anything for a good cause.

Happy Halloween.

Yeah. Happy Halloween.

Didn't you get one?

[CAT SCREECHING]

Are you sure about this?

There's gotta be 1 or 2

extra guys there.

-I could help you.

-Go. I'll meet you there.

Call me if you get into trouble.

You're turning into Mom.

Ouch.

-Just remember to be yourself.

-But play hard to get.

Goodbye, Danielle!

[HUMMING]

Happy Halloween.

Daddy!

I'm back from trick-or-treating!

[WHISPERS]

Billy. Shh.

-Please, be quiet.

-Why?

Because you'll bother the neighbors.

Now go watch Charlie Brown

and I'll be in in a minute.

-Charlie Brown's an a**hole!

-Billy Wilkins. Language.

Shh, shh, shh.

Wait, hold on.

Come on. There you....

Huh? Mm.

Yeah.

Here you go. Go get it! Sh*t.

[DOOR OPENS]

KREEG:

Spite!

Spite! Get your ass in here.

Are you finished crapping or what?

[YELLS]

Who the hell is that?

[GRUNTS]

I got an NRA membership in my pocket...

and a shotgun over the fireplace,

so get out--

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

It's me, Mr. Kreeg.

Steven. Steven Wilkins.

What in God's name are you doing

down there, Wilkins? Hiding bodies?

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

What did you say?

[GRUNTS]

Nothing.

The septic tank is acting up.

-Is that what that smell is?

-I'm afraid so.

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